SLEEP HAS NOT BEEN my friend tonight. The red lights of my clock mock me while the numbers hardly move, yet each time I open my eyes I’m closer to the time when my alarm will blare and I’ll have barely slept. I thought having Evan in the house would guarantee me a good night’s sleep. I didn’t bank on me wanting to sit outside his door or wondering if every sound I heard was him moving around.
The smell of coffee is my final undoing. I know he’s awake and as much as I want to deny my feelings, I can’t. I don’t want to be away from him. Shutting him out earlier this week has been the biggest mistake I’ve ever made when it’s come to him. I should’ve brought him into our house and made it clear that he belonged here as much as I do. But I let my anger get the better of me. I let the negative emotion control my heart and now I’m paying for it. This past week we could’ve been finding a happy balance in our lives. Instead, we’re walking on egg shells.
A picture of me, Evan and Nate from high school sits on my nightstand, reminding me of the f*cked up situation we’re in. We were so young when it was taken, we had our lives ahead of us and our futures within our grasp. The twins were so full of themselves, but with good reasoning. They worked so hard for everything, never taking a handout and now two brothers who were best friends are torn apart, and the common denominator is me. I’m hurting both of them. The thought of me being the cause of so much pain shatters my heart and even though Nate’s not here so I can talk to him about it, the least I can do is prepare him so he doesn’t have to endure the shock and devastation that I have. I pick up my cell phone and scroll through my contacts looking for the emergency number Nate put in there, before hitting the call button and bringing the phone to my ear as I wait for the beep.
“This is Ryley Clarke. It’s imperative that Nate Archer call me or come home. His…” my voice breaks, unable to complete the sentence that is going to both destroy Nate and make him so happy. “His brother is home,” I say, quickly hanging up. Honestly, they should’ve notified Nate the moment Evan got back to base. I half expected him home before now. We should probably be doing all of this as a family, but we’re not. Nate’s not here, Julianne doesn’t know and Evan and I are circumventing the issue hanging over us – my impending nuptials. He hasn’t asked and I haven’t volunteered any information. To be honest, I’m second-guessing everything. I’m not sure how I can marry one man when I’m in love with another. It was one thing when I thought my soul mate was dead, but now that he’s a living, breathing human it feels wrong to be engaged to another.
God, my life sounds like a science experiment gone wrong.
I shower and dress quickly, pulling my wet hair up into a bun. This is going to be as good as it gets for me today. Evan gets the make-up-free, messy-haired, dressed-in-yoga-pants-and-a-tank-top Ryley. At least yesterday he had a somewhat presentable version of myself and won’t think of me as a total slob. Tiptoeing past EJ’s door – I’ll wake him right before we leave – I make my way downstairs. My stocking feet mask my entrance into the kitchen, but my sudden intake of breath doesn’t. Evan is standing at the kitchen sink with one hand gripping the counter and the other arm bent. I’m assuming he’s holding his coffee cup. He’s shirtless and his shorts hang low, showing the top of his briefs. His muscles twitch, leading me to believe he knows I’m standing here, staring at him.
Evan hasn’t changed much since he’s been gone. His muscles may be a little more defined and he may be slightly thinner, but he’s still the same. He’s nothing like one would expect when reading about a long-lost lover returning and the woman not remembering the man she’s shared many nights with because I remember every single thing about him. One of these days I’m going to stop comparing my life to a romance novel or fairytale, but until that day comes I’m going to relish in a little fiction because it helps bury the ache my heart feels.
“Are you going to stand there and stare at me all morning?”
“If you allow me to, yes I am. I’ve missed you, Evan, and my memories haven’t done you justice. I can’t hide those feelings or turn them off.” I’m not sure where the sudden confidence comes from, but I like it. I know that keeping everything bottled up isn’t going to help us or me. I need to open up, regardless of how much it’s going to hurt me, him and Nate. The fact is, we’ve been thrown into a complicated situation with no answers. Our lives are being turned upside down with hearts shattering.
His back holds my gaze as he lifts his cup to his mouth. Every muscle in his back moves creating these obscene ripples, making my heart race. He laughs, knowing that I’m standing here and staring. He remembers my fascination with his body and is using it to his advantage.
I huff and walk over to the coffee pot only to find my cup already poured. Closing my eyes I try not to let this small gesture or the smell of his cologne get to me. He’s done this many times before and he wouldn’t know not to do it because he hasn’t been here. It’s still habit for him. I know he’s being the Evan that I love, but I’m committed to Nate. I can’t let my love for Evan taint what Nate and I have built. I just can’t, even though I have no doubt everything with Evan would be so much better than it was before.
“Who’ll watch Deefur while we’re gone?”
He says “we’re” and I try not to show him that his words have any effect on me. After taking a sip, I set down my mug. “Lois and Carter will. They don’t live far.” He stiffens, and I’m sure it’s at the mention of Carter who is Nate’s best friend. Everything from now on will be nothing but awkwardness.
“They’re still together?”
I nod. “Yeah, they have a daughter, Grace. She’s a year younger than EJ.”
Evan chuckles and pours the rest of his coffee down the drain, running water to watch away the residue. “I’m sure Lois already has EJ marrying her daughter.”
“You know it,” I say, following his actions. “Did you go back to base?”
He turns, resting his hip against the sink. He smiles as his eyes rove over me. His hand comes up, pushing a piece of hair behind my ear. The chills are instant and as much as I want to fight my response to him, I can’t.
“I needed to shower,” he says slowly and I’m reminded that he said he planned to play dirty. I look away, swallowing hard, only for his finger to slide under my chin to bring my face back to his. He leans forward, and I know he’s going to kiss me. I should move away, but I’m telling myself that he has a hold of my face, so I can’t.
