What If

My heart pitter-pattered in my chest with his flirtation. “North Carolina missed you,” I whispered. A particular person in Greenville missed you.

“I hope so because I really missed North Carolina.” He winked.



“Will I see you tomorrow?” Arrow asked as he opened the truck door for me and helped me out of the passenger seat. I looked at my apartment door and then back at him.

“I’m actually going to be really busy for the next couple nights. Our school is having a play, and tomorrow night after school is the rehearsal. I volunteered to help. The night after that is the play.” I was disappointed to not see Arrow for at least two days, but also excited for the play the kids worked hard on.

Arrow wore an understanding grin. “Perfect. I have tickets to a concert on Wednesday. Come with me?”

I rocked back and forth on my feet and pulled my jacket tighter around me. “Depends. Is it a good band?” I asked, teasing. It didn’t matter what band was playing. I wanted to go.

“It’s not a well-known band, just a group from around this area. It’s at The Dug Out.” The Dug Out was a small hang out that a lot of college students hung out at. The alcohol was cheap, and most days the cover was free unless there was a band playing. If a band had the building that night, the cover ranged from fifteen to twenty dollars - still affordable and the bands were usually up-and-coming.

“What time will you pick me up?” His smile widened.

“It’ll take about forty five minutes to get there… so let’s say seven?”

“Seven works.” I worried my lower lip, wondering how was I supposed to end my day with him? A kiss? A hug? Feeling like a teenager all over again, I waited for him to make the move. I still felt edgy about whatever was happening between us. Happiness bloomed inside of me, but there was still a dark, icky place that told me this wasn’t going to work, that our past was too jaded, too full of depression and heartbreak. Every time I felt hopeful, negativity would sweep in and say, “No, you’re not allowed to have him. You can’t have him. You’ve missed your chance. It’ll never happen.” The negativity was easier to believe.

“Come here,” he said, pulling me towards him by taking a hold of my hand.

Lifting up on my tiptoes, I met his mouth halfway. It was a small, innocent kiss, but it touched me all the way to my toes.





Despite our lack of conversation on topics that really mattered… you know, like our past… spending time with Briar took me back to high school all over again. Except this time I wasn’t going to keep my feelings to myself. Gone were the days of wishing I could have the girl in every one of my damn dreams. Gone were the days of being with another woman for the simple fact that I couldn’t have the one I really wanted. Yes, I needed to eventually hear her excuses for giving up on our friendship when we were eighteen. Her rejection, in spite of everything, felt like a heavy weight on my chest that I couldn’t lift off without help from her. Yet, though the answers were essential, it was even more necessary to have quality time with new Briar to discover her likes and dislikes, what made her tick, what made her smile.

Waiting until Wednesday to see her proved to be difficult. It was impossible to still taste her on my lips, but I swore I could. I remembered the pressure of her softness against mine, the smoothness of her skin underneath my fingertips, the smell of her hair. It was sweet and fresh like spring honeysuckle. It made the winter bearable.

Tuesday night I got restless. She sent me texts when she had time, and at night, after she got home from school, she would call me. I wanted to talk for hours, but she was exhausted. Her tiredness reflected in her voice. Still, sitting at home and watching the clock tick by, waiting for Wednesday to come and pass so that I could pick her up that evening got ridiculous. I looked up at the clock, thinking an hour went by when in reality it was only ten minutes. How had I become a teenage girl instead of a full-grown man? She did this to me.

The living room of my one bedroom apartment went black when I switched off the light and television. My keys clinked against the front door when I locked it up. Music blared in the oversize speakers of my truck while heading to O’Malley’s for a few beers to take off the edge and maybe catch a game on the bar’s large screen television.

Arriving there, it seemed like it would be the typical bar experience as it was the last time. There were the men who clearly frequented the establishment and others who were young and new to the bar going world. A few younger women were hunched over a bar game where you have to find differences between one picture of a naked woman and another. I grinned and shook my head, remembering being twenty-one and enjoying that game myself.

I walked up to the bar, pulled out a cigarette, and asked for a tall beer. The bartender was a woman in her late forties with age lines on her forehead and the sides of her eyes. But her smile was genuine when she handed me the glass.

“Just open up a tab.” I handed her my credit card, lit my cigarette, and turned around in the bar stool to view the television better. I noticed a man moving in my direction. At first, I thought he was walking up to the bar. But when I focused on him, I realized exactly who he was… Killian.

Our run in could go one of two ways. One: I kick his ass. What kind of tool would leave a woman like Briar because she wasn’t ready for kids? He obviously was an idiot. Or: we could ignore one another and pretend like we are unaware of who the other was. But that was doubtful, since he continued his march toward me. I sucked in the nicotine from my cigarette then dabbed the tip of it on the ashtray, saving the rest for later.

Killian was similar to me in height, but that’s where the similarities ended. His hair was blonde and slightly longer than mine, long enough that he combed it a bit to the side, looking professional and clean cut. He was fit; I could tell he hit the gym on a regular basis. But I had about fifty pounds on him. I looked for a fight in his light colored eyes when they met mine. But there wasn’t one. He seemed surprised to see me, but I didn’t see hate or fury.

Once he stood near my chair, he gestured to an empty table. “Let me buy you a beer. You know, a thank you for your service in the Marines.” I raised a brow in disbelief. He laughed humorlessly. “And by the look on your face, you have something you need to say to me,” he guessed. He was right.

I joined him at the table. “I don’t need a beer. I’ve got one,” I said shortly.

“Alright.” He drummed his fingers against the tabletop nervously. “You might as well come out with it,” he stated.

“That’s what you want?” I glowered. “You broke her fucking heart you worthless piece of shit,” I said in a deathly tone.

Killian openly laughed, shaking his head back and forth, looking at the table and then perusing my angry features. “Still trying to defend her honor? After all these years…” He bit the nail on his thumb and said in a low voice, “At least she wasn’t the only one stuck in the past.”

“What was that?” I started to rise from my seat.

“Take a seat, man. I’m not going to fight you, and I’m not trying to pick a fight.”

“Then what exactly are you trying to do?” I asked skeptically.

“Clear the air.” He shrugged his shoulders.