“DO YOU WANT TO talk about EJ?” she asks. Normally I’d respond with a resounding yes, but right now the answer is no. I feel like I’ve failed my little boy in every way possible. I don’t know how I’m going to sit him down and tell him that Evan is his dad and that Nate is just playing daddy so that he didn’t feel left out at school. We should’ve corrected him when he first called Nate daddy, but we didn’t. We thought this would be a good thing for EJ. We thought giving him a father figure would help ease the pain when he was older and we told him about Evan.
That was our plan from the beginning. We’d sit EJ down when he was older, when he could better understand, and tell him about Evan. Show him pictures of his dad. Tell him stories about how he’s a hero and how proud EJ should be to be named after him. EJ would understand then, but now? Now he’ll be confused and hurt, and it’s my fault.
“What do you want to know?” I ask, leaving the door open for anything. It’s not going to matter what she asks. Everything I tell her about EJ will tear me wide open.
“How old is he?”
“He’s five. He’ll start kindergarten in the fall.”
“Is he excited?”
“He is.” I do something I least expect of myself by pulling out my wallet and showing her a picture of him. He’s standing next to my dad and mom wearing NWU’s like my mom. EJ’s red hair looks shaggy under this cap, but he stands there next to my dad proud to be his mini-me.
“He’s adorable.”
“Thanks,” I say, tucking my wallet back into my purse. “He looks just like Evan. At least I think he does. My mom says he looks like me, but aside from his hair color, he’s all Evan. He acts just like him.”
“I find that surprising considering Nate raised him. You mentioned earlier that the twins are the opposite of each other.”
“I do too. Nate is so calm about everything, whereas Evan was wild. EJ is wild and sometimes out of control, at least for me, but he’s nothing like Nate. EJ wants all the excitement and the reward. He knows if he sets his mind to something the payoff will be there at the end. Even at five, he knows about hard work.”
“Are you afraid he’ll go into the service?”
“No. I know I should be considering… but I’m not. It’s in his blood. I think I’d be more shocked if he didn’t enlist at eighteen.”
The therapist shifts the papers on her desk before leaning back in her chair. “You have a big task on your hands where your son is concerned.”
“I know,” I say, honestly. It’s the one thing that I do know. I don’t care if he’s five or fifteen. He’s not going to understand that his dad is Evan, and when he asks why, what do I say? I’m sorry, we were told he was dead, and expect everything to be okay? I can’t even wrap my head around that at the moment; how’s he supposed to?
“Well, that’s one of the reasons you’re here today. So let me help you. The first thing I’m going to tell you is that it’s not going to matter how you say it, it’ll sound wrong to you because of the pain you’re in. You need to understand that your son is resilient. Yes, he won’t understand at first –“
“I don’t understand. How am I supposed to explain it to my son? He… he loves Nate and I can’t tell Nate to go away, but I also can’t tell Nate to stay because Evan deserves a chance to get to know his son. And EJ… he deserves them both.
“God, I’m so confused and frustrated,” I say, standing up. “I don’t know what to do, and you don’t have the answer. Sitting EJ down is the only answer, but he’s not going to understand it. He’s not going to comprehend his mommy sitting him down and showing him a picture of Evan and saying hey bud, sorry, Nate really isn’t your dad, but this guy is. In this fantasy world I’ve been living in, none of this happens, and I’m getting married soon. We healed. He died. We buried him. We said our goodbyes and moved on.”
I stand with my back to her, afraid that she’ll cringe at the way I look right now. I must look like an evil witch to her, but I can’t help it. I just want some happy in my life, and I thought I was getting that. I thought I had earned it.
“The day Evan’s mom showed up at our house asking for his flag, I told her I was pregnant. I asked her if she really wanted to take Evan’s legacy away from his son. She sat there, stoically, with her hands holding a picture of Evan. The picture, just a random one that I had out, was from his basic training.”
“‘Where did you get this?’”
“‘Evan. He sent it to me when he was in basic.’”
“‘He gave you everything, didn’t he?’”
“‘We’re engaged, Julianne, why wouldn’t he share everything with me?’”
“‘Were.’”
“What?’”
“‘You were engaged.’”
“‘Julianne, I’m still having his son. We created this child together, and he knew he was having a child before he…’”
“‘You can say it.’”
“‘No, I can’t.’”
“I never understood how she could talk about Evan being gone so quickly. I couldn’t. Even when he was deployed, I acted like he was coming home any day just so I had peace of mind. I can’t imagine what she went through when she lost her husband and again to lose her son, but I wasn’t her enemy.