Evan’s hand moves gently across my face, his fingers spreading wide as he holds the back of my neck in the palm of his hand. His lips are soft and move easily across mine. Everything about this kiss is familiar, yet so very new and unexpected. As much as I want to keep going, I can’t. When I pull away, his lips rest against my forehead as my hands clutch the waistband of his shorts.
“I’m not sorry,” he whispers against my skin. “As far as I’m concerned, we’re together. We didn’t break up unless you want to break up with me now.” He pulls back and looks at me with a glint in his eye.
My head shakes slowly as he kisses me again. “I love you, Ryley,” he says before leaving me standing in my kitchen, with my heart speeding after him. It would be so easy to fall back into a routine with him, and I wish that I could without consequences.
“Can we go dere?” I look out the window to see what EJ is talking about. We’ve stopped in traffic and set up not far off the road is a carnival, or maybe it’s a country fair.
“Not today, but we will when we get back.”
“Promtise?”
“Of course, I do,” I tell him as I look back at him riding in his seat. Evan insisted on driving in case EJ needed me. I think he secretly wanted to watch EJ in the rearview mirror because each time he fell asleep, Evan was slipping his hand into mine. I’m not fighting the affection. I know Evan needs it. I also know it’s wrong. I should keep my space because I’m engaged to another man whether he wants to accept it or not.
“Remember when we went to the fair?”
Yes! I want to scream at the top of my lungs. “Our second date,” I say, shyly, remembering exactly what our date entailed. That night, I saw just how romantic Evan could be.
“Do you remember the Ferris wheel?”
I try not to smile, but can’t help it. “I remember.” I stare at the Ferris wheel and feel slightly jealous of the kids up there, doing what Evan and I did. “You thought you were so smooth.”
Evan laughs, but keeps eye contact with me. “I was smooth. You had me on my toes. I had never met anyone like you. Every thought I had from the moment we met was about you.”
I hold his gaze, relishing in his admission. I’ll never be able to fully describe how he made me feel.
“I remember that day perfectly, Ry. I was holding your hand and said, ‘Do you want to go on some rides?’”
I shake my head, recalling that day all too well. “Those rides made me cringe. I looked at the large hunks of metal and thought how can those rides be safe? They take them down and put them back together so many times. ‘No, thanks.’ I said, but was screaming on the inside to get me out of there, take me to the cows, anything, except those rides. You put your arm around me and pulled me closer. I felt so safe walking through those crowds and when you stopped in front of the photo booth I had a mild panic attack.”
“Why?” he’s trying not to laugh, but I can see the glint in his eyes. He’s mischievous bringing up this day. I squint at him, letting him know that I see through him. His innocent act isn’t fooling me.
“Once you closed those ugly maroon curtains I blurted out ‘What are we doing?’ I wanted to bang my head against the wall for being so stupid. I completely sucked at the dating thing. Of course I knew what we were doing.”
“You didn’t suck, Ry.”
“No, that part came later, right?” I raise my eyebrows at him, earning a crude gesture in return.
“‘Well, for starters I’m going to sit you on my lap.’ That’s what I said to you, I believe. Your expression was full of questions until I pulled you right on top of me. I had to touch you so I slid my hand under your shirt. I remember your skin pebbling and I thought ‘damn, this girl is going to be the death of me.’ But when you leaned in, I knew you were feeling the same as I was.”
““Now, I’m going to kiss you.” That’s what you said. I was so eager I couldn’t wait, so I kissed you and I remember feeling you on my leg. Knowing that you were turned on didn’t scare me though.”
““And now we’re going to take pictures.” God, I was so cheesy. Why didn’t you go running for the hills?”
“Because I was already in love.” My admission catches him off guard. He picks up my hand, even though he knows EJ is watching and kisses my wrist.
“I knew you were the one,” he says, breaking my heart just a little bit more. “I still have the photo that was taken of me looking at you. I carry it everywhere.”
“Everywhere?” I ask.
He nods. “Even in my helmet. When it was taken, I thought, ‘Wow, how did a dumb jock like me get so lucky?’”
My smile fades as tears prickle my eyes. I won’t cry, not now. I turn and face the carnival again and let his words replay again.
““I want to take you on the Ferris wheel. The view from the top, overlooking the city, is amazing and you need to see it.” That’s what you said. My dad told me earlier that night to watch out for pick-up lines, but I didn’t care.”
““Do you trust me?” That’s what I asked you, and you said yes so damn fast. The first time we went around and you saw the city, you gasped. I couldn’t believe how excited you were, but your dad was right; that was a pick up line because I wanted to kiss you senseless, and I thought it’d be romantic at the top of the Ferris wheel.”
“You said I was beautiful.”
“You still are, Ry.”
“I couldn’t take my eyes off you once you said that.”
“Nor could I keep my lips off of you. That night, you let go and gave me the sexiest kiss I’ve ever had.”
I laugh, remembering all too clearly what it felt like when our tongues met for the first time. Forget fireworks, I was a full on grenade of teenage hormones. “I was eager after that,” I say, looking back at him.
“Shall we pull off and relive that date?” he laughs as I turn red.
“EJ…” I say shaking my head. Everything is different. We’re not kids anymore. I look over my shoulder and watch him stare at the fair. He loves the kiddie rides and can easily wear me out with a day at the fair.
“Someday, Ryley,” he says as we start driving again. Someday seems like it could be tomorrow or years from now. Either way, someday is going to be filled with heartache and pain, tears and hurtful words. I continue to stare out the window at the passing scenery and count down the miles until it’s my turn to drive.