“EVAN, I THINK WE’RE finished for today.”
My head lifts quickly as I meet her gaze. There is a look of pity masking her smile. She can pity me. It’s understandable. If I were in her shoes I’d pity the person I am right now. I chance a look at the clock and see that I still have a few more minutes. Maybe she feels how broken I am and needs time to regroup or find someone else to fix me.
“Okay,” I say hesitantly. I’m not sure I want to go through this again with another doctor, and definitely not a military one.
The doc folds the page of her notepad over and slides it into her desk. She smiles softly. “I’m going to tell you the same thing I told Ryley this morning. My schedule has been cleared this week so I can help get things resolved, or heading toward a resolution. My plan is to see you and Ryley together in the next couple of days to discuss what methods need to be implemented for both of you. My concern is EJ. You need to be able to bond with him and she understands that.”
She stands, coming over to me. “My suggestion, and I didn’t tell this to Ryley, is for you to spend some time with her. She’s hurting, Evan. While you thought everything was fine, aside from the fact that you were gone for so long, she buried you and tried to move on with her life. She’s making neither heads nor tails of what’s happening right now, but give her time without letting her slip through the cracks.”
My body sighs as I stand, as if it knows I don’t have to sit in that chair anymore. My feet shuffle toward the door, leaving the doc leaning up against her desk. “Thank you,” I say before opening the door and leaving the room.
The sun is bright and penetrating when I step out of the office. I have to shield my eyes quickly before I walk out into traffic. Once my eyes adjust, I look across the street to the park hoping to see Ryley sitting over there. If she were, it’d be so much easier to talk to her right now, although the thought of bringing her to base makes more sense to me since she wouldn’t be able to run away from me. Somehow, however, I don’t think Ryley wants to be anywhere near the base – not that I can blame her. At this point, I don’t want to be there either, except it’s the only choice I have since I’m not really welcome in my own home.
With only one other destination in mind, I text the guys and ask them to meet me. We need to figure out what’s going on. Each of our situations is different, yet we’re all experiencing the same thing. I also need to bite the bullet and call my mother. I’m not sure why I haven’t yet. I guess I’ve been waiting to see if our unearthly return would make the news, but so far nothing has been reported. Every time I learn another factoid about this deployment, I’m more convinced that it was not legit.
Pulling in front of Magoo’s, it would be easy to go drown my sorrows in beer, but I need to keep a level head about the situation. If I ask the wrong person a question, who knows what could happen? As is, someone high up has taken away my life. It doesn’t matter that I’m standing here today or not. I’m not the same person and someone needs to pay.
It’s a happy relief to walk in and be surrounded by friends. The bar stools are full of patrons, men I’ve served with in the past. Tables are thrown together to make bigger spaces and the same chairs are still here. An American flag hangs on the wall with various pictures surrounding it. All these pictures have been given or sent to Rick, the owner, for display. I refuse to look at the wall that holds all our past SEALs. I know the four of us are up there or maybe Rick has taken them down. Either way, I’m not looking, at least not today.
I’ve spent many hours trying to figure out what happened and answering all the questions I could. It’s very unsettling to know that people thought you were dead.
It only takes me a second or two to spot Raskin and McCoy.
Justin “Rask” Raskin, being the single guy he is, only had to deal with his parents on his return. His mom fainted after she answered the phone and his dad threatened to beat whoever was on the other end. They’re arriving tomorrow. We’ve all promised to be there for him when he sees them for the first time. I think that’s another reason why I can’t call my mom. I need to see her and Livvie, and I know I can’t continue to put it off any longer. Thing is, spending time with my son and his mother is more important. Well, his mother is the icing on my unfrosted cake. If I get any time with her it’ll be worth it.
Tucker McCoy is our sniper and a damn good one. When we met back at the base after our fateful return, his story was similar to mine except his wife left and took their daughter. She didn’t leave a forwarding address and isn’t in her hometown. How he knows the latter is beyond me. I’m not going to ask. In fact, I try not to ask any questions because our wounds are so deep it’s like pouring salt in them, rinsing and repeating.
The guys are sitting at the table throwing the beers back. I can’t help but wonder if they were already here when I called them. I probably would’ve been had I not agreed to the therapy session today.
Just as I sit down, Raymond “River” Riveria, walks in. He receives pats on the back, shares handshakes and is admired by our fellow brothers. He’s our fire team leader and a damn fine one at that. Frannie, his wife, and Ryley are friends; at least, they were when we left. River’s the lucky bastard of the group. His wife welcomed him home with open arms and then vowed vengeance on whoever is responsible for the colossal f*ck-up. Frannie offered their extra bedroom to me, but I declined. They haven’t seen each other in years, the last thing they need is a roommate. River and Frannie also know everything about what’s going with Ryley. It’s a bit comforting to hear from Frannie that Nate and Ryley didn’t just fall in love and that she refused him for years, even though it still hurts and doesn’t really change my opinion of the situation.
