THERE ARE MOMENTS IN my life that I have imagined: Evan holding my hand when I gave birth to EJ, meeting him at the end of the aisle, watching our son grow. Some of them I think of over and over again, but nothing could ever prepare me for seeing Evan and EJ standing side by side. When I was pregnant, I had to pretend that Evan’s hands were wrapped around me, cradling our child, or that his lips were pressing kisses along my growing stomach. These are all moments that I’ll never get back, at least not with EJ and likely never with Evan. I know Nate is a good father, but missing these things with Evan, knowing how much he wanted the baby growing in my belly at the time he was deployed, pains me that we’ve missed so much.
Standing here and watching father and son bond, even though they don’t realize that’s what they’re doing, is tearing me apart. Too much pain and agony has been created by someone we were all supposed to trust, and I’m not sure if there’s recourse. Even though my son has been brought up by a fantastic dad, he’s missed out on a chance to know what an amazing father Evan would’ve been to him.
I know I can change all that for EJ and for Evan too, but I don’t know how to do it without hurting anyone. The therapist is right: EJ’s young, he’ll understand. I know I have to tell him, if not for his sake, but for Evan’s. He has every right to know his son and be called Dad. He’s earned it.
The loud clank of the barbeque lid being shut by my father brings me back to the here and now. Evan is crouched down, talking to EJ whose arms are flying madly in the air. EJ’s so animated with everything it’s hard for me to tell what kind of story he’s sharing. I angle myself just right so I can study Evan’s face while he listens to EJ. The smile Evan is sporting is reminiscent to the one he had when I told him I was pregnant. We were so happy I didn’t think anything would shatter the bubble we were living in. I was wrong, and hope I can attempt to mend the fixable.
Evan laughs at EJ who in turn bends over and gives him a full belly laugh. My dad and mom chuckle behind me, and I hear my mom sigh. She and I have spent countless nights cuddled together on the couch watching home movies of Evan just so I could hear his voice, so that the baby I was carrying could hear him speak. Even after he died, I didn’t stop. Before the news came that he wasn’t coming home, I would tell Lois and Frannie all the things we were going to do when he was back. They were annoyed with me, always yammering on, until they weren’t because I needed those pretend memories to keep me going. I needed to see in my mind and feel in my heart the way Evan would’ve held his son, the way he would’ve coached me during childbirth. I needed to hear him walking up and down the hall at night while he tried to calm EJ down so I could sleep. In my mind he existed.
“Momma, can I show him my room?” The sound of EJ’s voice startles me slightly. I’m so lost in a daydream of what could’ve been that the here and now is standing before me. Evan stands up, reaching his full height and towering over EJ and myself. He doesn’t say anything because I feel that he knows I can’t deny him. I can’t deny him anything, and that scares me.
“His name is Evan,” I correct EJ who smacks himself in the forehead.
“I forgot.”
“Yes, it’s okay to take Evan to your room.”
EJ pumps his fist in the air and yells out ‘awesome’ before he runs off into the house leaving Evan standing there.
“You comin’, Eban?” EJ yells, and I find myself laughing at the way he says Evan.
Evan turns and says, “Sure am,” before he turns back to me. “Thank you for this, Ryley. I’m not sure I’ll be able to express how much it means to me to be here with you, EJ and your mom and dad.”
I nod, biting my lower lip. I have to turn away, afraid that his gaze will make me cry. “You should hurry. His room is—“
“I know which one it is, Ry, I remember.”
With that, Evan walks into the house that we picked out together. Even though he hasn’t been here in six years, he hasn’t forgotten a thing. That thought alone makes me think about what he said when he was standing in front of me last week. He had pictures. Someone was making sure that the guys were kept up to date while we were all in mourning. Who would do something so horrible to us and why?
“How ya holding up?” My mom’s hands rest on my shoulders.
“I’m okay. Today’s been rough, but the therapist helped me realize that it’s not Evan’s fault and that I have a lot of very hard decisions to make.”
“Your father and I are very proud of you, and you know we’re here. Why don’t you go on upstairs and just watch them interact. It may make telling EJ just a bit easier if he’s comfortable around him.”
