What If

Jesus, it was all too much. I let go of her with my right hand and tipped her chin up, forcing her to look at me. Tears trickled down her cheeks, her brown eyes shining.

“Don’t cry, Briar,” I said quietly and leaned forward to press my lips to hers.

She turned her head away, “Don’t.” She sniveled, trying to pull away from my grasp.

“Tell me you don’t want this. Tell me there hasn’t always been something between us.” I kept my hold on her chin; it wobbled in my fingers.

Her eyes darted away from mine. “It doesn’t matter what feelings I used to have. You left. You married her. You’re still married to her.”

I winced at her words and closed my eyes. All that time… All that wasted time when we could’ve been together. She cared for me. I don’t know how strong her feelings once were, but they were there. I wanted to scream at the universe for its game it played on us, for forcing us away from one another before we had our chance.

“We’re not together anymore,” I tried explaining.

“What?” she looked up.

“Lacey and I… we’re not together anymore.” Would she want me now? Would she let me kiss her? Let me love her?

“It’s too late.” The song ended. Her fist in my shirt tightened and then let go, dropping to her sides.



I expected him to give up after my words of rejection but he didn’t. I turned to walk outside for a breath of fresh air. When I opened the door, the bell at the top rang and I stepped outside. Arrow followed me. He grabbed the bicep of my arms and turned me around.

“Stop saying that,” he scolded.

“Saying what?”

“That it’s too late. It’s not too late. That saying doesn’t even make sense. It’s six o’clock… what is it too late for? Too late for us? No, I won’t accept that. Tell me you don’t have feelings for me if that’s the truth. Tell me you never did. Tell me you never will… Tell me anything, but don’t lie to me. Don’t use time as your way to easily back out of this.” He stepped closer, backing me into the brick of the building. His eyes like amber, like sweet honey dripping down, soothed me, and the way he looked at me tenderly and demanding at the same time nearly undid me.

“I don’t know what to say,” I admitted in a whisper.

“How about the truth? I’d really like to hear what that is.” He cupped my face in his rough hands. “Truth or dare?” he asked with a small smile.

I trembled. What was I supposed to do? Did I tell him what I was feeling? Every single thought running through my head? “Truth,” I muttered.

“Be honest with me, Briar. What are you feeling in here?” His right hand left my cheek and rested right above my left breast.

“I’m feeling how I’ve felt for nearly eight years: broken, lost, confused, and absolutely crazy about you.” The faintness of my voice was barely audible, my limbs imperceptibly shaking.

His eyes focused on my lips. The pounding of my heart gave away the anticipation I felt. He was going to kiss me, and I was going to let him. I didn’t know what any of this meant. Questions were unanswered… I still didn’t understand why our past ended the way it did if he honestly had feelings for me. But I also knew, as his lips grazed mine, that nothing had ever felt quite as perfect as his mouth working against mine.



Neither of us felt the frigid air. I was too consumed in the aroma of tobacco and the spice of Arrow’s cologne. The tobacco was a smell familiar to me, a scent that Arrow had always had; the cologne was new, a part of the Arrow I was still getting to know. His hands were roughly textured but tender when they touched my neck and arms. His kiss was passionate and unforgiving. His body warmed mine as he pressed me harder into the brick wall behind me.

Knowing he was no longer married to Lacey made this kiss sweeter than the first one when I thought he was cheating on his wife.

When I told him it was too late for us, he had chased me. This man, this man who could have anyone he wanted, he chased after me. He forced me to tell him how I truly felt. Even though those feelings were conflicted, skewed from past emotions, tender, and easily damaged, they were mine, and I gave them to him. His mouth on mine for the first time felt like a healing medication working its way into my bloodstream, pumping the cure to my heart.

We kissed for what could’ve been a minute or possibly an hour; time was irrelevant. The only reason we stopped was because I started to shake, though I was unaware of the cold breeze.

“Let’s get you back inside.” Arrow rubbed up and down on my arms like he was trying to start a fire.

He walked behind me, his hands still causing friction on my skin as we walked into the bar.

We both took our seats. I smiled; it was small, but each side of my lips curled up. I couldn’t take that grin off my face though, even if I were offered a million dollars. Arrow tried to look relaxed and at ease, but his knee bounced underneath the table. I caught him rubbing his bottom lip with his thumb more than once.

“I guess we don’t need to talk about that kiss from a few nights ago since we seem to have figured it all out on that dance floor.” He pointed towards where he held me while “Dear God” played over the speakers.

Despite the fact that my fingers were still frozen and I couldn’t feel my nose, my cheeks blushed. Arrow reached over the table and traced the rosy coloring on my cheeks, then moved over to my long bangs and curled my hair around his finger.

“You ever going to tell me why you dyed your hair?” I looked down at the dark strands.

“Why, do you not like it? Prefer blondes?” I teased.

His eyes sparkled with mischief. “I used to prefer dark blonde. Now I have a thing for brunettes.”

Giggling, I covered my mouth, trying to silence the volume of my laughter. Once I got a hold of myself I answered, “I needed a change. There was a lot going on in my life with the divorce, my new job at the school, finding an apartment, learning to live on my own, learning who I am… I figured why not? I never dyed my hair before. I’ve always thought about it, but was too worried about what everyone else would think. One day on a whim I decided I would do it anyway. I went to the salon and had it done. Turns out I like it.”

With a little tug on my lock of hair, Arrow let go. “I like it too.” He sat back in his seat. “At Miller’s I couldn’t decide if it was you or someone else.” He chuckled. “You’ve changed,” he said more seriously.

“So have you,” I stated and then waved my hand, gesturing to him. “Sometimes I see the Arrow from when we were teenagers, but then there’s this other part of you that’s new to me.” I looked at the small scar by his eye, up to his cropped hair, and back down to his well-defined face that had aged beautifully. “I like this hair, I think. When I first saw you, I kind of missed those shaggy curls you used to have. But this fits you.”

He ran a hand over the short pricks. “In California there wasn’t a lot of cold weather to worry about. Here, the cold air just about freezes my head.” He laughed.

I swallowed and looked away. How silly that I would have an aversion to an entire state and feel like it stole him away from me. “Did you like California?”

I watched the gears turning as he considered his answer. “It’s beautiful there. The perfect temperature nearly year around.” Nodding, I drank the last of my beer. “But you know what?” I paused, holding the mug in front of me. “The company is better in North Carolina.”