“YOU KNOW, EVAN, SOMETIMES talking about what you’ve been through makes the outcome easier to deal with.”
I adjust, stretching my legs out in front me. This is my relaxed posture, even though I feel rigid as hell and extremely uncomfortable. I had wanted to do this on base, but understood Ryley’s reluctance of stepping foot there. The girl I left behind loved the military. She accepted my job into her heart and life with open arms. She encouraged me to be the best, to be better than I thought I could be. Now she wants nothing to do with the Navy, and I can’t really blame her. I want everything to do with her though. Not having her in my life, especially since I didn’t know she was gone from it to begin with, is unacceptable to me.
“Do you have PTSD?”
My head rises sharply as I glare at her. PTSD isn’t something to mess around with and surely if I had it, I wouldn’t be talking to a civilian doctor on how to deal with it. Docs on base are trained to deal with who we are when we come home from war or a conflict. I’m not saying she’s not, but it’s different.
“I wasn’t captured or held hostage. It wasn’t like that.”
“What was it like?”
Bringing my legs back up, I lean forward on my knees and clasp my hands together. “Everything I do, everything my unit does, is classified. You get to walk the streets enjoying your freedom because of what we do out there.”
“I’m very appreciative of the freedom your actions and those of the military have afforded me as an American.” She leans forward making sure she has my attention. “I’m not the enemy here, Evan, I’m here to try and help. I’m here to see if I can give you and Ryley some resolution over the situation. I’m not saying I can, but I’m hoping that by the time we’re done here today, you both leave with a path that puts you where you need to be.”
“I doubt it,” I mumble, looking away from her penetrating gaze.
“You can’t fill your mind with doubt, Evan. If you do, it eats at who you are and makes you less of a person. You, Ryley and Nate are in an unfortunate situation, one that can be blamed on a number of people and circumstances.”
“I trusted my brother to keep her safe, not get into her pants.”
The doctor leans back in her chair and shakes her head. I don’t care if she doesn’t agree with me. It’s what happened. It’s how I see things. He knew what I was doing. He had to know we lost communications. It was all written there in my file, and I saw the words written out with my own eyes. Nowhere did it say we were presumed dead. Nowhere did it say we weren’t coming home.
“Someone lied to Ryley and to me. Someone has to pay.”
“What if that someone is the Navy, Evan? Have you stopped to think about that possibility?”
“Why would they do that?” my voice breaks slightly, showing too much emotion for my liking. I readjust, leaning back. My hands grip the arm rests, waiting for her to elaborate on her theory.
“It may not have been intentional. It could’ve been a clerical error. I want you to think about all the options here. Was everyone who was assigned to your mission there when you came back? Did anyone leave for a different post, retirement or not reenlist?”
I don’t want to think she’s right or onto something. We’re all professionals, errors like this don’t happen. A funeral was had, a body flown back. I’m assuming the CACO showed up on my steps with the chaplain behind him to notify Ryley that I had been killed. Did this happen?
She clears her throat, bringing my attention back to her. “I can sense the wheels turning in your head, Evan. You have a lot of unanswered questions that only your commander can answer for you.” The doctor slides a folder over to me, and I watch as it balances on the edge of her desk. I’m almost afraid to pick it up, afraid of the contents inside. Reaching out, I grab the manila folder and open the jacket. Inside is my obituary, along those for my unit members, and other newspaper articles detailing our mission.
“I don’t understand.”
She sighs, and I can see her moving around through my peripheral vision, but I’m focused on the pages in front of me.
“Here,” she says, handing me a cup of water. It’s not in one of her mugs and for that I’m thankful. I gulp it down in one swig and wish that it were something stronger to numb away my thoughts. She pulls the folder from my free hand and walks back to her chair. I want to reach over and snatch it back from her. I wasn’t done looking at the pieces of newspaper that detail my life’s destruction.
“As I said, Evan, not everything is as cut and dry as they’ve made it out to be. You and your unit were hailed local heroes. You were celebrated and honored. The only thing I can make of it is that someone wanted your unit to disappear. I’m not on the inside, Evan, so I don’t know. I can’t even assure you that it wasn’t your brother, but it wasn’t Ryley. It wasn’t her or the community that turned their backs on you and your unit.”
I have to let her words run their course through my mind and eventually into my heart. What if she’s telling the truth? What if this was an inside job that was meant to eliminate our unit? I know I’m not the only one suffering. McCoy came home to find his wife and child gone and hasn’t been able to locate them. I suppose I’m the lucky one. My girl was coming home with a bag of groceries when I surprised her. At least she never left our house.
“Do you know anyone in the military?”
Doc shakes her head slowly.
“Everything I say here stays here, right? You’re not going to report my session to my CO?”
She leans forward, again piercing me with her eyes. “Evan, everything you say here, in this room or outside with me is protected by doctor-patient confidentiality. Even if I’m subpoenaed, I don’t have to answer their questions. We’re protected in here.”
I nod, fully understanding what she’s saying, but I’m not sure if I can bring myself to tell her what happened or how I don’t know how everything went so wrong. The mission was an easy one. In and out. A piece of cake. We called it a snatch and grab and figured we’d be home by dinner, relatively speaking.
“Evan, do you want to tell me what kept you away from home for so long?”