I heed her advice and make my way up to EJ’s room. The door is closed, but the laughter coming out of his room is heartwarming. I turn the knob and open the door slowly. My intent is to spy, but what I see just about does me in. EJ is in Evan’s arms and he’s telling EJ about each picture on the wall. Evan points with his freehand and describes what he was doing and how upset or happy his mom was with him at that particular time. This is really the only moment I’ve been given, or taken advantage of, to stop and stare at Evan. The memories haven’t done him justice, that’s for sure. His arms are more muscular, defined really, as he flexes to hold EJ. The tattoos that I had memorized, some that I watched him have done, are there, but less vibrant. His dark hair is buzzed making me miss the locks he had when he left.
Evan points out and names everyone in the photos, and even though EJ knows who they are, he allows Evan to do so. Seeing them together, it’s uncanny how much they’re alike. The only thing EJ doesn’t have is Evan’s dark hair.
They turn and find me standing there. Evan doesn’t look surprised at all making me wonder if he knew if I was standing here the whole time. He smiles the most adorable lopsided grin, highlighting his dimples.
“Isn’t your mom beautiful?” he says to EJ quietly, but loud enough for me to hear. I turn away, staring down at the ground as my cheeks heat up. It’s not that I haven’t had a compliment in a while, it’s just the way Evan says it. His voice has always turned my insides to goo.
“She’s pretty,” EJ says with a smile. Evan looks at him and grins before turning his gaze onto me. He winks and walks toward me. This is an image I’ve had on replay in my mind for years. This is how life should be. Not the life we’re leading right now, each of us on different sides of the fence with one wanting what he had when he left, and the other learning to move on. We’ve been dealt a shitty stack of cards.
“Well, I think you guys are both very handsome.” EJ nose scrunches up causing us to laugh.
“I don’t want to be handsome. I’m cute.”
Both Evan and I start to laugh which causes EJ to start as well.
“Is it dinner time?”
I nod. “I think so, but I thought the three of us could talk first.”
Evan nods and holds EJ a little tighter. “Where do we talk?”
I motion toward the door. “Downstairs. I know my parents are here, but they know everything and it might be easier for EJ to understand.”
“Okay,” he agrees and follows me as we make our way back downstairs. I sit first, and Evan sits down across from me. He reluctantly lets EJ go, but I ask EJ to sit down so we can have a talk.
With my hands folded and a frog resting in my throat, I look at Evan and EJ sitting side by side and know it’s now or never. Never can’t be an option.
“EJ, do you know who Evan is?” I start, unable to really comprehend what I’m saying or how I’m going to tell him.
He looks at Evan, shrugs and shakes his head.
“Do you know how your dad is away right now?”
He nods, still looking confused.
“Evan is your dad’s brother, but —”
I have to stop when a sob takes over my body. The couch dips and Evan is next to me with his arms around me. I melt into him. My body knows him regardless of him being away for so long. My hands cover my face as I wipe away the tears. I have to be strong and do this for Evan.
Clearing my throat, I adjust, but Evan doesn’t move his arm from my shoulder, and I don’t ask him to. It just means I’m going to hell for having these feelings for two men. “You know how Chris has two dads?”
“Yeah, and he says it’s the coolest thing ‘cause he gets lots of presents.” Of course my child would be excited about the prospect of presents and not the drama of having two dads.
“EJ, I know you’re only five, but you’re very smart and going to start school soon so I want you to listen to me closely.”
EJ leans forward with his little arms resting on his knees. Evan chuckles behind me, and all I can think is how much fun it’s going to be watching Evan get to know his son and realize how much trouble we’re in because EJ is Evan’s mini-me in every way that counts.
“Evan is your dad and before I had you in the hospital, he had to go away on a super-secret mission that took a really long time, but he’s back now, and he’s not going anywhere.”
EJ’s brows furrow, his expression probably mirrors the one I held when I first saw Evan coming down the steps earlier in the week, although for different reasons.
“EJ?”
He looks up at me with the most confused look I’ve ever seen. “Are you and Daddy not gettin’ married?”
I feel Evan stiffen next to me. I swallow hard and fake a smile at our son. “Your dad and I are still getting married, EJ.” With that Evan removes his arm, and I’m instantly cold and left feeling hollow. “What I’m trying to tell you is that Evan is your dad – he helped make you in my tummy – and Nate is also your dad because he’s raised you.”
