TEN HOURS IN THE car with the love of my life and I can’t touch her, say the things I want to say or pull over on a deserted road to show her how much I love her. Ten hours in the car with my son, who doesn’t know me, placates me by answering my questions when asked and doesn’t make eye contact with me because to him, I’m just a man driving his mom’s car who he’s been told is his dad. Needless to say, the Archer men are wound up, confused and ready to be out of the metal confinement we’re in.
Being in the car, traveling with Ryley and EJ, regardless of the destination has been surreal. The talking, the laughter and the subtle touches when she’d brush my arm with hers to hand something to EJ are all moments that I’m storing in my memory bank. Each moment is one I’ll cherish because I don’t know if or when I’ll get more. We may get to my mother’s, drive home and she could tell me that I’m no longer welcome or that I can see EJ once a week. Thing is, I want to see her every day. I’m not sure she understands how deep and solid my love for her is. EJ is a product of our love. He makes us complete. I can’t have him without her. Life doesn’t work that way for me.
Recounting our day at the fair gives me hope. Knowing now that she was in love with me then tells me that winning her back may not be so hard. Thing is, Ryley’s loyal and I’m not about to do anything to compromise her integrity. I should probably stop kissing her, but I can’t. I don’t want to. I need her to know that I’m in this for the long haul or until she decides that my brother is definitely the one for her. I know he’s not though. He’s too straight-laced and soft to keep someone like Ryley happy. You wouldn’t know it by looking at her, but she craves the danger, the excitement. She likes the bad-boy fa?ade with the nice guy on the inside. That’s who I am and have never been anything different. I’m the rule breaker, the rebel, but at night you’ll find me cuddled up next to her. Or I soon will be.
I see a lot of me in EJ already. I’ve noticed the looks he gives Ryley when she tells him he can’t do something. The defiance is there just waiting to come out. When I was little, probably around his age, my mother called me the devil and always referred to Nate as her angel. It didn’t bother me until now. Looking back, even my dad favored Nate. Maybe it’s because I was more outgoing or wasn’t afraid to go after what I wanted. I don’t know. Either way, the more I think about it, the angrier I become.
Exiting off the highway, my heart begins to beat just a bit faster and my palms start to sweat, but not in the way I get when see Ryley. This is from nerves. In hindsight, I should’ve waited until after Rask saw his parents, so I’d be able to gauge their reaction and prepare myself for what my mom and sister are going to do. I could’ve called her, but after Rask’s mom ended up in the hospital with a minor heart attack, I didn’t think that’d be a good idea. Frankly, dealing with all this bullshit with Ryley has been enough to keep my mind occupied. I’m a shit son for not calling, but my life is upside down right now. Hopefully my mom will understand.
I look over at Ryley as she watches the passing scenery. Her arm is sitting down by her side and I keep telling myself it’s because she wants me to hold her hand. F*ck it. I need to hold her hand. I need her comfort and support. Grasping her hand in mine, she looks quickly at me then over her shoulder at EJ, who from the rearview mirror I can see isn’t paying attention to what his mom is doing. He should see his dad touching his mom. It’ll give him a healthy perspective when he starts dating. It just sucks that he doesn’t know me as his dad. Hopefully he will in due time, but I can’t rush him. It’d be incredibly selfish and unfair of me to make him call me ‘Dad’ or even consider me as such.
Driving through the streets of Sacramento, I’m surprised that I remember the way to my mother’s. She moved here after Livvie graduated from high school. Nate and I tried to convince her to move to San Diego so she’d be closer, but she said it’d be too hot and was tired of being so close to the water. I don’t blame her, with my dad dying and all, but with EJ being around I sort of hoped she’d be near him.
Her relationship with Ryley is one that concerns me. I’ve always had visions that my mother would be there every step of the way for my kids and my wife. Ryley may not be my wife… yet, but she’s the mother of my son. EJ is the innocent one here. I’m not saying she has to live near me, but the story Ryley tells doesn’t fit the mold I had for my mom as a grandma.
