Chapter Nineteen
And We All Fall Apart
Wednesday never came. Vanessa had some kind of plans and begged me to trade my Friday shift with her. I agreed, but I wasn’t happy with it. Not only was I forced to wait to talk to Logan yet again, but I had a Friday off and no excuse not to go to Drake’s show if Amber asked me. Luckily for me, Amber was so wrapped up in Adam she had barely even texted me throughout the week and I was let off the hook.
When Friday evening rolled around, Logan was curled up with me in my bed, helping me to study for a test I had the following Monday. He was an excellent tutor since he’d already taken the class last semester.
“I swear if I look at one more page my head is going to explode,” I groaned.
We had been at it for over two hours and my brain was passed the fried mark for the week. He gently took the book from my hands and set it on the floor before pulling me into his arms.
“Let’s take a break for a few.”
He leaned down and kissed me with such gentleness my heart melted. He and Drake were so different from each other, Logan so gentle and caring, Drake with raw passion and danger. Why was I laying here kissing Logan, yet all my thoughts were comparing him to Drake?
He deepened the kiss and started slowly sliding his hand under my shirt and up my stomach. I froze at the touch and pulled away.
“What’s wrong babe? If we’re going too fast just tell me. I thought after the other day…” he looked at me with concern in his eyes. I couldn’t do this to him any longer.
“Logan, remember how I wanted to talk to you the other day?”
He nodded but stayed silent.
“Well, there’s something I need to tell you,” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening them to look at him again, “Something happened between Drake and me. Right after we got together I went over to his house to hang out and study for a couple of our classes. Neither of us intended anything to happen, but we ended up having sex. I am so sorry I didn’t tell you, I just couldn’t stand the thought of hurting you. It was an accident.”
He froze as he looked down at me, “An accident? What, you just accidentally fell on his dick?” he yelled, his face turning a violent shade of red I had never witnessed on him before. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself before continuing. “Why are you telling me this now? Why wait all these months and then dump this on me?”
“I don’t know, I guess I just couldn’t take the guilt anymore, I don’t want to keep lying to you,” I stared into his eyes as I spoke and I could see the storm raging behind them even though he was attempting to stay calm.
“I’m glad you told me Chloe, I want you to be honest with me. I don’t really know what to say, but I’m trying to understand here. You said this was right after we got together?”
I nodded, feeling more guilt cripple me.
“Ok, well as long as it was just the once I am willing to look past it. I know how confused you were about us then,” He pulled me into a hug as I burst into tears, “What’s wrong Chloe? I forgive you baby girl, I forgive you.”
I continued to sob as I managed to gasp out the few words that would seal our fate. “It wasn’t just then. It happened again a couple weeks ago. I went to his house to try to work things out, because we hadn’t really talked since it happened, and things got carried away.”
I felt his arms stiffen around me. “You had sex with him two weeks ago? What the f*ck Chloe?” he quickly dropped his arms from around me and stood. I was still crying as he continued yelling, “That son of a bitch! He knew you were mine, and he still went after you. Twice! Unf*ckingbelievable! I’m going to kill him!” He stormed across the room to the door and threw it open.
I jumped off the bed to go after him, “Logan! Logan stop! Where are you going?”
He glanced over his shoulder at me as he headed for the stairs, “I’m going to teach that bastard a lesson. I knew something was up between you two, I just never thought he would pull that. I never thought you would do this to me! How could you Chloe?” he continued to yell as I chased him down the stairs. All around us, students stopped dead in the hallway and stairs to stare at us as we passed.
“I’m so sorry Logan, but please just stop,” I reached for his arm but he threw my hand away.
“Stay away from me Chloe, or God help me, I won’t be responsible for my actions.”
We had made it down the stairs and out into the parking lot and he quickly unlocked his car and jumped in. I tried to open the passenger door, but he kept it locked as he put the car in drive and left black marks as he screeched out of the parking lot. Sobbing uncontrollably, I ran for my own car and quickly tore after him. He went straight to the bar, knowing Drake would be playing on a Friday night. As soon as I shut my car off, I jumped out and ran after him into the building.
