“HOW SOON DID YOU and Evan start dating?”
I fold my hands in my lap and think back to those first days of school. “If you were to ask Evan, he’d say it’s the day we first kissed. It’s something we used to argue about all the time, but for me I think it was the first day he told another girl that he had a girlfriend. He had never said that word to me before, and I didn’t want to assume.”
“Why not?”
I shrug. “He had other girlfriends before me, and I thought he just went around kissing girls in ice creams shops. I don’t know. I didn’t want to believe that he had chosen me and I had all these questions.”
“Like what, Ryley?”
“Like, why me? I wasn’t anything special, and I was new. Evan had his pick of any girl in that school and he chose me. It made me wonder a lot and second guess his intentions.”
“I think that’s common among teenagers,” she says. I silently agree with her.
I sit up a bit straighter on the couch and smooth out my dress. “About two or three weeks into the school year, I was walking down the hall to my next class. It was right next to Evan’s locker, so I knew I’d see him. His back was facing me when I walked around the corner, but I could see that he was with a blond. I didn’t know her, but had seen her around campus a few times. I stopped, not intending to eavesdrop, but more to brace myself for what I thought I was going to see.”
The therapist leans forward. Is my story exciting to her?
“What did you see?”
“Nothing,” I say, shaking my head. “It’s what I heard. She was asking him to go to homecoming with her, and he said he was taking his girlfriend. She asked who he was dating because she hadn’t heard and when he said my name… it was like my heart was trying to take over my body. It was beating so hard. I couldn’t catch my breath. I gasped so loudly. I was embarrassed. He turned around with this boyish grin on his face, and I knew he was talking about me.”
“Evan sounds romantic.”
“He was…” I fiddle with the end of my dress before dropping it back in place and folding my hands. “I’m sure, if given the opportunity, he still is. He’s very unassuming.”
“What do you mean by unassuming, Ryley?”
“Evan came off as the dumb jock type to his friends. He was always laughing and goofing off in the halls or after school. He never took anything seriously. If there was a big game or a championship game he was the one cracking jokes all day to ease everyone’s tension. He was the life of the party, except when we were alone.”
“What was he like then?”
A single tear drops. “Sweet, caring and loving. He taught me what it felt like to be loved. To be worshipped. He taught me, well, everything. I was this na?ve girl who had her first kiss in an ice cream shop, but that didn’t seem to bother him. He didn’t see me as a challenge or a conquest. He never made fun of me because of my lack of experience. The way he made me feel… I still felt that way the day he left for his last deployment.”
“When did Evan first leave you?”
“It was the beginning of my junior year in college when he called and said he was leaving. I knew the day was coming, but never thought I’d actually hear him say those words.
“‘Hi, babe.’”
“‘Hi.’”
“‘I have to leave for a little bit.’”
“‘Where?’”
“‘Oh, you know, Ry. I’m going to go protect our country, but don’t worry though. I’ll be back.’”
“The next day, I went to the base and filled out some paperwork. The secretary said I was lucky because most of the single men leave everything to their moms and that he must really love me. I told her I didn’t want the money just him. The one thing I wouldn’t get was his death benefit; that was strictly next of kin, and until we were married that wasn’t me.
“I didn’t even want the life insurance, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. Anyway, we had a week until he left, and I was a mess, but not in front of him. I’d break down in the bathroom or in between classes. It was weird because I didn’t see him every day, but knowing he was an hour away made things a little easier for me. Knowing that I’d see him on the weekends was like my reward for doing well in school.
“So with a deadline looming, I was a wreck. All I could think about is what if he doesn’t come home or what if he comes home and doesn’t want me anymore? So many thoughts were running through my mind, but I couldn’t share them with him. I couldn’t put him under that stress. I needed him to leave with a clear head and with the knowledge that I loved him more than anything.
“I hid a lot of my fears from him for years. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him what I was feeling. I think, sometimes, he thought I knew how to deal with deployment because of my dad, but that was different.”
“What happened the day he left?”