“My pregnancy was without complications. Whenever Nate was home he was making sure I was eating. Lois or Frannie, she’s River’s wife, were at all my appointments, and Carter helped Nate build EJ’s crib. Lois, she did this amazing collage of Evan, which is EJ’s wallpaper. So many people gave me photos after Evan died that she took them and had them made into wallpaper. Still to this day, EJ’s room is my favorite room in the house.
“I was alone when I delivered. I told my mom that if Evan couldn’t be with me, no one could. So I did it by myself. There was no one to hold my hand or tell me to push just a little bit harder. I felt Evan with me though. I knew he was in the room. But knowing what I know now, it was just a figment of my imagination. He could’ve been there when his son was born, but he wasn’t. When I think back to that day…” I shake my head to clear my thoughts. “I gave birth to EJ alone. I was empty inside and sobbed when the nurse set him on my chest. Evan wasn’t there to share that moment with me. I held our son and cried until there was nothing left. I wasn’t happy after I had EJ because everything was different. I was alone. I was left alone, and nothing can change that.”
“You’re not alone now, though, Ryley.”
I scoff. “I guess that depends on your definition of alone.”
“Do you think Evan feels alone?”
I bite my lower lip, likely drawing blood, to keep myself from crying. Only my self-inflicted pain doesn’t stop the tears from flowing.
“I know Evan feels like he’s alone. It’s hard to describe, but I’ve always felt connected to him. Even when they told me he died, it was hard to believe. I thought that I’d feel my heart stop when he died, that I would know, but it was nothing like that. I had always sensed him around me, or would imagine him walking into the room I was in, and seconds later, there he was. I tried to explain myself to him once, and all he did was nod and say he felt it too.
“I should’ve trusted my instincts, but I’m supposed to trust the people he works for and I did, and now look at where we are – sitting in your office trying to come up with a decent resolution.”
“Why do you call the resolution decent, Ryley?” she asks, sliding her notepad to the side of her desk. I find it hard to believe she’s done analyzing my life, but I’m willing to appease her.
“Like I’ve said, there’s so much hurt in my family right now, decent would be a godsend. Regardless of any choice I make, brothers will be torn apart. A family that has healed is once again experiencing the wounds that destroyed all of us. Julianne doesn’t know her son is alive, and Nate doesn’t know about his brother. Regardless of what Evan says, Nate wouldn’t hide this from me.”
“What did Evan say?”
I reach for a tissue and dab at my eyes. Today can’t end fast enough for me. “The day that Evan returned and I told him about Nate, Evan kept saying Nate knew. Everything from that day is so confusing. I didn’t ask Evan to elaborate. I didn’t think I needed to. I was in shock.”
“You don’t sound so sure,” she states, adding to my uncertainty.
“That’s because I’m not. Seeing him standing there, none of it makes sense.”
The therapist picks up her pad and when I think she’s about to write another novel about my life, she slides it into an open desk drawer. She places her folded hands on top of her desk and attempts to smile. I know it’s hard for her to listen to my sob story and not judge me. I’m thankful she did.
“As you know, I’m going to meet with Evan in a little while, but we’re not done. I’m very aware of your timeline to get things resolved. If I were in your shoes, I’d postpone the wedding until the three of you can sort everything out. I’m not saying cancel, but just put it off for a bit. I’m afraid you’d do yourself and Nate an injustice if you went through with the ceremony as planned.
“I’ve cleared my calendar this week and plan to see you and Evan – together – in the next couple of days to discuss what methods need to be implemented for both of you to be successful parents to EJ because frankly, he’s the most important person in this travesty and we need to make sure he’s well taken care of.”
I nod and stand, extending my hand to her. “I’m sorry I was so rude and absent when we began. I’ve had years of talking about Evan, to find closure and to have those wounds ripped open – sitting down and talking to a stranger was not something I wanted to do.”
“I completely understand, Ryley.” She stands and walks me to the door. I pause, with my hand on the knob and brace myself. Evan could be there, waiting. We could see each other, make eye contact and both would see how much hurt we’ve been going through. Only, I don’t sense him there, but I’ve learned not to follow my gut anymore.
“He’s not there, Ryley, if that’s why you’re waiting.” I let her words linger in the air as I open the door slowly to find Lois still with her nose in a magazine, just like I left her. She looks up, smiles softly and stands to take my hand.