Drake was up on stage playing with the band when we entered. Logan headed straight for the stage with me on his heels. Before I could stop him, he jumped up onto the stage and punched Drake in the face. I screamed as I watched Drake’s head jerk back with the force of it and blood started trickling down onto his lips from his nose. The crowd started screaming and the other band members quickly grabbed Logan as he lunged for Drake again.
“What the f*ck?” Drake yelled glaring at Logan.
He glanced up and went pale at the sight of me standing in front of them crying and shaking as Logan started screaming at him.
“You stupid son of a bitch! Did you think I wouldn’t find out you’d been f*cking Chloe behind my back?” he lunged again and Adam was caught off guard, letting him go. Drake saw him coming and jumped back before landing a punch of his own in Logan’s stomach. Logan grunted and dropped before jumping up and going at Drake again.
“Come on pretty boy, I’m standing right here, come get me,” Drake taunted him.
Logan threw a punch again and Drake wasn’t quick enough to dodge it as it landed in his ribcage. Logan threw himself at him while he was distracted by the pain and they flew backwards into the drums, sending them flying. I screamed out as they continued to throw punches before Adam and Eric could pull them apart.
Eric pried Drake off of Logan and held him tight as Adam twisted Logan’s arm behind his back and held him in a death grip.
Jade, who had been standing on the end of the stage the entire time put her fingers in her mouth and whistled. “That’s it! Grow the f*ck up boys, or at least take it outside!”
Logan looked at Drake with pure hatred in his eyes, “How could you Drake? I asked you that day at lunch if there was anything between the two of you before I went for her. You told me nothing was going on and nothing would. You promised me you would leave her alone and look what happened. You f*cked her not once, but twice behind my back.”
Drake glared right back at him, “Yeah I did f*ck her. Twice because once just wasn’t enough for me and I’d do it again if I could.”
Logan tried to lunge for him but Adam was prepared this time and held tight.
“Alright guys, both of you outside now,” he growled as he held Logan back. He marched him off stage and across the bar to the door, Eric following closely behind still holding onto Drake. Jade and I followed behind them at a distance with her arms wrapped around me, hugging me tight.
When I stepped out into the cool night air I breathed deeply. How had my life come to this? I was almost certain I had already lost Logan, not only as a boyfriend, but as my friend too. And Drake, well I never knew where I stood with him from day one. My insides trembled as Eric and Adam released Logan and Drake and stepped back.
“Alright, you want to kick the shit out of each other, be my guest. We’re not going to stop you, but you guys need to get your shit together. Fighting over a girl is f*cking ridiculous and you know it. So do what you want, just get it out and over with before our drums suffer anymore,” Eric growled as he and Adam made their way over to where Jade and I stood.
Logan and Drake stood facing each other, and suddenly I was afraid they would start hitting each other again. I stepped forward until I stood between them.
“Listen to me, both of you. This is so stupid, like Eric said. This is all my fault and the two of you beating the shit out of each other isn’t going to fix anything. I f*cked up, not you two. So if you want to take your anger out on someone, take it out on me. I ruined everything,” Tears ran down my face as I looked at both of them, “You both mean so much to me, and I will never forgive myself for what I have done to you.”
I quickly turned from them and headed across parking lot to my car. As I got in, I glanced up and saw both of them staring at me with identical looks of pain and rage on their faces.
The texts started a couple hours after I made it home. First from Drake checking on me, then to both of them apologizing for what happened at the bar. I couldn’t really face either of them at this point, not because of what happened tonight, but because I was ashamed of myself and what I had done to both of them, so I ignored the texts. They were both better than this whole situation, better than I was, and neither of them deserved to be stuck with me.
