Chapter Twenty
Picking Up The Pieces
The following weeks were absolute torture. Rachel, and to my surprise Jade, tried to cheer me up with unholy amounts of ice cream and girl time. I tried to act cheerful around them, but I felt utterly broken inside. Amber, who hadn’t been at the bar that night for some reason and had heard everything from Adam, refused to speak to me and I understood why. She loved Logan as much as I did and I had hurt him beyond repair. I missed her as much as I did Logan, but if I was truthful with myself, I missed Drake more than anything in my life. Every time I would see him around campus my heart would start fluttering like a hummingbird in my chest and I would feel dizzy. I would catch him staring at me from time to time in class, where he had taken his old seat several rows away from me, but he never approached me.
I tried to keep myself busy at all times so I didn’t think of either of them, but they always snuck into my thoughts at the most unexpected moments, in the shower, when I was folding my laundry, even at work. My work was suffering miserably and I knew I was going to be called out on it. Finally, one evening Janet pulled me into her office.
“Listen Chloe, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you need to get your head on straight or I’m going to have to fire you. I don’t want to, but I’ve had so many complaints over the last few weeks, that there is no way I can keep letting this go on.”
I slumped into my chair and nodded, “I’m so sorry Janet, I promise I’ll start trying harder. I’ve just had a lot of personal stuff going on, but that isn’t an excuse.”
She nodded and smiled at me, “I really do like you Chloe. Listen, take a week off to figure stuff out, and then come back in the Monday after next.”
I nodded and stood to leave, “When I come back, I promise things will be better.”
“I hope so Chloe. If you need someone, you know where to find me.”
As I closed the door behind me, tears formed in my eyes. I had cried more in the last few months than I ever had in my life. Even with my mom always being so shitty, I never cried this much. I waved goodbye to Vanessa as I left, leaving her with a questioning look on her face.
Speaking of my mother, I had thought I was safe after the phone call Drake had witnessed. Unfortunately, either she had been unable to locate me or she decided now was the perfect time to torture me. The calls had started coming through again this past week. I received as many as ten a day, sometimes in the middle of the night. I knew she was playing a game with me, but I refused to be part of whatever she was planning. My mother was a conniving and cruel hearted bitch and I was better off completely ignoring her.
My phone rang again on the way home, making it the sixth, or was it seventh, call of the day. When I arrived back at the dorm I checked my phone, and sure enough, another blocked number. I powered off my phone and walked up to my room. Rachel was lying in bed reading when I came in.
“You’re home early, what’s up?”
I threw my bag on the table and sat at the edge of her bed, “My boss kicked me out.”
Her eyes widened, “Oh no! Did you get fired?”
I shook my head, “No, she told me to take a week off and get my shit together. Don’t worry, I know I still owe you that free cup of coffee. I’ll make sure you get it before I get fired.”
She laughed and hit me over the head with a pillow. “You’re so dumb Chloe, I wasn’t worried about my coffee,” She looked thoughtful for a moment, “Actually, I am. I’ll stop by the day you go back just in case.”
I laughed as I grabbed the pillow she was about to launch at my head again and quickly hit her back, right in the face. What ensued after that can only be described as the most epic battle of pillow fights known to man. By the time we were finished, feathers littered the floor and we were both in desperate need of new pillows.
“Opps,” Rachel giggled as we fell back onto the bed.
“Yeah, that would be a good description of what just went down. And now we have to clean up this mess.”
We spent the next twenty minutes picking feathers up off the floor, the bed, and out of our hair. I was grabbing a stray out from under my bed when a knock sounded at the door. Seeing as no one but Rachel and Jade wanted anything to do with me and Jade was at a show tonight, I let Rachel answer it. Whoever it was, they were obviously looking for her. I slowly made my way out from under the bed, careful not to hit my head as she opened the door.
