THE MEMORY OF OUR first date is so vivid that it feels like yesterday. The way Ryley closed her eyes as the spoon touched her lips had me moving closer to her, and I just about lost my nerve when I saw her tongue inch out so slowly to taste the raspberry and chocolate that waited for her. I knew in that moment, that I’d kiss her. I just didn’t expect it to be as earth shattering as it was. For the first time my heart was beating and it was all because of her.
“How did you feel when you enlisted?”
I stretch out my legs in front of me. I glance at the clock and notice I’ve only been here for fifteen minutes. It seems like an hour has passed. My time should be up. I should be standing and walking out, never to see this lady again. Instead, she’s seated across from me with her hands folded neatly on top of her desk. Her posture is relaxed and that’s meant to be comforting. I’m anything but.
Her question takes me by surprise, and it’s something I love talking about. I’m proud to serve my country, always have been. Even in light of what I’ve learned this past week, I’m still serving.
“I was excited. I had looked at various colleges for about a year. I had a few scholarship offers, but I never felt a connection with any of them. My dad wasn’t too thrilled that I had decided to enlist. I think he thought I’d go to college since Nate was heading off to the Navy. I had always been more into sports while Nate was always learning from my dad. I got the impression when I enlisted that he thought I was trying to steal Nate’s thunder.”
“Why do you think that was?”
I lean my head back slightly and close my eyes. Telling my father that I was enlisting in the Navy did not go over well. Nate had broken the news first, and I saw how happy my dad was. I thought for sure he’d accept my decision to enlist as well. Only he didn’t. When I said the word ‘enlist’ he frowned, and when I said ‘Navy’, he downright grimaced. It was only after his passing did I learn that he wanted me to play ball in college and thought I was wasting my talent. That, coupled with the fact that I had chosen the same path as Nate, meant that he was none too happy with me. He wanted something different for me.
“It was Ry’s dad who sold me on the military. They were having a barbeque and he had some buddies there. Her dad was Army, but never favored one branch over the other. He was always very accepting. I sat and listened to their stories and just became mesmerized. One of them hinted that he was a little more than Special Forces. He detailed the history of this unit and everything that they did, and I could see myself jumping out of planes in the middle of a firefight. I could see myself serving the people we were trying to protect. I wanted that thrill, that danger, but I didn’t want to wait. One suggested the Navy and mentioned the SEALs, saying you can go to school after basic. That’s what I wanted.”
I look down at my leg and tap my thumb and forefinger against the crease in my slacks. Everything back then seemed so simple. Sign my name on the dotted line and serve my country. My goal was to make a name for myself, marry Ryley and raise a family.
“Evan?”
I look up at the sound of my name being called. I clear my throat and sit up. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I zoned out.”
“Care to share what you were thinking about?”
I shake my head, my lips pursing. Some of these memories, they’re painful. It makes me miss everything that’s happened in Ryley’s life these past six years. I know it’s not possible to miss something you didn’t have or know about, but I do. I want to be fresh in her memories, and right now I’m nothing but a ghost.
“Your father died in combat, correct?”
My eyes move toward the window – the same window that I know Ryley stood at earlier and watched as I sat on the park bench. Even from a distance, I could see the anguish she was going through because of me. Too many times I stood with the intent of just leaving, anything to ease the pain I’ve caused, but I can’t walk away, not now. Ryley and I didn’t do anything wrong in this f*cked up mess. We deserve a chance.
“Like most, his death was a result of 9/11.” I shake my head lightly. So many deaths and the war will never end. “He was working with some ground troops. They were clearing out a village and one of the soldiers on his first deployment wasn’t watching where he was walking. The IED took out about six of them, my dad included.
“Nate and I were the first to know. He was in Iraq, and I had just landed in Afghanistan. Even though my dad and I were in the same country, we didn’t see each other. At least not the way we thought.” I look down at the floor and focus on the hole in the carpet wondering how long the patch has been bare.
“My dad bled out in the field, his legs were blown away from his body. The medic said he didn’t suffer, but he was alive for a few minutes after the blast. At first I believed the medic, but as I saw my own combat and watched my friends die, I know his ears were ringing and he could hear the yelling even if it was muffled. He knew what was going on as his breathing became labored and he couldn’t feel his legs. I know he fought to move before insurgents could move in on their position. I’ve seen it over and over again. The soldiers who aren’t injured are scrambling to save their comrades all while trying to save themselves.”
I have to get up and walk. Flashes of soldiers down on the ground are images I don’t want to recall right now. I run my hand through my hair and tug at the ends lightly. I sigh heavily and rest my head against the wall. “War is ugly. It destroys families and your faith in humanity. I lost my dad and had to let my sister grow up without a man in the house. Nate and I could’ve taken a discharge, but my mom assured us they were fine.”
I shake my head and move back to the chair, but before sitting down I look at the therapist and take her in. She’s not writing or even watching me, but crying. She sheds tears for a family she doesn’t even know, a man who lost his life serving his country.
She catches me watching her and tries to smile. She pulls a tissue from her the box that sits on top of her desk and dries her eyes. I’m taken by her ability to show emotion with a job like hers. I have to look away because I don’t want to see the pity in her eyes. My family has been through something no one should ever have to experience because of war.
“Are you ready to talk about what happened to you the last time you deployed?”
My eyes study her, sharply. My head moves before I have time to think because no, I don’t want to talk about the decisions that were made that kept me from my family. That kept three of my unit-mates and me in the dense forest for years without communication, surviving only on our skills while trying to find the most elusive man in the world.
“We’ll have to discuss your time there.”
“Not right now,” I demand. “I’ll talk about anything else, but that.”