Rachel had forgotten some of her stuff at home when she came back from break, so she had gone home to see her parents and grab her things for the weekend, which meant I had the entire room to myself as I moped and refused to answer their text messages as my phone continued to ding. I grabbed a bottle of vodka from our mini fridge and poured a shot straight. Gulping it down, I poured another and drank it down too. If I was going to be miserable, I might as well do it right.
A few shots later, I was lying on my bed staring at the ceiling as it gently swayed back and forth. I giggled at the stupid ceiling. Life wasn’t so bad, I thought as the ceiling continued to sway. I’m not sure how long I laid there laughing at the ceiling before I heard a knock on my door. Giggling like a fool, I stumbled from my bed and slowly made my way to the door. Swinging it open, I saw both Logan and Drake standing in front of me.
I smiled at the sight of these two gorgeous men who had come to visit me, “Heeeey guys! How are you?” I giggled again as I spoke, “Actually, never mind. You’re both pretty damn fine like always.” I turned and made my way back to my bed and fell on top of it. I glanced back at Logan and Drake when neither of them said a word. They were both staring at each other with concern before turning their gazes to me.
“Are you alright Chloe?” Logan asked, stepping into the room ahead of Drake.
“I’m great! I had a couple shots and now I’m all set,” I smiled brightly at them.,“What are you guys doing here? Wait, you’re together, and there’s no blood!”
Both of them continued to stare at me. Logan leaned down beside my bed and looked into my eyes, “Just how many shots have you had love?”
I rolled my eyes at the concern in his voice. Why did he seem so worried, when everything was just fine.
“Only a couple,” I motioned to the bottle on my nightstand, “See, it’s still full, I just opened it tonight.”
Drake glanced at the stand before looking back at me, “Uh Chloe, the bottle is empty.”
I stared at the bottle, noticing he was right. I slapped my hand across my face before laughing, “Whoops! Guess it’s a good thing it’s the cheap stuff, otherwise I’d be seriously drunk right now.”
They both exchanged looks with each other again, their facing growing more concerned. “Chloe honey, you are drunk. Excessively drunk actually,” Logan stated from beside me.
I rolled my eyes again, “Seriously guys, I’m fine. Why are you here?” The world tipped as I spoke and I was glad I was lying on my bed.
Drake spoke up from his spot in front of my bed, “Look Chloe, you’re trashed so I don’t think right now is a good time to talk like we planned. We’ll come back tomorrow,” He glanced at the bottle again, “Or the day after, I’m pretty sure you aren’t going to be up to any talking tomorrow.”
They were both really annoying me at this point. “I said I was fine!” I sat up as I spoke and the world spun around me. My stomach churned and I grabbed the garbage can beside the bed and threw up violently into it. Logan jumped back a couple feet as I continued to throw up. It seemed like hours passed as I kept my head in the can. Finally, there seemed to be nothing left in my stomach and I rolled back onto my bed groaning, “F*ck. Maybe I am drunk.”
Drake chuckled quietly, “No shit Chloe.”
I glared at him, “Just say what you came here to say a*shole.”
My insult didn’t seem to faze him as he continued to stare down at me. “We came to tell you to decide who you want. Both of us want you, but what you want is what really matters. Whoever you don’t chose will back off. No questions asked.”
I could see the pain in his eyes as he spoke. The last thing I remember doing before darkness took over was muttering the only truth I knew at that moment. “What if I want both of you?”
The next morning, the world exploded inside my head as I opened my eyes.
“Holy crap! How much did I drink last night?” I yelled. Pain tore into my head with renewed vengeance at the sound. Grabbing my head I moaned and rolled onto my stomach. Finding the pillow, I quickly pulled it over my head to shield myself from the sun shining cheerfully into the room.
I laid there, willing my stomach and head to cooperate with me. After a few minutes of pleading and self-loathing I gave up and slowly slid out from under the pillow. Still clutching my head, I made my way to the desk and grabbed a bottle of water and a couple pills to help my headache. I stood motionlessly for a few minutes before grabbing my bathroom bag and shuffled down the hall toward the showers. I slowly undressed, fearing the pain any sudden movement would cause. After taking the longest shower on record, I made my way back to my room and fell back onto my bed.