Her startled gasp had me spinning around to see who was at the door. The garbage bag I had been holding slipped from my grasp and feathers went everywhere as I took in the sight of Logan standing in the doorway. His gaze dropped to the mess at my feet and he chuckled, “Do I even want to ask?”
“Pillow fight,” I whispered as I took in the sight of him. I hadn’t seen him in weeks, not up close at least. He was still my Logan, except he had a ragged edge to him and his eyes held a sadness within them. He looked like he was sleeping about as much as I was.
“Mind if I come in to talk?” he asked quietly.
Rachel held the door open the rest of the way for him as he entered, making his way to stand in front of me. Rachel stood by the doorway like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming Semi.
“I’m… Yeah… I’m going to go. Call me when you’re done,” She gave me a hopeful smile as she grabbed her keys and made a hasty retreat out the door.
Logan and I were silent as we stared at each other. Needing something to do, I quickly bent down and started scooping the escaped feathers back into the bag. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he kneeled down beside me and started helping.
“How have you been?” he asked once we finished searching for feathers.
“Fine. You?”
I stood up quickly and set the bag by the door, trying to avoid all eye contact with him. I had no idea what he was doing here, and frankly I was afraid to ask.
“Not so good. I’ve missed you a lot Chloe. I don’t like how things are between us,” he shifted weight from one foot to the other as he spoke, “I tried calling you first to see if it was ok if I came by but it went straight to voicemail. I wasn’t sure if you were avoiding me or had it shut off.”
I shook my head as I walked over and held up my phone, “It’s off, I wouldn’t ever ignore you Logan. I’ve missed you too.”
His forehead crinkled in confusion, “Why is your phone off? What if someone needed to get ahold of you?”
I snorted in a very unladylike manor, “Like who? Besides Rachel and Jade, no one ever speaks to me.”
“Has anyone been giving you a hard time since… since everything happened?”
I shook my head as I set my phone back down, “No, everyone has left me alone. Even Amber.” I looked away as understanding and pity filled his eyes.
“I see. I’ll talk to Amber tomorrow. She doesn’t need to ignore you because of me. You’ve been friends far too long to let me get in the way. But that doesn’t answer my question, if no one was bothering you, why did you shut your phone off?”
I gave him a weak smile as I sat down on my bed, “Um, my mom has been calling me a lot lately. I shut if off so I didn’t have to hear it ring all night.”
I watched as his body went rigid. “She’s still bothering you?”
I nodded, “Yeah, but it’s not a big deal. I just ignore it.”
He sat down next to me and started to hug me but stopped himself, “Why didn’t you tell me? Have you been talking to her?”
I scooted across the bed a bit to get away from him. “No, I haven’t spoken with her since that day I called you. Drake got on the phone with her then and I think we scared her off for a while but she’s back with a vengeance.”
His body went stiff at the mention of Drake.
“And I never told you because it’s only been happening for the last week or so and we haven’t exactly been on speaking terms. I couldn’t just run to you about it like I did before.”
He took a deep breath before turning to look at me, “Chloe you can always come to me about this stuff, no matter what’s happening between us. Just because things ended the way they did between us doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you anymore. You’re still my best friend and always will be. That’s actually what I came here tonight to talk to you about. I miss you Chloe, I know that there’s nothing left between us romantically, but I don’t want to lose you completely. You’ve always been such a big part of my life. These past few weeks have been hell without you.”
Tears broke free from my eyes and started rolling down my cheeks as he spoke. I threw myself into his arms and hugged him as tightly as I could manage. “Oh Logan! I’ve missed you so much, you have no idea. I was so sure you’d never speak to me again after everything. I thought I’d lost you!”
I sobbed into his chest as he rubbed my back. “I told you I just needed time Chloe, I could never leave you for long. You’re too important to me for that. I’ve felt like I’ve had a hole in my chest.”
I pulled back to look at his beautiful face, “I have too. The world’s not the same without you in it.”
