Wreck Me

I pick up my cell phone and dial Grams while absentmindedly watching Hemingway scarf down his puppy chow.

“Hello?”

“Hey Grams, It’s Jo.”

“Hey! I’m glad you called. I’m sorry about that son of mine. I swear he enjoys embarrassing me as a mother.” I click my tongue at her apology.

“He is a grown ass man, Grams. Let him act stupid if he wants. That’s not on you. Hey I was wondering if you had a minute to chat?”

“Sure. Anything for my supplier.” I hear the old woman chuckle and it distracts me from my task for a moment.

“So, I was wondering about Damon’s mother. What’s the story? Like, the whooole story.” She sighs knowingly and I can tell she is going to give up the goods.

“Well, I guess you’ll find out sooner or later. Damon’s mother was young. Very young. Edward was already married and had a baby on the way with my now ex-daughter in law. Well, from what I know, Eddie was fooling around with this young girl and got her pregnant. With Damon. Her name was Beverly. I don’t remember the last name, but I do remember her first name was Beverly. Anyhow, Eddie was awful to her and once Damon was born she showed up to my house with a tiny baby boy wrapped in a blue blanket. Said his name was Damon Cole and he was all ours to raise. Said she was too poor and young and couldn’t stand the sight of him. Now, I’ve never told Damon that part so keep that to yourself. It doesn’t surprise me though. I heard the way he spoke to her on the phone once. Eddie is a shameless man. I wasn’t going to let him treat my grandson that way so I made him do the right thing and raise his son. My daughter-in-law divorced him soon as she found out about it all. She left with my granddaughter and she wouldn’t have anything to do with Eddie after that. I can’t blame her.” My mouth hangs wide open and I hear Grams let out a long sad sigh. My poor, poor Damon.

“I can’t believe…I’m so shocked. No wonder you sent him to see Dr. Versan when he was a teenager. He must have been dealing with a lot. With a drunk for a dad and his mom leaving him like that.” She lets out another sigh.

“Well actually that’s a whole other tragic story. He started seeing Versan after the accident.” Accident? What accident? He has never talked about any accident. He knows about my accident, but has never once talked about himself being involved in one.

“So why exactly did he need Versan after the accident?” Please keep talking. Please keep talking. I can hear her take in a deep breath and I know she is hesitant to say anymore.

“Honey you have to understand. He was only seventeen when that horrible thing happened and he couldn’t quite handle it.”

“Handle what?”

“He and Eddie were arguing and they crashed head on into a family.” My heart seizes in my chest and all at once familiarity berates me like a shotgun blast.

“When did this happen?” My eyes lock onto a spot on the floor and I can’t tear them away. My focus is completely consumed with Grams story.

“Back in June of 96 I believe. The mother and father were killed. There was a little girl that Damon pulled out of the car, but we never knew what happened to her. I think she made it, but when we search for information about her we were held up at every turn. Red tape with the foster system and all. Damon never got over it. He said the little girl broke his heart. She was screaming for her parents and covered in blood. He said he knew they had passed, but just held the girl to him and carried her away from it. Don’t you understand? He blames himself for the accident. For killing those poor people.” My eyes bulge and my heart squeezes.

“I have to go.” I hang up before she can respond. My eyes stare off into space while I try to focus on breathing. He killed my parents. The man I am in love with killed my parents. He took Maman and Papa from me. My entire f*cking life has been hell because of him. I hate him. I hate him almost as much as I love him and being split like this is a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Do something. Anything. I snap out of my trance and look down at Hemingway. I scoop him up and jog upstairs to the bedroom. I set him on the bed and hurry into the closet. I grab a box and begin packing. I can’t stay here. I can’t be with him. The moment I think of it my heart breaks into a million pieces in my chest. I bend down and gather a heap of my clothes into my arms and throw them back into the moving box they came from. I toss things in haphazardly then head to the bathroom to do the same thing there. I gather up all of Hemingway’s shit and pack it in a hurry. One by one I carry the boxes down to the big gray sedan I inherited from Captain. I can’t believe I’m leaving. I don’t want to leave. But, I have to leave. He killed my parents for God’s sake. He knew who the f*ck I was! He had to have known. The thought of him knowing and keeping it hidden has my blood boiling. I do one more pass through the penthouse to see if I missed anything important. I search for my mother’s watch but it’s nowhere to be found. Dammit! I load my puppy into his carrier and leave.

