THE THERAPIST STANDS AND walks over to her window to close the blinds. “Is that better?”
I nod, not realizing the sun was shining on my face until she pulled the string. I attempt to relax, but the truth is I’m on edge. I don’t see how she’s going to fix anything today, tomorrow or even next month.
“The late afternoon sun can be blinding.”
“Why not change around your office?”
Her eyes wander as if she’s considering my suggestion. I know she’s not though. You can tell by the faded carpet my feet rest on that the furniture hasn’t moved probably since the doors opened. If I didn’t know better, I’d say her lifestyle is a lot like mine – stationary and afraid of change. Ryley is the exact opposite. Every time I visited her dorm room, it was different from the last time. Her and her roommate’s beds would be swapped around and there’d be new posters or other decorations hanging on the walls. I once told her that one night I was going to sneak in and end up in the wrong bed. I laughed but she didn’t think it was that funny.
“I’m not a fan of change,” she says, confirming my assumption.
“Yeah, me neither.”
“I find that surprising since you’re in the military.”
I set my arms on the arm rest and lean slightly forward. “Being in the military doesn’t eliminate my aversion to change. When I was growing up, my father was adamant that everything stayed the same. Our couch was always in the same location and was only moved so we could clean underneath it, and even then it was set back down in the same exact location. Not an inch off in either direction. When I came home on leave the first time, I went to throw my bag – like I had done many times – onto the couch only for it to land on the newly purchased coffee table that shattered into pieces. My mom was pissed, but I told her that the couch hadn’t moved in eighteen years so how did I know?”
“A lot has changed for you over the past few years though?”
I sit back and nod. “Not by choice.”
“Surely some of it was by choice. You entered the service under your own free will, did you not?”
“I did. I also chose my field, but I didn’t choose to be gone so long or miss the birth of my son. Those weren’t choices I made. They were done for me. I’m not choosing to sit here, but I’m here for Ryley and I’ll do anything for her.” I have to look away. I don’t want her to see the pain and anger in my eyes. For years, I’ve fought to get back here and each and every time we thought we were close. Each and every time we thought a unit would be waiting for us. They weren’t.
“Do you have trust issues, Evan?”
“Yes and no,” I mumble.
“Care to expand?”
Not really, but I know I have to. “I shouldn’t trust the Navy, but I do. I don’t know what to think and Nate’s on a mission, so it’s not like I can sit down and ask him.” I shrug. “I’m not even sure he’ll tell me the truth. He took my girl when he was supposed to be keeping me alive in her heart. It’s the Navy that has protected me for years, yet kept me away from my life. They kept me alive so I could return home, but part of me wonders why it took so long and how much Nate really knew.”
“Why do you think Nate’s lying?”
The thought of Nate and Ryley together turns my blood cold. I want to kill him. If he was in my unit, he’d be dead for touching something that doesn’t belong to him. I stand abruptly, knocking over the chair, and start to pace. My hands rub roughly over my face, and I let out a growl of frustration.
“Evan?”
I shake my head to let her know I’m not ready. I lean my head against the wall and try to think about anything other than Ry and Nate together, but I can’t. Since I came home, they’re all I see. I want to forget he’s my brother and destroy him, but knowing my mom has lost so much holds me back. He and I will never be brothers again though, that’s for sure. I’ll never be able to forget what he’s done.
“He’s always liked her,” I say quietly.
“How does that make you feel?”
I close my eyes and picture him watching her while she sat on our couch, waiting for me to come home. He was so enthralled with her he didn’t even hear me come in.
“There was this time I walked into the family room. They hadn’t heard me come in so I took a moment to just watch, observe. I stood in the doorway with my eyes on Ryley. She was sitting cross-legged with her book in her lap. She was always doing homework and that benefited me because she’d make sure I did mine too. When we started dating, my grades went up. I didn’t care that she was smarter than me. She was the beauty, and I was the brawn; it made us work. Standing there, watching her, I was jealous of the pen that she held in her mouth while reading her book.
“When I looked to my left, there was Nate sitting in our dad’s chair. He had an open book in his lap, but his eyes weren’t focused on his reading material. They were on Ryley. I knew that look – I got it every time I stared at her – but I didn’t like seeing it on his face.” I shake my head remembering the look on his face when I caught him. “I cleared my throat and he jumped. Only guilty people jump. He knew I had caught him gawking at my girl.”
I turn and face her. She looks poised and ready for whatever I’m about to throw at her. “I never doubted Ryley’s love for me when we were younger. Hell, not even while I was away. I trusted her. That was the one thing I could take with me when I deployed. She loved me, supported me, and I knew she’d be waiting for me when I stepped off that plane to come home. When Nate was home I knew they spent time together, but now I question everything. What were they doing? How long has this been going on? I leave and come back to nothing. My life – the one I was counting on being there waiting for me with open arms – is in the arms of my brother. The one man I was relying on has taken my family away from me. He was supposed to protect what’s mine, not covet it. I never thought in a million years he’d make a move on Ryley.”
I walk over to the water cooler and fill a paper cup. I have to do this repeatedly to quench my thirst. She offered me a mug when I walked in, but I don’t know how well it’s been cleaned. I crush the cup in my hand and toss it in the wastebasket before returning to my chair.
“I feel angry and betrayed,” I say, finally answering her question. “I feel as if my whole life with Ryley has been one big lie, and I’m not sure if I can ever shake that feeling.”
“But you trust her?”
My head moves slowly up and down, as if it’s unsure of my answer. “I do trust her, more than anything, but I can’t wrap my head around why she’d go to Nate.”
“Evan, sometimes love has an odd way of working around pain.”
I lean forward and look her square in the eye. “What about my pain? What about my agony? Who’s going to nurse my heartbreak? How come these thoughts weren’t going through either of their heads when they started betraying me like this? How come he wasn’t scouring the ends of the earth looking for me? Someone knew we were alive out there, and no one came.”
She picks up her pen and scribbles on her notepad. I don’t even care what she’s writing. I just want to be done so I can go drown my sorrows at Magoo’s. At least my favorite bartender is still working, Slick Rick. Thank God some things never change.
“Do you feel like Ryley betrayed you?”
“Yes.” My words sting, but they’re the truth.