NATE STILL ISN’T HOME and each day that passes brings me closer and closer to the brink of panic. I’ve called and left another message, more urgent than before. I don’t know if he’s getting them or not, but it concerns me that whoever’s delivering them isn’t doing so with the intent of an emergency. I want Nate to hear it from me that Evan is alive even though I wouldn’t be surprised if someone in his company has already informed him.
And if that’s the case, why isn’t he home? Why isn’t he here dealing with everything that I am? I know that once he’s here, things will go from relatively calm to utter chaos. My life is slowly becoming a bad segment on a talk show. Two brothers, as close as any brothers could be, will battle it out over me and my son. Lines are already drawn in the sand so to speak, and EJ and I are standing smack dab in the middle. It’s not going to matter which side I step to; the Archer twins will never be the same. I could choose neither, but I know deep down that Evan will never accept that. And neither will Nate. They both love me, each in their own way. I feel like I’m on a cracked out version of The Bachelorette.
Evan has been staying here since the day we finished our first therapy session. That was over a week ago. I didn’t have it in me to send him back to the base, especially since this is his house and he’s trying to get to know EJ. I’m not gonna lie, having him here has been hard. I’ve had to sit on my hands one too many times to keep myself from touching him. Every hand hold, every kiss, every moment we’ve shared has been initiated by him. I have no doubt he’s questioning my love for him, but I can’t bring myself to disgrace Nate that way. I know I should tell Evan to knock it off, but I can’t. I love him. I have since I was seventeen and having him here, in the flesh, is a constant reminder of what I’ve been missing.
The moment I saw him walking toward me when he first got back, the hole in my heart started to fill up again. That was the pain I was feeling that day, along with the fear that I was only imagining him standing before me. I was afraid this was all a cruel joke and that he was going to disappear the very second I touched him. It’s why I couldn’t accept that he was real, that he was back from the dead. No one would ever be that callous. But they were. Someone sat by and watched my, and others’, world crumble without a second thought. Now they’re sitting back and watching us try and rebuild the lives that have been destroyed.
Evan places his hand on my shoulder and the automatic reflex of my head resting on top of his happens. I close my eyes and feel the warmth radiating off of him. As soon as he pulls away, my eyes are open, and I’m watching our son drive around the backyard in the toy Jeep Evan bought for him. I told Evan he can’t buy his love, and he assured me he’s not. He’s just trying to make up for missed birthdays.
When Evan walks in front of me, I gasp and quickly cover my mouth. He sits next me and pulls my hand away from my mouth to hold it.
“What’s wrong, babe?”
He knows what’s wrong, but is going to make me say it anyway. “It’s the NWU’s. I didn’t think… I don’t know what I thought.”
“I’m still enlisted, Ryley.”
I nod, knowing this, but I didn’t think I’d see him wearing NWU’s any time soon. “I know, Evan. I’m just a little taken by the sight, that’s all.” I try to recover, but the wavering is there. If I had my way, he’d retire, but I know he has to be on active duty if he wants to find out what happened to him and the guys.
“I told you, I don’t think they’ll send me anywhere. Our unit is too much of a risk right now. Did I tell you that Frannie is going to the paper?” I shake my head. “She says this mission was a cover up for something big and people need to pay. She plans to take it all the way to Capitol Hill to get answers.”
“Do you think she will?” I look at Evan and he looks hopeful. Answers won’t change our situation, but they might give us some closure.
“I’m trying to remain optimistic.”
I smile at him before turning my attention back to EJ. We have our first joint counseling session today and we’re just waiting for my dad to get here. I was hesitant to even go to therapy, but have to admit, she made me think about a lot of things in my life. One thing that’s giving me a lot of pause is my upcoming nuptials to Nate. Honestly, I’m not sure getting married to him, or anyone at this point, is the right thing to do. I need to find myself and get over my anger of having lost six years with Evan.
“Hey, you still with me?” he shakes my hand, bringing me out of my funk.
“Yes,” I say, stretching my legs out in front of me to get my blood flowing.
“Your dad’s here, we should go.” Evan stands, pulling me up by my hand that he won’t let go of. I’m thankful EJ doesn’t ask me why we’re always holding hands because honestly I won’t be able to give him an answer. I kiss my dad on the cheek as we pass and continue to allow Evan to guide me to the car. It’s my car, yet he’s driving. I guess some things never change.
Evan and I climb the stairs to the therapist’s office, hand in hand. I’m starting to think he’s glued to me. I’m not complaining, but think this might be awkward for the doctor. Not that Evan will care. As soon as we’re in the waiting room, the receptionist directs us into the same room where I fell apart, emotionally and physically.
We step in and I’m instantly hit with the sun shining through the window, bouncing off the pale yellow walls and making the artwork shine. I look around confused and wonder if we’re in the same room as before.
“What’s going on in your head? Evan asks.
