What If

Tears came to me that night after a year of not being able to cry. I cried for the lost time. I cried for a life I’d never have with my best friend. I cried because that’s all I could do.



It just so happened that it was Spring Break when the break up with Kai occurred and all of the emotions I’d kept buried deep inside came to a head. I turned my phone off after the tenth phone call from Arrow and the fifth call from Darcy. Getting out of bed was a chore, holding a conversation with the both of them would’ve been impossible. Seeing his name light up every ten minutes was making my stomach ache and my mouth sour.

It wasn’t healthy how I became an invalid because of a guy. The truth is, I never thought I’d become that girl, that girl who falls in love in high school. I especially never imagined I’d become that girl who falls for a guy she can’t have.

He came to my house that afternoon, worried sick. My parents weren’t home, luckily. They were never big fans of my friendship with Arrow. They thought he was nothing but trouble and would get me into “some bad shit.” What they didn’t understand was the fact that Arrow would never let me take part in anything that could somehow cause me harm. He was protective in that way. He was a heavy smoker, but he refused to light up in front of me. It didn’t matter that I told him it was okay, that I wouldn’t be mad. He didn’t want me around the smoke.

The knock came at the door around three in the afternoon on a Saturday. My parents were at my grandma’s house, and I was free to wallow in my bedroom under my covers.

I got out of bed when the doorbell began ringing in an incessant rhythm throughout the house. I had on a pair of those really short cheerleading shorts that all the girls wore and a red t-shirt that I’d decorated for a pep rally last year. My hair was in a wild knot, piled at the top of my head. Wisps of dark blonde framed my cheeks. Tear streaks were dry and crusty on my face.

I cracked the door open and peered out the small space.

Arrow stood there in his loose jeans and comfortable, black shirt looking like he was contemplating breaking down my door.

His eyes darted upward when the door opened, and his mouth parted as he took in my swollen, red eyes.

“Jesus,” he commented and pushed his way into the living room. His hands wiped at my cheeks and eyes like he could get rid of all the tears I’d cried in the past night and day.

“I look that bad, huh?” I tried to joke.

He didn’t laugh. “What the hell happened, Briar?”

“Kai and I broke up.” I couldn’t tell him the real reason I was wrecked.

“Shit, Briar. Why didn’t you answer the phone and tell me? I would’ve come over when it happened.” Arrow shook his head. His brown hair, longer than usual, shook with the movement. His thumbs dipped into the front pockets of his jeans as he mulled over what to say next. Then his whiskey eyes lifted and met mine. “Let’s go on a drive.” His front teeth showed from the small smirk he gave me.

Arrow knew what I needed, somehow. He didn’t know the real reasons behind my heart break, but he knew that being in the passenger seat of his truck while he doubled the speed limit would help put me back together again.

The only answer I could give was a small, but real, grin.

“Let me put some jeans on and wash my face…” I turned and walked towards my bedroom. “I should probably brush my teeth too,” I said over my shoulder.

Arrow chuckled. “I wasn’t going to say anything,” he teased.

I ignored his laughter and shimmied into a pair of jeans lying on the ground in my bathroom and then quickly freshened up. I brushed my hair out and put it back in a messy bun. Now it at least looked less slept on and more intentional. I debated on makeup and decided against it. I did, however, take a few extra minutes to gargle after brushing my teeth.

“Let’s go,” I said as I walked into the hallway and out to the living room. Arrow already had the front door open and smiled over at me like he read my mind.



We both had our windows rolled down. I had my right arm hanging out of the window; the speed of the air rushing by me made the skin on my hand move in waves.

The only sound was the whistling of the air coming through the doors and the rev of the engine every time he pressed his foot down on the gas pedal. The radio was turned off and neither of us had said a word since we left my house thirty minutes ago.

Arrow didn’t slow down when we reached a dirt road. His truck could handle the extra bumps and crevices in the ground; he knew how to handle his car. He also didn’t slow down when I felt his glance on the side of my face. I didn’t chance a look at him though, in fear that tears would prickle in my eyes again. It was becoming more difficult to not tell him how I felt. Especially now that we were alone.

His right hand left the steering wheel and wrapped around my left knee. I still kept my eyes on the road in front of us. The trees were starting to bloom with flowers ranging from pink to white and the smell in the air was a sweet, springtime aroma. His fingers tightened around my leg, and he tugged me, causing me to slide over in the bench seat and closer to his side.

“You want to talk about it?” he asked. His hand still rested on my jean-clad lower thigh. I gulped down the flowery air and angled myself so that I could see Arrow’s face. His jaw was tense, causing his jawbone to protrude just below his ear. His eyelashes were long and curled upward towards the ceiling of the truck.

“There’s not much to say,” I conceded.

Arrow jerked the car to the right causing me to jump in my seat from the unexpected switch in direction. He slowed down and then threw the truck into park. My hands were at my chest trying to calm my heart down.

“Was that necessary?” I asked through tense breaths.

“Are you going to talk to me about what’s going on? Or are you just going to keep pushing me away?” One of his thick eyebrows rose high on his forehead. His chest hollowed when he let out a breath. “You were a mess when I came over today. You’re upset, and I want to talk about it.”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Arrow. It’s not that big of deal, okay? Let it go.” I shifted uncomfortably with where this conversation was heading. He knew me better than most people did. He knew something was wrong, but the problem was he thought I was drastically upset over Kai. I wasn’t.

Arrow’s eyes closed as his face morphed into a canvas of pained features.

“Listen, I know we never talked about how far you and Kai’s relationship went. But, guys talk and Kai told me when you two had sex the first time. I mean, he wasn’t being a dick and bragging about it. We were just having a conversation, you know?” I cringed visibly but didn’t comment. “Anyway, I know he was your first, Briar.” Arrow’s hand covered mine on the area of the seat between us. “I still remember the first time we met. You remember that night?” he asked. I nodded; sometimes I wondered if I was the only one of us that remembered how things were with us that night. “That was one of things we talked about that night. You said you were a virgin. You said you were going to wait until you really loved somebody. I still remember that, Briar, because I remember the look in your eyes when you said it. You meant it. But, Christ, Briar, I know you weren’t in love with Kai.”