We sat together on my bed for hours, just talking. I told him everything that had happened from the beginning and he listened quietly as I spilled every regret, every loss, every happy moment. When I finished we were both shaken and tearful.
“I wish you would have told me everything from the beginning Chloe. Things could have been so much different for all of us.”
I nodded as I wiped my tears away, “I know that now, but I figured that out too late, I was too deep in with you and I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“I know you didn’t baby girl, but you did. What’s in the past is exactly where it needs to be – behind us. From today on we’ll start over, no more looking back at our mistakes, only to the future. I’m not about to lose you again.”
I hugged him tightly as a smile spread across my face. “I’m not going to let you go again either. Logan and Chloe, partners in crime until the end.”
Things began to return to normal in the days following my talk with Logan. Amber had burst into my room the next morning, sobbing like a baby. I had held her in my arms for a full five minutes until she could make a coherent sentence.
“I… I missed you so damn much Chloe! This has been killing me inside.”
I hugged her tightly as I laughed, “I missed you too Amber, but I got what I deserved. What I did was wrong and I needed to pay for it.”
“I’m sorry I was such a bitch to you. I was so mad at you for what you did, and for not telling me. I had to find out from Adam after the fact. I thought you trusted me more than that!”
“I did trust you, I just couldn’t put you in the middle of all this. Logan is your friend too and if I had told you, it would have torn you guys apart. I didn’t want to do that to you.”
She nodded as she wiped under her eyes to get rid of the smudged mascara, “I guess I understand why, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about the whole thing.”
I stood up and looked out my window at the campus below. “I know it’s a crappy excuse, but it’s all I’ve got. I was so confused and I made some really bad choices. But I paid for it in the end. I nearly lost Logan and I did lose Drake.”
“Have you talked to him any since all of this happened? I’ve been to some of the band’s shows, he seems as depressed as you are.”
I turned away from the window to see her watching me closely. My shoulders slumped as I thought of how I had hurt Drake, how I was still hurting him. “No I haven’t. I thought it was best to cut ties with both of them. We all needed time to heal from all of this. I want him, but I don’t even know how he feels about me now. Besides, I don’t think it would be fair to Logan if I caused all of this and then skipped merrily off into the sunset to live my happily ever after.”
Amber snorted, “Yeah, you’ve been living your happily ever after alright. Do you really think Logan would want you to go on like this? He wants you to be happy Chloe, that’s all he ever wanted.”
I sighed as started gathering up clothes to wash, “I don’t know. I just know I hurt him and I don’t deserve to be happy. I’m sure Drake has moved on by now anyway.”
Amber picked up a dirty sock and threw it at me. “Did you just listen to anything I just said? Drake is as miserable as you are, and he’s definitely not moved on. You have no idea how many girls I’ve watched him practically throw off of him at the bar. That boy is in mope mode, trust me.”
I growled as I shoved the dirty sock in the laundry basket with the rest of the clothes. “I can’t Amber. I just can’t. If he rejects me I’ll never survive it.”
With Amber and Logan back at my side, I was beginning to feel whole again, despite missing Drake. He had left a gaping hole in my chest that I wasn’t sure anyone would be able to fill. I saw him around campus a few times and in class. When he would look at me, I gave him a cautious smile but he never returned it. I started back at work and threw myself into it with a vengeance to make up for lost time. Janet seemed impressed with my transformation and told me so. I was glad things were starting to look up in my life.
My mother had continued to call my phone until I was forced to change my number. I was upset, afraid Drake would decide to call me only to find the disconnected number and think I did it because of him. I knew it was a long shot, but I was still worried. I told Amber and she offered to pass on my new number to him but I refused. I didn’t want to appear desperate in his eyes.
I had been doing such an amazing job at work that Janet told me to go home early Friday night. “You’ve been working yourself to the bone since you came back, go out and have some fun with your friends tonight.”