As I lay there, images of the previous night started flashing through my mind. Studying with Logan and telling him the truth, the fight, and finally both of them coming here to see me.
What if I want you both? My heart seized as the memory surfaced from my cloudy mind. Had I really told them that? Of course I had, my idiocy really knew no bounds. I shot straight up in bed and my head protested. I ignored the pain as I grabbed my keys and ran from the room.
Knocking on Drake’s door was probably the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I stood frozen as he opened the door and raised his eyebrows at the sight of me.
“Wow. I didn’t expect you to show up today,” he gave me a thoughtful look, “Or be conscious to be honest.”
“Can we talk about last night please?” I almost hoped he said no to my request, that he would tell me to come back later. Instead he nodded and stood aside, allowing me entrance. I moved swiftly past him and walked to the couch. I was beginning to really hate this couch, every bad thing between us had started on it.
Unlike last time, he sat down beside me and took my hand into his own. I looked down at our joined hands, and such a simple sight took my breath away. How was I going to do this to either of them? At the end of this, all three of us would walk away shattered, utterly broken.
The truth was that I loved Drake, more than breathing, more than anything, but I knew in my heart that I loved Logan too, just in a different way. I couldn’t imagine surviving what I was about to do, but I had to do it. I had to set both of them free. Neither of them deserved the pain I had caused them, and I was going to make this right.
I looked up into his eyes, memorizing them before finally speaking, “I love you Drake,” His eyes lit up with such joy I almost stopped there, “But I love Logan too.” The light in his eyes faded and he looked away from me.
“I’m so sorry that I hurt you, and if I could, I would take it all back,” My eyes burned as tears threatened to spill over. I took a deep breath before finishing my death sentence, “I’ll always care about you, but I think it’s best if we stay away from each other. All I do is cause you pain, and I can’t stand the thought of you hurting because of me.”
I reached up and gripped his chin, pulling his face back to me. The haunting look in his eyes nearly killed me, “Goodbye Drake.”
I started to stand, but stopped myself. If this was the end, I wanted closure. Still holding his chin, I pulled him to me and kissed him softly on the lips as my tears finally made their way down my cheeks. Without another word, I walked out the door.
I was still crying as I pulled into the parking lot of my dorm and shut off the car. I sat there trying to compose myself before I faced Logan. It took a lot longer than I expected, but finally my tears dried and I stepped out of the car and into the building. Before I knew it, I was standing in front of Logan’s door. I knocked softly and prepared myself for what was to come.
My heart had already broken once today and after this visit was over, I wasn’t sure there would be anything left. With Drake I had lost love, but when it came to Logan, I was losing more than just love. I was losing years with my best friend. As much as it hurt, I knew I was doing the right thing. My stomach twisted as he slowly opened the door and started at me.
Without a word, he turned back into the room and sat on his bed. I walked in, closing the door behind me. The look on his face said it all. He looked totally and utterly defeated.
He sighed before glancing up at me, “I lost didn’t I?”
I looked at the floor, “Not really. I’m so tired of hurting both of you Logan. I love you both, just in different ways. I’m not choosing him, but I’m not choosing you either.”
What was left of my heart shattered with my words, but I stood my ground. He stood and crossed the room to stand in front of me.
“I understand, and I accept your decision.”
Tears started falling from my eyes again, “I’m so sorry Logan. I ruined everything we ever had. I didn’t just lose my boyfriend, I lost my best friend in all of this mess.”
He pulled me into a tight hug, “You haven’t lost me as a friend Chloe, but I need some time before I can go back to the way things were. Just don’t give up on our friendship. I promise I won’t leave you.”
I hugged him back as hard as I could. “I understand. Thanks Logan,” I pulled away and made my way to the door. I opened the door to leave, “When you’re ready, you know where to find me.” I closed the door behind me as I left my heart lying on the floor.