“It was a beautiful day, and I woke up in his arms. He could’ve gotten into trouble, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t the weekend so no visitors were allowed in the barracks, but he was all for breaking the rules that night.”
“‘It’s time for me to go.’”
“‘I know.’”
“His kisses were gentle, not rushed. He was memorizing the way we fit. I started crying against my will. I couldn’t hold my tears back. I didn’t want him to go. I was used to having him on my weekends and now he was going to be gone for who knows how long… a year or longer. I was just so afraid that we wouldn’t be the same when he came back.”
“‘I love you, Ry. I love you so damn much nothing’s going to change that. I’m going to come home to you and get you to walk down the aisle to marry my sorry ass.’”
“‘I love you too, Evan. Please come home to me.’”
“‘I promise.’”
“He promised every time he left, and I believed him.” I wipe away a tear, keeping my eyes on the ground. “I felt fear when he was gone. In the blink of an eye everything changed. Nothing prepares you for them leaving even though you know it’s coming. Phones calls don’t stop until they’re on the plane and you’re left standing there wondering what the hell just happened. Some wives cry hysterically and others – the ones that have done this many times – shed a few tears, round up their children and head back to their homes to start a new routine.
“The wives had each other. I didn’t have anyone. I was going back to school to finish out my year. Evan would miss my summer vacation. We wouldn’t be taking weekend camping trips or going to the beach. I didn’t have Nate, either. He was off doing his own specialized training and that meant I was alone.”
“Did Evan call often?”
I shake my head. “The phone calls were sporadic and sometimes I’d miss them because of class or I’d be asleep from studying. With each missed call, I’d cry for days. I just wanted to hear his voice and hear that he was okay. A voicemail wasn’t enough for me. When we could connect, the calls where short and sometimes hard to hear. I tried not to get angry, but I couldn’t help it. The littlest things were so important and we weren’t getting those.
“I resorted to writing him letters and sending goodie boxes. I’d go to my parents’ on the weekends and make him cookies and buy him necessities. I’d send a box every two weeks, but letters more often. Sometimes the letters were just the words I love you and sometimes it was the essay I had to write for my class. I’d write to him like he was sitting on my bed while I was studying. I sent him pictures of the oddest things, like a random leaf on the ground that fell while I was writing him or something like that. I’d just write so he had words.
“And when letters came in, I didn’t want to read them for fear my tears would wash away his words just like the day he gave me his phone number. I needed to hold onto whatever I could until he came home.”
“Would you say Evan was possessive of you?”
I laugh. “Yes and no. If you think about it, what teenage boy isn’t possessive of what’s theirs? But he wasn’t violent about it. He did assert himself, but others knew we were together.”
“What about other women who were interested in Evan?”
“I had to beat them off with a stick. It was bad. They were everywhere and Nate said it was worse because he had a girlfriend.”
“Evan was popular?”
“Both the twins were, but like I said they were different. Evan was outgoing, the life of the party, and his mother called him a skirt chaser. Nate was more academic and just an overall good guy.”
“How did you feel when you were with Evan?”
“Secure,” I say confidently. Remembering those early days with Evan has helped me keep his memory alive. “Loved. Cherished. I could go on and on.” I stop for a minute and look at the therapist. “I know you’re probably thinking because his mom called him a skirt chaser that he was a cheater or a womanizer, but he wasn’t. Never did I think he was unfaithful to me. He told his dad that once he saw me, no one else existed for him.”
“Don’t you think he was too young to make that declaration?”
I shake my head and look her square in the eyes. “My parents started dating when they were in the seventh grade. They never dated anyone else and entered the service together and are still happily married. I believe you can find your soul mate at any age; it’s the circumstance that brings you together.”
“I commend your parents. It’s unheard of these days. What can you tell me about Evan and Nate’s parents?”