Since our return, it’s been a never-ending cycle of pain. I’m starting to wonder if we were better off never coming back. Most of the wives and families had accepted that we were dead, and yet here we are ripping open healed wounds without any of the answers that our families and we need so desperately.
There’s an uncomfortable silence at the table. It’s completely different from when you’re meeting someone for the first time and you’ve run out of things to talk about. This silence is deafening, scary. We have too much to say with far too many questions to ask, and we’re all afraid of the answers.
A fresh pitcher of beer is set on the table and two other glasses added. I nod at Slick Rick, who is a dear friend of all the SEALs. He’s owned this bar for years and has always catered to the Navy. As far as he’s concerned this is our establishment. He’s open seven days a week and when I asked him why, he said the military is always working and so was he. As soon as our glasses are filled, we raise them toward the bar, acknowledging our thanks. Rick waves us off as if thanks aren’t needed.
“I’m hiring a private investigator.” It’s McCoy who breaks the silence. He’s lost the most out of our group. While some may think that he’s in the same boat I am, it’s not strictly true. I have the luxury of seeing Ryley whenever I want even if it tears me apart. McCoy hasn’t seen his daughter, who was three when we left, and now she’s gone.
“It’s smart,” River says, as he sits down. “Frannie wants us to talk to someone from the CIA to help us.”
“Why?” Rask asks, which honestly dumfounds me.
“Because something happened to us and our families,” I say. “After the shit I learned today, the articles I read… this mission we were on was a cover-up for something bigger and we were pawns.” I chug down my glass of beer and refill it, emptying the pitcher. No sooner do I set it down, another one appears. Rick just knows.
“I know someone, or at least I did, in the CIA,” I add. “Her name is Cara, and she used to date my brother.” Before my mission, I left thinking that Nate and Cara would be headed toward the altar and may even beat Ryley and me. Now I think his relationship with her was just a front to hide his feelings toward Ryley. “I’ll have to tread lightly where she’s concerned though. I don’t know how she and Nate ended.”
The guys all nod in agreement as we delve right back into the uncomfortable silence. That seems to be our norm. We sit and think about the shit storm our lives have become. There isn’t a real use in talking about it because we don’t have answers.
Before long, Frannie is at our table. She sits next to me, offering me comfort. The talk turns to sports and the weather. We don’t say much in front of Frannie, but we know that River has been talking to her. I’d be doing the same thing if I had Ryley. Never have I felt the need to talk about a mission before. I’d never break my oath, but I have a feeling if I don’t talk about it or write it down, facts are going to get lost or forgotten. I, for one, can’t afford to forget anything.
“Dinner tomorrow night at our house,” Frannie announces with such enthusiasm that McCoy and Rask agree immediately. “We’ll barbeque and maybe get a little surfing in if the waves are good and with Rask’s parents arriving, it will be a nice neutral ground.”
“Sounds good,” I say, even though she knows I’ll be there regardless. I don’t have any other place to go and staying on base right now is bringing me down.
It doesn’t take long for McCoy to leave. He has business to tend to and he won’t say anything in front of Frannie. Rask follows shortly after, stating that with his parents arriving, he needs some sleep. We know that’s not true, but we’re not about to argue.
“Ryley Clarke, I haven’t seen you in here in a long time. Glad to see you, sweetheart.” My head pops up at Rick’s voice calling out Ryley’s name. This is the first time I’ve seen her in here since we came back, and the fact that she’s only a few feet away from me causes my heart to go into palpations. I finish off my beer and am about to pour another glass when Frannie stops me.
“Keep your wits about you, Archer. Maybe she’s here to talk. I can tell you that once we got the news she stopped coming here, so this is a big step for her.”
Frannie’s confession throws me for a six. She just confirmed what I’ve been meaning to ask her all week – she and Ryley stayed in contact. My elation of that fact quickly dissipates when I realize that Frannie would have also known about Nate.
I set down my glass to appease Frannie’s suggestion. The last thing I want is to make Ryley uncomfortable or be too intoxicated if I speak to her, because I’m really hoping that, by the way she’s staring at me, she intends to come over.
My hopes are quickly met when she heads in our direction. Frannie stands and greets her with a long hug. I’m jealous, but grateful that they have each other. Ryley hugs River next and I know it’s too much to hope that I’ll get a hug, so I don’t stand to greet her and that pains me.
I try not to look too shocked when the old wooden chair next to me is pulled out. The scraping on the ground as she scoots forward is what gets my attention. There are four other seats and she took the one next to me. I have to sit on my hand to keep myself from reaching out and touching her. The world is a cruel place right now. I can’t be who I am with her because of the hand we’ve been dealt. As much as I love having her next to me, she has to remember that nothing has changed for me. It’s taking every bit of will power that I have to not pull her into my side. Her body is angled toward me as if it knows that I’m slowly dying on the inside.