I arrive at Sutton’s house and hesitate as I turn the lock and walk in. There’s still plastic wrappers on the floor from the sterilized medical supplies that the paramedics used on him. I set Hemingway’s carrier down and collapse in a heap on the floor. I sob and sob. For the loss of my parents. For losing Sutton. For falling in love with a man who my absolute missing half and for forfeiting him to circumstance. I pound my fist hard on the floor sending sharp pain radiating through my arm.

I have to go see him. I have to try to explain why I can’t be with him anymore and I need answers. I need to know if everything was a big lie. If what we have is a lie.

“Please, not Damon. Not him,” I cry out to no one. Tears course down my heated face. My eyes swell and burn, but it’s nothing compared to the utter torture that I am feeling inside. I have betrayed the memory of my parents by falling in love with the person who caused their death. I could never forgive myself. I ache for Damon too. When he discovers what I know and that I’ve left he is going to lose it. I don’t want to hurt him like his mother hurt him. I love him too much to ever cause him pain.

“Dammit!”

I pull into parking and step out. When I enter the high rise I look to Howard and hear him talking on the phone at his desk.

“She just walked in now, boss.” I don’t even acknowledge him as I walk right past to the elevators. I rub my miserable eyes and take a deep breath. The doors ding and slide open.

“Here we go,” I mumble to myself as I step out into the main foyer. I punch in the code and open the door. I walk into the room on unsteady legs. My hands are shaking uncontrollably. I can feel my lip quivering and I don’t bother trying to hide my emotion. I let it flow uninhibited by my normal self control.

“You knew.” Damon’s gaze snaps to me and without saying a word I know that I’m right. The sorrow and regret I see in his eyes crashes down on me like the heaviest of burdens.

“No. No.” I’m shaking my head begging for words of denial from him, but he says nothing. He stands and starts towards me, but I reflexively begin backing away as he advances.

“No. Not you, Damon.” My voice cracks through my quiet sobs.

“Josephine. Baby, listen to me.”

“NO! Don’t you f*cking call me that!” He stops in his tracks and runs his hands through his dark mussed up hair. Part of me wants to wrap my arms around the man that I love so completely, but the wounded part of me wants nothing more than to make him hurt like I have hurt for sixteen long, miserable years. We stare at each other for a moment. What the f*ck am I suppose to do with this? I fell in love with the man who killed my family. He let me fall for him. He knew who the hell I was and he never said a word. He swept me off my feet. He made me want him. Then he made me need him and now I can’t imagine my life without him. I love him more than my next breath. I need him more than my next breath.


“Jo. I wanted to tell you. I tried to tell you. Dammit, you have to believe me, baby.”

“How long? How long have you known?” My voice is a small whisper but menacing at the same time. Damon’s amber eyes are no longer warm and inviting. They look tormented and empty as they shift all about. His chest deflates and I am torn between gathering him into my arms and attacking him.

“When you gave me your e-mail address at the coffee shop. I thought I recognized the name. I checked to be sure. Then the watch. I remembered seeing it on your mom’s wrist when I checked her pulse. I found the scar on your leg and confirmed it. I knew it was you.”

That’s why he was all weird about my scar? He knew it was from the accident. He verified my identity while we were intimate for the first time? “You son of a bitch. You saw the scar and the watch that proved who I am and you still f*cked me? Or maybe that’s why you f*cked me. In reality it’s probably the only reason I’m here right now. Right? Trying to make it right? Trying to shower me with your money and your gifts so that you can call it even? So that causing the death of my parents won’t feel as shitty? I’m a f*cking charity case. That’s what this is. You don’t love me, you are trying to settle the score. You have no f*cking shame and I can’t stand the sight of you.” I knew my words had to hurt him because they tore through me as I said them. I don’t want to believe a single word. I don’t believe that he doesn’t love me. I can’t. But, my judgment is distorted. This is so f*cked up. It’s more awful than my worse night mare.

“Please let us try to figure this out. You’re my everything. You’re my world. I need you.” He starts moving toward me again and I put my hand out halting him in his tracks.

“Yeah, well I don’t need or want you. I hate you, Damon.” I lied. God, how I lied. I need and want him more than I can express. Words fail me in the worst way when I try to think of ways to describe how much I love him.

I turn in place and will my numb body to carry me away from this place as fast as it can allow. By some miracle I find myself speed-walking back to the door. I know Damon is hot on my trail. I can feel him near me like I always do. His fingers clasp the crook of my elbow and spin me to face him. I wrench myself from his grip.