“Um… their dad died a year into the war. The twins enlisted before they graduated and their dad died a year later. It was almost a year to the day from when they signed on the dotted line. They did it because they wanted to follow in their dad’s footsteps and because of the terrorist attacks. They wanted to serve with their dad. The Archers were very closed off about their boys though. Nate told me years ago that their father wanted Evan to go to college, to be something different. Nate had made his declaration of enlisting long before Evan did and when Evan went to the recruiter’s office, they were eager to have both so the recruiter set everything in motion for them to sign on the same day.”
“That’s understandable.”
“It is and it isn’t. Their mom wanted them together, so she was happy. She was always going on about how twins should stick together and that if one was too far, the other would feel the pain. I don’t know, the twins are hard to explain. They can finish each other sentences like an old married couple, but at the same time they can be so distant it’s unnerving. Archie, their dad, always felt that Nate was in Evan’s shadow, and thought this was Nate’s time to shine. Anyway, when their dad died, I thought they’d finish out their two years and come home, but they didn’t. They both had become SEALs and losing their dad only increased their desire to bring down the enemy.”
“How did your parents feel about Evan and you being so close?”
I readjust on the couch, moving to the other side. The cool fabric meets the back of my legs, calming me. “My mom worked a lot more than my dad; he was close to retirement so he was home a lot. After we had ice cream, Evan walked me home and introduced himself to my dad. Evan was raised military so he was very polite when he needed to be, and he charmed my dad big time. But I had rules, and they weren’t meant to be broken. For the first month, Evan could come over, but not into the house if neither of my parents were home, so we’d sit on the front porch and drink iced tea. Only when we’d go for a walk or when we’d go to the park, would he sneak kisses. Evan asked my dad if he could take me on a proper date before he asked me. That’s how I knew he was serious about me.”
“So tell me, do you believe in love at first sight?”
“I do… did. After you’ve been through what I have, I think you start being cynical and acting detached. You start asking yourself if you loved enough or what you could’ve done differently. More importantly, you ask yourself if he knew that you loved him more than anything before he died, because you can’t bear the thought of him questioning your love for him when he’s out there risking his life with bullets flying by his head and his friends lying on the ground with blood coming out of places it shouldn’t. I can’t…”
“Do you want to take a break, Ryley? How about we take five then we can continue. You’re doing great and this isn’t about right or wrong answers, this is about finding you.”
I nod and get up to use the bathroom. Of course, it’s attached to her office so there’s no escaping. I close the door and lock it. I’m afraid to look at my reflection in the mirror. The person staring back is not me. This is not who I am. This is not who I want to be. I never thought in a million years that I’d have to make the decision that I’m making now. My life was planned out, it was perfect. I was going to have my house with a big yard so our dog and son could play happily. I was going to meet Evan at the door every night or at the base when he came home from a mission. Everything was going to be fine.
I splash water on my face and dry my hands before heading back into the room. I look at my watch quickly and surmise that I’ve only been in here for fifteen minutes. It seems like hours, and we’ve only scratched the surface.
I sit back down and cross my legs. I smile softly, letting her know I’m ready.
“Okay let’s try a new topic. You’re engaged now?”
I look down at my ring. In a few short weeks I’m to walk down the aisle with only my family present. Nate’s mom and sister want to have nothing to do with the ceremony. I understand to an extent, but Evan was gone. Am I not allowed to move on? Is Nate not allowed to love me because of who I am?
“That’s why I am here, to see if you can help me sort this mess out, tell me what I should do. Do I marry this man who has been everything to me for the last five years? The man that is the only dad my son – his nephew – knows? Or do I do what is expected, what you see in the movies and go running back into the arms of the man that I love, the man that I was told was dead? That’s why I’m here and why he …” I point to the window where I remember Evan sitting on the other side, waiting for me to make a decision. Everything weighs so heavily on my shoulders. “Evan is out there waiting for me. Waiting for an answer I don’t have. Can you just give me the answer?”
“Life isn’t a movie, Ryley.”
I fight the urge to roll my eyes. “I know it isn’t because if it was, I’d hit rewind and start all over. I’d start by telling Evan…”