What If

Time went by and we were into our sophomore year of high school. We still spent most weekends together and we’d often go over to Darcy’s house.

Her mom was a single mother and let us get away with more than my or Kai’s parents would. Arrow’s parents argued more often than not, we didn’t spend very many nights at that home either. But when we were at Darcy’s we’d all act completely nuts - playing stupid games, telling raunchy stories, drinking…

It was one of those drinking nights; Darcy’s mom was out. Arrow and Darcy were probably in her room making out or having sex, Kai and I were making out in the living room. We hadn’t gone any further because, honestly, it didn’t feel right. I still thought of Arrow in ways I shouldn’t. Impossible. It felt impossible to move on from Arrow when he was around me all of the time. The way he cracked jokes, teased and smiled at me. Not even Kai made me feel what Arrow did. He was still the only guy that made my heart accelerate and then could make it slow down to a steady slow beat when he held me close in a hug.

Kai and I had just sat up for a breather. We were getting pretty touchy with one another and I pushed him away before it went even further. I gave a weak excuse about needing to use the restroom and jumped up from the couch like my ass was lit up by firecrackers and sped to the hallway where the one and only bathroom waited.

The door was closed though, the light on, and I could hear the sink running. I worried that someone was getting sick so I knocked lightly on the door and whispered something similar to, “are you okay.” No one answered. I cracked open the door and peeked inside, finding Arrow bent over the sink, his face dripping with water from him splashing it against his skin, his palms were covering his eyes. I slid in the narrow opening of the door quietly and closed it behind me, closing Arrow and me into the small room.

“Hey,” I muttered to his broad back that had grown insanely in the last year. I put my hands on his shoulders and squeezed. “Do you need me to grab you a glass of water?” I asked.

His back bent towards me when he took in a breath and let it out. Then his left hand made its way to his back where he grabbed hold of my hand and held onto me tightly.

“No, I don’t need water.” His voice was a whisper but still a deep baritone. After a few more body clenching breaths, he turned around. He still held my hand in his. He leaned heavily against the porcelain sink. The button on his jeans was undone and his white t-shirt had wrinkles in it. My head swam with desire. I had to, nearly physically, force my gaze to stay on his face. The way his shirt stretched against his powerful pectorals made it virtually impossible.

It wasn’t my willpower that finally made me look up at his face; it was Arrow’s actions. His left hand let go of its grasp on my right and came up to my cheek. His right hand took its place on my left cheek. I looked up at him, expecting to meet his glance. However, his eyes were on my lips. His left pointer finger moved in slow motion over to my parted lips and traced each lip, just barely touching.

“They’re swollen,” he said quietly. I was still focused on the fact that he was touching me so intimately that I didn’t understand his meaning.

“I’m sorry, what?” I stuttered out.

“Your lips. They’re red. A little puffy,” he explained, his eyes narrowing.

I licked my dry lips. They did feel swollen. Kai and I had been kissing for at least an hour.

“Yeah, they are.” I took a deep breath, smelling the room that was full of Arrow.

“Kissing,” he stated. “lots of kissing.”

Blinking rapidly, trying to keep up with the small sentences leaving Arrow’s mouth, tension lines formed between my brows.

“Yes.” I took a step backward, my backside hitting the wall behind me. There wasn’t enough room in the bathroom to allow me to think straight without the influence of Arrow.

He wouldn’t let me get away from his touch. He stepped into me, his knee pressing against my leg, his breath heating the slick skin on my forehead.

“Does he make you happy, Briar?” he inquired.

I bit down on the inside of my cheek, fighting back the words begging to spill over and plead for him to be the one to make me happy. I wanted to implore him to leave Darcy and be with me! But I couldn’t do it! Darcy loved Arrow and from what I could see, Arrow loved her back. I couldn’t ruin my friendship with both of them over old, persistent feelings I couldn’t seem to shrug off.

“Yeah, Arrow, he makes me happy.” I swallowed with difficulty; my saliva felt like glass sliding down my esophagus.

He nodded up and down, his hands sliding down to my shoulders. He held me tightly as he leaned in and kissed the corner of my mouth. My eyelids fluttered closed when his warm lips touched and then left my skin. Then, just when I was ready to tell him every hidden emotion I felt, he let go of my shoulder and opened the door.

For the second time, I just stood there and watched my future walk away from me. I was stuck like a statue in one spot, but unlike a statue, I knew what was taking place around me. Emptiness filled my chest, my heart stopped. Breathing was no longer necessary, and blood seemed to stop running through my veins. Who needs their blood to pump to their limbs when their heart will never be whole?





There comes a point when every feeling is a bad one, like when you fall asleep because your eyes can’t stand to leak out one more tear, or when you’re no longer living but instead simply existing.

That’s how my life went for months after that night at Darcy’s. We were now in our junior year and I was nearly seventeen. I fooled the majority of my friends into believing I was the same girl they met when we were all fourteen years old. I wasn’t. I was broken, a shadow of the person I used to be. I didn’t care.

My relationship with Kai got more physical without any substance ever being built. I went with the motions. If he wanted to take it to the next level, I allowed it. Before long, my virginity was gone, and I was still living in a numb state. I didn’t have any real connection with Kai. He was nice most of the time. He involved me in his life. His parents adored me.

It wasn’t until one horrible evening of our junior year that I felt something different… fear.

I pissed Kai off. I don’t remember how or why. Then, once he was angry, I stopped responding to him. I shut down. This was odd behavior for me. Typically, I wouldn’t allow anyone to talk or call me the things Kai did that night. Yet, I sat there and tuned him out until I couldn’t tune him out any longer because his hands were squeezing my wrists to the point of pain. I winced and tried pulling away. He didn’t let go. That’s when fear webbed its way into my consciousness.

I’d lost myself. Somewhere along the way, in my time of numbness, Kai had begun to walk all over me because he could and because I never did or said anything about it. I had no idea how long it had gone on. I didn’t know when we switched from a mutual benefitting relationship to it being a singular one. All I knew was that my silence had finally gotten the better of Kai, and he couldn’t take it anymore.

I called him every name in the book, scratched at the hands holding me hostage, tore his skin and made him bleed. He let go and looked at me like he didn’t even know who I was anymore.

He drove me home in complete silence that night. I think we both knew that we were over. Words weren’t needed. Apologies were unnecessary because we both had way too much to say sorry for. When we pulled up in front of my house, his hand went to my knee. I looked over at him. Our eyes met for a brief moment in time where we both understood what the other felt. It was over.