“You should pull over so we can talk before we get to your mom’s.”
I do as she suggests, not really questioning her. I’m sure she’s nervous, and for different reasons. I put the car in park, and turn slightly to face her.
“Last night I told you that your mom and I don’t get along, and as much as I would rather stay home today, I feel that you need some support. We were all very angry, very bitter. I think that after she lost your dad, she became jaded and when you… well, when we were told that you were gone she just shut down. She’s not the same person you remember.”
I process her words and for one moment try to put myself in their shoes but I can’t. If I were told that Ryley were dead, I’d drink myself into oblivion until I could join her. I don’t want to think about her ever being gone from my life, even though, technically, it feels a little like that now. Physically I can see her and touch her. I can hear her voice and smell her coconut shampoo. My mom can’t do any of that with my dad, and she couldn’t do it with me after she was told I was gone.
“I also think I should go in first and tell her so that she’s prepared. I don’t want her to be like me and say horrible things to you when she sees you because she doesn’t believe.”
“Okay,” I agree with her instantly because I think she has a point. I don’t want to relive that afternoon with Ryley. The memory of that day is a hard pill to swallow. I pray that I’ll never witness that much fear, resentment, and unknown by her again
I put the car into drive and head down into the cul-de-sac where my mom lives. The white house with blue shutters is decorated with hanging flower baskets and rose bushes. I pull into the driveway without thinking, only for my mother to step outside in her gardening clothes.
“This isn’t going to be good. She’s going to think you’re Nate,” Ryley says, hopping out of the car.
“Hi, Julianne.” Her voice is muffled and as much as I don’t want to, I crack the window open a little so I can hear clearly.
“This is a surprise.” My mother’s voice is clipped. I don’t like it. She knows how far Ryley’s traveled with EJ to get here, she should be happy. I grip the steering wheel to keep myself from jumping out of the car to yell at her. That wouldn’t do any of us any good.
“I have some news, Julianne, and I need you to sit down.”
My mom leans to the side to look into the car. “Is Nate going to get out or are you two running off to Vegas?”
“No, please sit down.”
Mom throws her hands up in the air, as if she’s brushing off Ryley. I see her move toward the car and know that I need to get out before she gets to the driver side door.
“Julianne, please,” Ryley pleads to no avail.
I make the conscious decision to get out of the car and pray she doesn’t collapse onto the ground.
“Nate, get out of the car and come see me. I may not agree with your wedding, but I’m still your …”
Her eyes meet mine and her mouth drops open. Ryley moves in behind her, maybe to catch her or keep her from running. She turns and looks at Ryley who now has tears streaming down her face. Ryley nods, confirming my mom’s silent question. With her gaze back on mine, she shakes her head and her own tears begin to fall. I stand stock still, afraid to move.
“It can’t be,” mom whispers as she covers her mouth.
Ryley sets her hand on my mom’s shoulder. “He’s real, Julianne. Everything you thought… you were right.”
I make a mental note to ask Ryley more about what she just said, but for now I take a deep breath and address my mom. “Hi, Mom.”
“Oh, God.”
She buckles, but Ryley is there to catch her before she hits the ground. I slam the car door and am by her side instantly. I scoop her up in my arms and head toward her house. Everything I’m doing now I wish I did with Ryley, but her reaction was nothing but anger, and I completely understand that now.
Ryley and EJ follow us in. He’s at his grandma’s side the moment I set her down. She cups his face and he gives her multiple kisses on her cheek before he runs off down the hall.
“Such a sweet boy,” she says without making eye contact with me or Ryley. “I told you that you and Nate were a mistake.”
Ryley shakes her head and takes a seat across from us. I grab a hold of my mom’s hand and tug a little so she’s look at me.
“Mom, I’ve missed so much and have a lot to make up for, so I’m asking that you not bring up Nate and Ryley right now.”
“She told you?”
