“LET’S SHIFT A LITTLE and talk about your parents. Both your parents are in the military, right?”
I lean my elbow on the armrest of the couch. “My dad is a consultant for the Army Corps of Engineers, a federal employee. My mom is still active; she’s stationed in Coronado. She takes EJ to work with her every now and again. EJ loves it. He wants to be like his grandma and his dad. I have no doubt that someday he’ll wear the same uniform, but I’ve told you that already.”
“I know, just going over my notes.
“Okay,” I say meekly. My voice is tired. I’m tired. My session needs to be over.
“You met the Archers in Washington?”
I nod. “We did, but when Evan received his orders for Coronado, I applied to school in San Diego. Everyone thought I was stupid, but I wanted to be near him. My dad was livid and insisted that I apply everywhere so I could live my life and not worry about Evan or cater to his whereabouts. My mom encouraged me to enlist or become a lawyer like her, saying I might help someone one day like she does, but that’s not what I wanted. It’s not how I saw my life.”
“How did you see your life?”
“With Evan, as his wife, raising our children while he’s protecting our country. It was important to me that I support him and be there for him. I think it was important to him, as well, that he knew I’d be his support all the time, regardless of the situation.”
“What if you were to break up?”
I shrug. “I tried to never think like that. I wanted to always be positive for Evan. Happy and welcoming. He was under enough stress that he didn’t need mine as well.”
“How many schools did you apply to?”
“Five, maybe? I don’t remember. I wanted something close and really liked the area when I visited the schools there. When I was accepted at San Diego State I thought my dad was going to freak and refuse to pay for school. My mom though, she requested a transfer. They moved to Coronado about three months after I left for school.”
“How did you feel having them so close?”
“Honestly, I didn’t mind. I’m family orientated, so having them literally in my backyard was a blessing. I could drive home on the weekends and for holidays. I could’ve even lived at home, but being on campus gave Evan plenty of opportunities to spend the night. Having them there made it easy for me to make decisions. I didn’t have to apologize to them because I was going to be spending the holidays with Evan. We were all together.”
“And what about Evan’s mom and sister? Where were they?”
“Julianne and Livvie stayed until the twins received their orders. Right now, they live in Sacramento.”
“And all the parents get along?”
“Oh, I don’t know about that.” I hate that they don’t, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Our relationship is strained. “At first, yes, everyone got along and even more so after Archie died, but since Evan… the tension started at his funeral. Like I said before, Julianne wanted things a certain way but Nate made sure I was afforded liberties. She was mad at Nate for a while, but eventually forgave him. Julianne questioned Evan’s death and asked my mom to look into it. She wanted answers, and the Navy wasn’t giving them to her. She expected my mom to find them out and my mom couldn’t.
“I hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant except for Evan and Nate so when I announced that I was… I don’t know. Julianne didn’t seem excited. I thought for sure she’d be thrilled, her son’s legacy was going to live on and she’d still have a piece of Evan with her. At first she ignored the idea and that upset my father greatly. He couldn’t understand how, after losing her husband and son, she wouldn’t embrace my pregnancy.
“As I started to show and the more Nate brought me to her house, she came around. I know she was hurting, but so was I. I was trying to sustain a healthy pregnancy and bring Evan’s child into this world when most of the time I wanted to curl up and be left alone.
“I can’t imagine what’s going to happen when Julianne finds out about Evan now.”
The therapist leans forward as if she’s intrigued in my soap opera life. “She doesn’t know?”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t believe she does. He… Evan said he wasn’t ready to see her yet.”
“And do your parents know?”
“Yes, they do. I called my mom because… because this whole situation seems so wrong and unrealistic. I need her to get answers.”
Her hand moves fast over her sheet of paper. I can only imagine what she’s putting down. This family needs help!!!! This woman is bat-shit crazy. I’m sure the list will be endless and I’ll never get out of here. I have no doubt that I’ll leave here with an itinerary of extensive therapy not for only me, but also for my family.
“How did your parents react to the news that Evan had died?”
“My dad was hurt. I’ve only seen him cry a few times in my life. I called him first because I needed him. He came right over, and I didn’t even have to tell him. He just knew. He held me while I sobbed in his arms. He knew what it felt like, he’s lost friends before, but this time it was like losing his son.
“He had once said to me that he didn’t want me to marry into the military because he wanted me to experience a different life, but he understood that you can’t help who you fall in love with. I didn’t look at it as a military to non-military issue, I was in love with Evan and this was his job. I accepted that and was proud of him.
“My parents were proud of him too, and they let him know all the time. Evan’s death hit them hard. Their daughter didn’t just lose her fiancé, they also lost a son. My dad may have been a hard ass and strict, but he had respect for the twins and was especially close to Evan.”
“A lot of family time, I’m gathering?”
“All the time, at least when Evan was home. Sunday dinners and weekend picnics were the norm. If Evan was just returning, my mom threw a big party for him. We’d all be together, Nate, Julianne and Livvie included. My parents made them feel welcomed and my mom even tried to set up Julianne with an officer from base, but she wasn’t having it. She said that she wasn’t lonely while she was still raising a teenage daughter.”
“You mentioned earlier that things are strained with you and Julianne?”
“Yes, ever since Evan’s funeral. I had hoped that things would change when EJ was born, but they didn’t. Well, it did for EJ, but not for me. Julianne is close with EJ, and she tolerates me as his mother. I think that I’m a reminder or something. When Nate decided to reenlist, she berated me something fierce. She told me that I was taking her last son away from her. Sometimes I think she says things to EJ to make him question Nate’s uniform.”
“How is your mom with EJ?”
“Oh, EJ is her world. Since moving to California my dad fishes a lot, and when EJ was little, he kept him during the day and they’d do manly things, but my mom would take him on the weekends. They do everything together. She’s taught him how to garden and make jam. They’ll go apple picking in the fall, and she’ll take him on base to show him off. He has his own set of NWU’s that he wears proudly. EJ is grandma’s angel. I know she wants more grandchildren and thought that Nate and I would expand our family, but now… well, now I’m not so sure that’s going to happen.”
“How do your parents feel about Nate?”
“My dad isn’t as close to Nate as he was to Evan, but he still treats him fairly. They’ve been to sporting events, fishing trips, father-son stuff, but it’s not the same, and Nate knows that. I think my dad doesn’t want to get close. Fear has set in that one day Nate may not come back from a mission and we’ll all be broken-hearted again. I’m not sure how many people you have to lose before you stop caring, but I think my dad is there at least. I could be there too.”
“And your mother?”
“She’s impartial. She wants to see me happy. She wants EJ to grow up with a strong family background. They’re not joking when they say it takes a village to raise a child because it does, especially when you feel broken and beaten down. I depend a lot on my mom, not only to teach me, but to guide me into motherhood. I’m not sure how single parents do it. I commend them though. I have a whole army of people ready and willing on a moment’s notice to drop what they’re doing to help me.”
“Army?” she questions with a raised eyebrow.
For the first time I can feel myself smile. “Bad pun, sorry,” I say, jokingly. Maybe this will help, but then again maybe not. A little glimmer of hope can go a long way though.