“Don’t touch me!” I clip out on a growl. Damon’s face is one of complete despair and I ache more at the sight of it. I can’t believe God would be so unfair. Why in the world would I be put through this? It isn’t fair. I have lost everything. I love a man that I can’t possibly allow myself to have. He is the reason my life has been so awful. He knew the truth and hid it from me. He sinks to his knees in front of me and my heart clenches in my chest so hard that I think I may be having a heart attack. His head is hanging down. He stares at the ground. I stand there wishing that I could change everything. I wish I could be his and he mine. But it just isn’t possible. I hate life for doing this to me.

“Please. Let me explain.” He mumbles and I can see tears dropping from his eyes onto the tiled floor. He can’t even look at me. My lip quivers and I’m dying a thousand deaths watching the scene of my strong man kneel in defeat.

“I can’t.” I force out the words and hate that I even said them. But what other option do I have? Anything I feel for him pales in comparison to the grief that I will always feel for the loss of my parents and the years of hell that my loss precipitated. I turn to leave and I know I am killing both of us, but I can’t look at the man who took my parents from me at only nine years old. I slam his front door with such force even I startle. Even through the heavy door and walls I can hear Damon coming undone at the seams. I ignore the animalistic yelling and crashing noises and all but run to Sutton’s car. Dammit! I don’t want to leave him like that. The idea of him hurting sends my heart into a fit. I have no choice. I have to get out of here and sort my head out before I do anything else.





My phone rang off the hook until I turned it off completely. He pounded on my door until that snobby neighbor called the damned police to have him removed. I haven’t checked my email. I haven’t gone anywhere. I haven’t done…anything. Nothing. I have been lucky to even exist right here on Sutton’s old sofa. Four days. That’s how long it’s been since I last saw Damon. Four days since my entire world fell apart. I wonder if this shit will ever feel any better. The way it feels now, I highly doubt it. A banging on the door gets Hemingway yipping in his tiny barking fashion and I groan like a dying animal. I feel like a dying animal.

“Goooo awaaaaaaaay!” The banging gets louder.

“Girl you better open this door!” GRAMS! Oh shit, Grams! She’ll have a heart attack in this heat. I roll off the couch and crawl on fours for a beat before finally righting myself and swinging the door open with such a rush that a hot gust of air travels in with it. Grams takes one look at me and nearly chokes from what I can see.

“You look like shit! I mean real shit! A big steaming pil-”

“I get it! Come in Grams.” She smiles politely and looks over her shoulder to a waiting car and holds up a shaky finger. She shuffles in with her walker. Tennis balls and all.

“I came to set you right young lady!” Set me right? What the f*ck? I screw my face all up and she wrinkles her nose at me. I guess it’s not my best look.

“Me?”

“Yep! You!” She says sternly.

“As much as it pains me I have to set you straight.” It pains her? Awesome. I guess she doesn’t like me as much as I like her.

“I love you to pieces. I hope that once you hear what I have to say you’ll go find Damon and you two will kiss and makeup.”

“What do you mean go find him?” Where the hell is he? My heart speeds and I panic a bit. The thought of never seeing him again is one that has me frantic.

“I’ll get to that in a minute. One thing at a time.” I nod and do my best to appear calm and attentive.

“So, he had two letters delivered to me today. One was for me and one was for you. In my letter he said he knew you would come see me at some point and he wanted me to give it to you. But first and foremost you have to know that Damon wasn’t driving.”

“What?” I screech. She shakes her head from side to side.

“He was not driving. My drunk, lousy, no good son was. He made Damon tell the police that it was him who wrecked the car because he was a minor and mostly, he wasn’t drunk. He has always blamed himself because he couldn’t get Eddie to pullover and let him drive.” Oh no. I lean forward clutch my aching stomach. I feel like I may be ill. He didn’t do it. It’s not his fault.

“How could he think…How… It’s not his fault.” I cross the room and sit beside Grams. She puts my shaking hand in hers and lets me sob for a moment.

“I have to see him. I have to talk to him!” I begin looking around for car keys then she thrusts out an envelope to me.

“He isn’t answering and no one knows where he is. Open your letter maybe he has told you where he went.” I snatch the envelope from her hand and rip it open.