“Of course she did,” I defend Ryley.
Mom wipes angrily at her tears. “How long have you been alive?”
I run my hand over my hair and smile. “About thirty-five years.”
She laughs and so does Ryley. “I see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”
I relax a bit into the couch and put my arm on the back of it. “About a week and before you start asking a bunch of questions let me tell you that no, I didn’t know we were all dead. I think we were part of a cover-up gone badly, and whoever was leading it is somehow not involved anymore because we were brought home. The entire time I was gone, I received care packages. I knew just about everything about Ryley and EJ, except for the obvious. I was also under the impression that Nate knew where I was. I was told many times that my brother knew about the mission, so needless to say I was a little taken aback when I came home to find out I’m dead and my fiancée is no longer mine, but my brother’s.”
Mom nods and lets the tears free fall. I pull her into my arms and tell her that I love her. “Everything’s been so hard since you left.”
“I know,” I whisper. “But I’m back and I’m not going anywhere. I have a girl to win back and a son to get to know.” My words make her stiffen and she pulls away from me.
“You intend to take Ryley from your brother?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“And you’re going to allow that to happen?” she directs her question to Ryley, who sits stone faced and unanswering.
“Mom, Ryley didn’t leave me, nor did I leave her. She was mine and when I came home, I flat out expected a f*cking homecoming, but instead I find out that my brother moved in on my family instead of protecting them like he vowed to do.”
“Nate would never do anything to hurt you, Evan.”
“Yet he did.”
“You were dead. What was he supposed to do?”
I throw my hands up in exasperation. “Geez, mom, I don’t know, not covet my f*cking girl.”
“Watch your mouth.”
I shake my head. “I think I’ve earned the right to drop the f-bomb after the shit I’ve been through.” I can’t sit any longer. I stand up and start pacing, stopping and looking at the mantle of dead servicemen. I want to take mine down and throw it against the wall, but that’s something I’ll save for my mom.
“Are you really my son?” her voice cracks as I nod.
“He is,” Ryley says. “And before you go assuming anything, you should know that Evan and I started therapy this week, and we’re trying to find a peaceful resolution.”
I shrug. “Ryley’s may be peaceful. I intend to fight.”
“They’re getting married, Evan; surely you don’t want to ruin their wedding.”
I glance from Ryley, who knows exactly that’s what I plan to do, to my mother who is going to bat for Nate and realize that everything Ryley has said is true. “Mom, when I left she was my fiancée. We didn’t break up, so as far as I’m concerned she’s still mine.”
“Oh, Evan, everything is so much more complicated than that.”
“I know about EJ and Nate. EJ also knows that I’m his dad. I’m not expecting things to change overnight, but I am expecting some changes. I didn’t die, mom. My life didn’t stop. I didn’t lose my memory, and I wasn’t held captive. I came home and thought my family was waiting for me. I was wrong, but my family is trying, and that’s all I need right now. You can be on Nate’s side all you want, but as far as I’m concerned he’s dead to me. All he had to do was protect Ryley and EJ. Instead, he thought he’d take advantage of the situation.”
“He thought you were dead,” she roars, protecting him. “We all did.” She points to the mantle behind me. “It’s not like he made a conscious decision to go after Ryley. Believe me, Evan, I begged him not to. I begged her not to. But as I’ve been reminded many times, they’re adults and they fell in love. Don’t blame your brother when he’s not here to defend himself.”
She stands and glares at Ryley before leaving the room. This homecoming isn’t going like I thought it would. Hell, none of them are. Maybe I was better off being dead.
The tug on my shorts cuts short my pity party. I look down to find EJ staring at me. “Hi, EJ,” I say, unsure of what I should call him. I’d like to call him buddy or junior, but don’t want to if that’s what Nate calls him.
“Can you come outside and play wif me?”
I glance at Ryley, who’s nodding. “You bet,” I say to EJ, who takes my hand and pulls me through the house to the backyard that holds a nice-sized jungle gym.