I shrug. “This room looks different,” I say as I take a seat in one of the two chairs in front of her desk. As I look around, I notice fresh flowers by the window and picture frames containing the doctor’s various degrees. On her desk, the nameplate reads Helen Howard. It’s odd how I didn’t notice this before.
“I was thinking the same thing. This room was gloomy and this chair hurt my back. Hell, I didn’t even know she had a name.” he mumbles right as Dr. Howard walks in. She smiles as soon as she sees our joined hands, and I know she’s getting the wrong impression.
“It’s good to see you both again. I take it things are going well?”
Evan nods, while I shake my head. And there it is, our first disagreement. Her face falls and her eyes look again at our hands.
“We’re not together, if that’s what you’re implying,” I inform her.
“Not yet, it’s only a matter time.” I roll my eyes at his confidence.
Dr. Howard folds her hands and rests them on her desk. “Shall we get started?”
We both nod and I cross my legs, directing my foot toward Evan so I can kick when I need to.
“Who wants to start?”
“I do,” Evan answers her before I have a chance to. He adjusts slightly in his seat. “I don’t know what you said to Ryley in her session, but I want to thank you. If I could kiss you without harassment charges being filed, I would do so. That night,” he takes a deep breath. “I met my son and had dinner with Ryley, EJ and her parents. It was literally the best night of my life, and I’m hoping to have with more nights with them. But, Ryley is upset with what I’m wearing, and I don’t know how to help her be comfortable with my job without damaging what we’re trying to rebuild.”
Dr. Howard looks from Evan to me after she makes her obligated notes.
“Ryley, do you want to talk about that fear with Evan?”
“Sure.” I’m not sure what I can say to alleviate the fear that is bubbling in my stomach. What if we’re back together and he has to leave again? I’m not sure I could handle it. I couldn’t when I was seventeen, and barely could when he left six years ago. Over time, I learned to accept and move forward, but now… I’m not so sure I’d be able to.
“I’m scared,” I say. “When he walked outside dressed like this, I was suddenly in high school again and he was leaving.” I shake my head and reach for a tissue.
“She tried to break-up with me,” Evan adds lightly. There’s nothing light about him leaving, ever.
“How did you feel, Ryley, when Evan told you he enlisted in the Navy?”
I take a deep breath and squeeze his hand. “Lost, confused. Proud. I honestly didn’t know what to expect. I knew this was Nate’s plan long before I came into the picture, but Evan and I never really discussed his future. I was losing my best friends at the same time and my only saving grace was that I’d have Lois.”
“Did you and Evan break-up before he went to basic?”
I half choke and laugh, remembering how he wouldn’t allow me to. “No,” I shake my head and look over at Evan. He has a smile plastered all over his face because he knows how well this moment in our lives ended. “I thought we’d break up, ya know? I mean he was going off to work and didn’t need some needy teenager pining away for him. I didn’t want to be that girlfriend, so I broke up with him. I remember the night perfectly. It was one week before he was set to leave. We went to the park and I just blurted it out. ‘I think we should break-up.’”
“I asked her if she was nuts,” Evan adds for good measure. He leans over and kisses me on the cheek. “I love you, babe,” he whispers sending chills down my arms.
I take a calming breath and continue. “I didn’t want him to feel obligated.”
“Did you, Evan?” Dr. Howard asks with her pen poised for more notes.
“Never. I didn’t see Ryley as an obligation or anything like that. I saw her as my future and still do. I told her that I loved her more than anything and wanted the whole world to know. I told her that at basic I was going to need to know that my girl was going to be on the other end of the line when I got a chance to call. I needed to know that when she read my letters she felt the same way. I wanted her there when I graduated, but only if she wanted to be.”
“I did,” I say, chocking on a sob. “I wanted all that too, and we had it.”
“The day he left, Ryley, how did you feel?”
God, what’s with the hard, emotional questions already? Can’t we ease into things? Again, I’m sitting here and don’t want to answer anything. Even with Evan sitting next to me, I’d rather just talk to him and not give her an intrusive insight into our lives.
“I was a wreck. I still wasn’t sure that staying together was the right thing for him, and when it was time for me to meet him at his house so I could go with him, I stayed at home. I sat on my bed and cried. He burst through my door and scooped me up in his arms. He was crying, and I knew I had made a mistake.”
Evan clears his throat and I glance at him. My heart aches for the pain I’m causing again. He holds unshed tears in his eyes all because of me. “I asked if she was having second thoughts and that if she was, to not tell me until I came home. I wouldn’t be able to handle basic knowing that I lost her.”
“What’d you end up doing, Ryley?”
“I went. I cried. I held on until it was time for him to go and waved like a lunatic when the bus pulled away.” I clear my throat. “That night, Lois came over and we watched movies and ate ice cream. She said we were treating my aching heart like a bad test grade. Lois reminded me that Evan was returning home, and when he did he’d be a full-fledged sailor with a uniform.” I laugh now, but back then all I could think about was Evan’s uniform and how the thought of him in one made my heart race.
Still does.