My Josephine,

I should have been smarter that day, I should have been braver. I should have stopped him at all costs. If I had, maybe none of this ever would have happened. You never would have been hurt. We could have met and spent our lives together. You must know that I have spent countless days thinking of how I could have changed the outcome of that summer day so long ago. Had I known how things would turn out, I would have done anything to spare you and your family from the tragedy for which I hold myself responsible. He wrecked more than cars that day. He wrecked your life and mine in the process. And, I was the only one who could have stopped it all. I would take their place if I could. I would do anything that would bring you happiness. I will make sure that I am but a memory to you. You won’t have to endure the pain of seeing me again. The anguish I saw in your eyes four days ago was far more than I could ever bare. I can only hope that perhaps one day you will be able to look back on us and smile while recalling the passion we shared. Those are memories that torment and comfort me, all at the same time. When you were mine, you made everything better. You made my life better. You made me better. You have been my medicine. You made the hurt disappear. My past is one that I can never escape. I know this now. Please know that I would do anything, I would give anything to make things right. I want to thank you for giving me the greatest gift I have ever known. For what seems like a fleeting moment, I lived in the bliss of your affection. To never know that bliss again is an agony that I cannot endure. My heart is forever yours, Josephine. I love you.


-Damon

PS. You get it all.

My eyes bulge and water. What does he mean he won’t see me again? What does he mean I get it all? Get all of what? My heart pounds so hard in my chest I can barely breathe. Grams pulls the letter from my hand and reads it. I jump from my seat and start searching for shoes. I grab the nearest pair of sandals and strip down right there in the living room in front of her. I pull a clean shirt over my head and shorts up my legs. Where would he be? I have no clue where to even start.

“The accident,” she mutters while staring down at the letter.

“What?” Her silver haired head lifts to me and I see tears swimming in her eyes.

“The scene of that accident. He use to go there and park along the shoulder to sit. He’d sit there for hours until I would come find him. You have to go get him.” Without hesitation I grab keys from the coffee table and run out the door. I jump from the top step to the bottom and nearly bust my ass on the walkway. I scurry to Sutton’s car and start the beast up. I know where the scene is. I have been there a thousand times too. I used to go sit there and be miserable thinking about Maman and Papa. And the boy who pulled me from that car. I thought of Damon all these years. He has been in my head for so many years. I never forgot the big boy who kept saying how sorry he was and that he would make sure I was okay. He did too. He made sure I was more than okay. He found me again that day in the book store and it’s like everything changed in an instant. I have to find him. I have to tell him that it’s not his fault. I have to tell him how much I love him.

I speed and drive carelessly to the outskirts of town. When I turn onto the familiar narrow road my heart aches in my chest. A terrible knot forms in my stomach. Something is wrong. Something is wrong. I know it. I can feel it like I felt when Sutton died. My foot bares down on the gas and the car surges forward even faster. I haul ass down the road until I see tail lights come into focus. I lean forward in my seat and squint.

“The truck!” I drive up behind the truck and come screeching to a halt, kicking up dust in the process. I throw the car in park and jump out. I can’t see him sitting in there. There’s no one in the f*cking truck! Where could he be? I run up to the truck and climb up on the running board to peek in.

“Damon!” I gasp and jump down. I jerk the door open and the scent of alcohol smacks me in the face.

“Damon! Baby, wake up!” I climb into the truck and use every ounce of strength I have to lift him from his position laying across the seat. I manage to get him upright and then realize that the best news just turned into the worst. In his lifeless hand is a prescription bottle.

“Oh shit! Oh shit! What did you do?” I scream out. I jump from the truck and run back to the car.

“Come on. Come on. Come on.” I find my phone and call for help. I don’t even wait for the dispatcher to say anything.

“Please help! We are on Scenic Loop! There’s been an accident. Send an ambulance!” I run back to the truck and jump in.

“Oh please baby wake up!” I slap his face a few times, but he doesn’t respond. I thrust out two fingers and hold them to his neck, then to his wrist.

“No. No. No. Damon!” I lay his heavy, limp body across my lap and rock back and forth.

“Please no! Not you. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. I love you! Please, Damon!” He doesn’t respond and I fear that he is really gone. This is my fault. The blame and guilt is immediate and crushing. This must be how he has felt for years. My poor Damon! My lip quivers as tears poor from my eyes.

I hear the ambulance arrive and doors slamming.

“Ma’am, we need you to move now.” I slip from under him and his unresponsive body lay in the seat. A police officer grabs me up and drags me back.

“Damon! Please! Wake up!” I watch helplessly as they pull his body from his truck and lay him on a stretcher. One paramedic straddles his body and starts resuscitation efforts. The other two paramedics haul the gurney into the back of the ambulance with the one paramedic still working on Damon.

I met him right in this very spot under horrible circumstances so many years ago and now, I may have lost him in this same spot. I can’t lose him. I would never survive a life without Damon. I fall to my knees and the pain of the pavement beneath them is isn’t even a blip on the radar compared to the ache in my chest. I watch the flashing lights of the ambulance fade into the distance. I remain staring, paralyzed with shock and fear. I can’t lose him. I’ve only just found him.