“Hi, it’s really good to see you, River. Frannie you look so happy.” Not only does she not say hi to me, she tells River it’s good to see him. What am I? Chopped liver? Do I stink or something?
“Tomorrow night at our house, we’re having a barbeque, you should come.” If I could kiss Frannie, I would right now.
“That’d be great, but I think we’re going to head to Sacramento.”
Frannie nods, but Ryley’s statement leaves me confused.
“What’s in Sacramento?”
Ryley clears her throat and starts picking apart a paper napkin. “Your mom and Livvie still live there. I thought that we could take EJ up and stay for a night or two.”
“What?” my voice cracks with desperation and excitement. This whole week I’ve only seen glimpses of my son and have yet to meet him. I understand Ryley’s hesitation, but dammit if I don’t want to hold my boy. As much as I need to see my mom and sister, I’d much rather take the time to get to know my son and figure out a way to get my girl back. I can always call my mom.
“Oh, Ryley, that’s a wonderful idea.” I look at Frannie, who’s nodding and River who is looking at me. I chance a glance at Ryley and see that her eyes are damp with unshed tears.
Ryley meets my gaze and smiles. “I don’t know what I’m going to tell EJ, Evan, but I’m going to do it tonight. I can’t keep this bottled up any longer.”
I nod slowly, unable to find my voice.
“Would you like me there?” Frannie asks, again making me feel better that she and Ryley remained friends.
“No,” she says with a small smile. “I think I’ll be okay.”
I have to excuse myself immediately for fear of a colossal breakdown and something like that can’t happen in Magoo’s. River follows me, as I expected him to, into the men’s room.
I clutch the sink and stare at my reflection in the decades-old mirror.
“Everything’s going to be fine,” River says, standing next to me.
“I’m nervous. What if he doesn’t like me?”
He shakes his head. “From what I’ve learned, there’s a mural of you in his room, something one of Ryley’s friends did. Frannie has spoken so much about EJ and how great a kid he is, I think you’re going to find out you have nothing to worry about.”
“Except total rejection from my son.”
River shakes his head. “Frannie tells me he’s the spitting image of you.”
I roll my eyes. “Great, that must drive Ryley crazy.”
“There are worse things in life.” He’s right, too. He takes his leave and I follow soon after. I half expect Ryley to be gone when I return, but she’s still sitting there chatting with Frannie. I use this moment to fully appraise her. Everything about her is the same as I remember, yet different. She’s more refined. More woman and less girl. I hate that I missed all the changes she went through and even standing here and thinking about the days… years that I missed, I want to hurt someone.
Ryley glances up and catches me staring. I smile and turn away bashfully but keep my eyes on her. The draw I feel toward her is still there. She’s pulling me by a string and before I know it, I’m sitting next to her again.
“What’d I miss?” I ask nonchalantly, acting as if this is the norm for us, the four of us sitting around a table and drinking beer while River and I discuss our workday – sans important details, of course.
“We were just talking about dinner,” Ryley says, catching my eye.
“Yeah, the mess hall is definitely not on my list of places to visit tonight.”
She shakes her head and takes a deep breath. “I thought maybe you’d come over in a half hour, have dinner with us. We can talk to EJ, together.” Her voice is so small, but forceful. She has no idea that her words slice through my gut even though they’re the most joyous words I’ve heard all week.
“You and EJ?” It’s a dumb question, but I need confirmation that my brother isn’t home yet. I’m not ready to see him.
“Yes, plus my parents. They missed you, and my dad wants to see you.”
I bite the inside of my cheek to keep my emotions in check. I nod, unable to find the words to express how grateful I am right now. Her father, he stepped up after my dad died. He made me feel like a son and welcomed me into his family with open arms.
“I’d love to.”
My car idles in front of the house Ryley and I used to share. The lawn is in need of cutting, and it makes me wonder if she does it or if she pays someone to come by. I suppose Nate takes care of it, but what if he’s not here? Who helps her? Not that she needs help. Ryley is one of the most independent, fiercely loyal and dedicated people I know. Aside from my ‘death,’ I don’t think there’s anything she can’t handle.
A knock on my window startles me. Ryley is bent over with her hands on her bare knees. She’s no longer wearing a dress, but is now in cut-off jeans and a t-shirt. Her gorgeous, red hair is piled high in what she used to call her study bun. I press down on the lever, lowering my window. She crouches down, resting her arms where the window was.
“You okay?”
My eyes meet hers, making me smile. She doesn’t have a clue what her words are doing to me today, but I need to find a way to tell her.
“I’m pretty nervous.”