I thanked her as I grabbed my bag and made my way out to the almost empty parking lot. I sent Amber a quick text asking if she wanted to hang out, only to get a reply from her telling me she was at the bar. I groaned as she sent another text asking me to come. I really didn’t think that would be a good idea. I told her I was tired and going home. My phone started ringing as soon as I sent it.
I smiled at Amber’s determination, “Yes?”
“Don’t yes me Chloe Marie! Get your butt over here, they’re playing a bunch of new stuff tonight and it’s a great show. You can leave before they finish if you want to. It’s not like I’m asking you to have a heart to heart with him, just come watch them play.”
I could make out shouting in the background as someone played a solo on the guitar.
“Alright, I’m across the street so I’ll be there in a minute.” I hung up, still debating on just going home and hiding. I knew she’d never let me live it down if I did, so I slowly pulled across traffic and into the bar’s parking lot. There was literally no place to park, so I pulled in next to the back door and made my way inside. It took me several minutes to push through the massive crowd to get to our table. After several elbows to the face and all of my toes being stepped on at least twice, the crowd cleared enough for me to reach the table.
I was out of breath as I sat down in a chair next to Rachel. She and Amber both broke out in giggles at the sight of me.
“What happened to you?”
I pointed over my shoulder to the crowd of rowdy bar patrons. “It’s a damn mosh pit back there, I’m lucky I made it here with all my limbs intact!”
They continued to laugh as a waitress brought me a beer. I gave them a dirty look as I took a sip and let my eyes fall on the stage in front of us. My heart skipped a seat as I looked up to see Drake staring at me. I gave him a small smile and chugged my beer. I was going to need more than beer to survive this night.
I motioned for the waitress to bring me another one but Amber shook her head. “No way are you getting wasted and making an ass out of yourself. Just watch the music and enjoy.”
I groaned as I laid my head down on the table, “You’re killing me Amber, slowly and painfully. I hope you know that.”
She slapped me on the back as the band finished their song. “I do and I know. I’m thoroughly enjoying myself right now. If you won’t man up and talk to him, someone has to push you into it.”
I opened my mouth and gasped at her, “This was a setup wasn’t it?? You can forget about it Amber, I’ll be long gone by the time they finish. Actually, I think I’m going to leave now before you can try anything else on me.” I stood and turned to leave just as Drake’s amplified voice filled the bar.
“Thanks to everyone who came out tonight. We’ve got one more song for you guys before we’re done. It’s another new one and we hope you like it.”
His eyes locked on mine as I stood there staring at him in a trance. This was the closest I had been to him in weeks, and the sight of him standing there in all of his bad boy glory made my knees weak. He was wearing a sleeveless shirt that showed off more of his tattoo than I had ever seen him show at a performance before. The stage lights hit off his eyebrow and lip rings, making them sparkle brilliantly.
But it was his eyes that truly caught my attention. Standing this close to him, I could see all the despair and regret swirling within them.
I felt tears spring to my eyes as he spoke, “This one, well this one is for anyone who’s had their heart ripped out. For anyone who thought they found love, only to have it ripped away viciously and without any regard to your feelings,” He raised his hand above his head and shouted, “To all of us who are empty inside!”
With that, Jade started into the song slowly, with Adam and Eric following closely behind. As Drake started singing, I could see every bit of hurt I had caused radiating out from him, engulfing me and the audience. I stood rooted to the floor as he sang directly to me.
I wasn’t sure what it was,
What you did to me,
I felt myself change,
Something shifted when I looked into your eyes,
Engulfing me in flames,
Burning me to the core,
But it wasn’t meant to be,
You see, you and I,
We’re a whirlwind,
Destroying everything in our path,
But isn’t that what love does,
It makes us weak, far from free
I gave you everything and you turned it back on me,
You turned it back on me
He whispered the last line and before I realized what I was doing, I was running through the crowd, pushing people as I went. I ran straight to my car and slammed the door behind me, tears running down my face in torrents. Amber was running out the front door as I sped past her and out onto the main road.