I think that I’ve only confused him more when he blankly stares at me and Evan. Of course, Evan isn’t helping, not that I think he should. This is my mess. I need to be the one to clean it up.
My mom and dad walk in, and my mom sits by me while my dad takes the spot next to EJ. He pulls him into his lap and gives him a hug. “I know your mom is making your head all messy, but she’s a girl and girls do that a lot.”
“Hey,” both my mom and I yell out at the same time to no avail because all the men are laughing.
“Do you know your name?” my dad asks, confusing not only EJ but myself as well.
“It’s EJ, silly Papa.”
“Yes, but what does EJ stand for?”
EJ pretends to think by tapping his finger against his lips, another Evan trait. “Eban junior,” he says proudly.
“Well, to have the name junior added, you have to be named after someone and that usually means you’re named after your dad and sometimes your mom.”
He shrugs, still not understanding. I knew this would be hard, but had no idea that we couldn’t convey that Evan is his biological dad, and he’s here to stay.
“Sweetie, look at grandma.” EJ does immediately and dazzles her with his smile. “Your mommy and Evan were going to get married before he had to go away. Everyone told us that he wasn’t coming back – that we’d never see him again – so when you were born, we all wanted you to have a daddy and Nate said he’d do it. Evan and Nate are brothers and Nate – well, we all wanted Nate to help be your daddy.”
EJ looks from my mom, to me, to Evan and my dad with his lower lip sticking out. My heart breaks for my son, being five years old and trying to grasp this news. “So he’s not my daddy no more?”
“No, of course not,” Evan speaks up. “I just want a chance to be your daddy too, EJ. I’ve missed so much, and I didn’t mean to. Look…” Evan moves and reaches for his wallet, pulling out a picture. I catch a glimpse of the photo – it’s of me and Evan with his hand on my belly right before he left.
“I know you can’t see much, but you’re behind my hand, in your mommy’s tummy. When she told me that she was pregnant I was so happy… still am happy. I want to marry her someday and had planned to until I had to go away.”
It doesn’t escape my attention that he said he wants to marry me, not wanted.
“Why’d you go away?”
“My job sent me and… and I don’t know EJ, something happened and I’m not sure how to explain it, but I can promise you that I’ll never be gone like that again.”
EJ appraises us all to see our reactions. We’re all stoic, unreadable. “So I have two dads now?”
All of us nod slowly, except for Evan. I know he doesn’t want to agree, but for now this is how it has to be.
“I’m hungry, Papa.”
The four of us start laughing in relief. Leave it to the kid to diffuse a heavy situation with a hungry stomach. My dad carries EJ into the other room, followed by my mom, leaving me with Evan who is still sitting so close to me that I could just lean in and get lost in all things Evan. I could pull him close and breathe him in, but that’d be wrong. My traitor body is telling me otherwise though. My skin is screaming to be touched by him and my fingers, they’re locked in a vice grip so that I don’t reach out and run my fingers over the ink on this arms.
“This is really hard, Ryley.”
“I know,” I whisper.
“I want my family back, and I’m going to tell you this right now, I’m very angry with Nate. I was told that he knew everything. Hell, I thought you were sending me f*cking care packages only to find out you thought I was dead. But there’s no excuse for Nate. I’ve always known he’s had feelings for you, and the moment I’m out of the picture he swoops in –“
“It wasn’t like that.”
“I don’t care, Ry. What I care about is you and our son. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t have gone on that mission, River and I thought something was up with it when we got the orders, but we follow orders and look where we are now.”
Evan stands and places his hand on my cheek, guiding my eyes to his. “I’m going to fight for my family and I’ll do it dirty if I have to. I’ll be the one standing up at your wedding stopping it, and I’m going to prove that you’re still madly in love with me even though we haven’t seen or been with each other in six years. Your body sings for me, I felt it when I sat down next to you.”
He bends down and places a searing kiss on my lips, and once again I’m back in the ice cream shop with chocolate, raspberry and Evan consuming every sense that I have. I don’t want it to end. I want to be sixteen again and starting to fall in love with the most gorgeous boy I’ve ever met. I want the redo, the start over. I think we’ve earned that. When he pulls away I almost reach for him, but I refrain. I’m committed to someone else, and the fact that I have to keep reminding myself of that is not a good thing.