Ryley chuckles, and I smile again. It feels damn good to smile with a purpose. “Worse than first date nervous?”
“No, having a first date with you was the easiest thing I ever did.” I run my hand down my leg. “I don’t know how to answer some of the questions, or how I’m supposed to feel. They thought I was dead and I… “
“Listen, my parents love you, and they’re concerned. You know Mom is going to start an investigation into this, and I can promise you that they won’t talk about it tonight.”
I nod and the question that has been plaguing me since earlier in the bar comes to mind. “Why are you doing this?”
Ryley moves away from my car slightly, before clearing her throat. “Today, in therapy, she reminded me that this isn’t your fault. You didn’t choose to be gone or have them tell us you’re dead. You have a right to know EJ, just as he has a right to know his dad, but he thinks Nate is his dad, and I’m not sure how to tell him otherwise.”
The sound of Nate’s name being mentioned turns my insides, but I get it. I understand. At least, I think I do.
“I want to know my son, Ryley. I want to be his dad.”
Tears glisten in her eyes. “I know, Evan. I want that too.”
I look briefly at the house and pull the handle to open the door. Ryley backs away, allowing me to get out. We walk side by side for the first time in years back into our house, each step bringing me closer to the inevitable.
As soon as the door opens, laughter starts to fill the void in my heart. The living room is exactly the way I remember it, but now an American flag sits on top of the mantle next to my picture and my medals. A normal person would go over and look at them, but I don’t care. They’re tainted.
“I didn’t change much after you… the couch is new, but the same. I had someone rebuild it for me because I couldn’t part with it.”
“It’s just a couch, Ry.”
She shrugs. “I know, but you loved it.”
I follow the voices, leading me toward the backyard. I know what I’m going to find, and even though my head says I’m prepared, my heart isn’t. I know Ryley’s close, I can feel her. My hand rests on the handle of the sliding glass door. Ry’s hand comes down on top of mine, and she gives it a little tug.
“He’ll love you, Evan,” she says as she pushes open the door.
We step out onto the deck, and the laughter stops. Her mom spots me first and covers her mouth. I hate that she’s about to cry. When her arms wrap around me, her words are soft in my ears. “I’m so sorry, Evan. So very sorry.” I give her a squeeze and release her.
Her dad steps up to me and holds out his hand. A man of little emotion, it works for me. “You missed our fishing date.” I nod, again biting the inside of my cheek.
“Sorry, sir. It won’t happen again.” A smile breaks out on his face as he pulls me into a hug. “Glad you’re home, son.”
“Me too.” Jensen Clarke is a man of few words and emotions so when he pulls away and hides his face from my view, I know he’s feeling the same as me. We’ve been cheated out of a lifetime of memories and for what, I don’t know, but I’m going to find out.
Ryley comes into view walking up the steps from the back yard. She’s holding the hand of my five-year-old son who isn’t the spitting image of me, but of his mother. This time, there’s no biting of the cheek because the tears are flowing freely down my face. EJ stands next to Ryley and stares at me. His eyes move all around as he takes me in. I crouch down to get a better look at him. EJ’s blue eyes shine against his dark, red hair.
“I know you,” he says, much to my surprise.
“Oh yeah?” I have to clear my throat to beat the frog that has taken up residence there.
“Yeah, you’re on my walls.”
I turn my attention to Ryley for confirmation, but her eyes are downcast. There’s a small hint of a smile forming; she’s trying to fight it. I’ve seen this look many times. She’s embarrassed, but she shouldn’t be. She was trying to preserve my memory. I get it. I just wish it never had to happen in the first place.
“I can’t wait to see your room,” I reply, hoping he understands that I want to see not only his bedroom, but also everything else he wants to show me.
“Mommy, is he the other Eban? You know the one I talk about in my prayers?”
I choke, and Carole sobs. Her hand quickly covers her mouth as Jensen pulls her into his arms. Ryley’s a trooper though; she’s holding it together perfectly. I, on the other hand, am shaking like a leaf.
“Yes, EJ, this is Evan.” That’s all she says, not that I’m expecting more but am hoping.
“That’s my name, too!” he says with a smile complete with a missing front tooth. Before I can say anything, a long, wet nose, followed by a larger head is thrust between us. EJ is knocked down, but laughs. I stagger, catching myself before I hit the deck.
“Deefur, knock it off,” EJ says, pushing his hair out of his face and standing back up. Deefur was just a pup when I bought him for Ryley. He’s a black lab and was purchased with the intent to train. I wanted Ryley to feel safe when I was gone. He was supposed to be the answer, not my brother.
“Dat’s my dog,” EJ giggles.
“I remember him when he was a puppy.”
“He’s really big now. Do you wanna see my room?”
Leave it to the five year old to change the subject and bring me back to the here and now.