Please Don’t Make Me Do This
December, 2001
Up until the minute Kelly got too sick and tired to tend to her daughter, she’d always been a hands-on mom. Of course Kendall was in daycare until two-fifteen because Kelly worked, but after that, every day of Kendall’s life was filled with a craft, or a trip to the park or story time on her mommy’s lap. The weekends were filled with trips to the zoo, Mommy and Me gymnastics classes and good old-fashioned family time in the evening with Craig. But, Kelly’s energy ran out in the last two months of her life and the fun came to a screeching halt…she also became pretty scary to look at. After Kelly shaved her head due to hair loss from chemo, she did her best to keep her wig on to hide the look from Kendall, but slipped up on one occasion. And that occasion freaked Kendall out-- big time. One night, after a bad dream, Kendall tippy-toed into her parents room for some comfort, but got the opposite when her startled mother sat up in bed and revealed her bald head. Despite Kelly’s effort to calm her, Kendall cried, “Make it go back, Mommy! Make it go back!” According to Craig, that’s when Kelly started wanting to die. She was frightening her child who, up until that time, she’d done everything in the world to protect from terrifying things. That’s when she decided to move Kendall out of the house and in with her grandparents. The only night Kendall came home in those last two months of her Mommy’s life was a few days before Kelly went into the hospital where she died and that’s only because the grandparents got the flu and couldn’t look after her. She came home the night Kelly begged Craig to take a bath with her, but he didn’t. He was too busy doing everything he could to keep Kendall away from Kelly. It wasn’t what he wanted, but it’s what Kelly made him promise he would do.
After Kelly died, I asked Craig why he didn’t ask for my help instead of relying on his ancient parents. He said, “Kelly didn’t want our problems to become yours. She thought you had enough on your plate.” It always bothered me that Kelly thought I had so much going on in my stupid love life that she didn’t ask for my help when she needed it the most. It’s why I jumped at the chance to help Craig care for Kendall by picking her up at daycare three days a week. It’s why I’ll fight anyone, legal or otherwise, who gets in my way of raising Kendall now that her father is dead too.
Tippy toeing into the house, I find Kendall playing with one of the new dolls Kurt brought over to keep her occupied while the gang figured out their next moves.
“Ki-Ki!”
“Hi sweetheart! Come over here and give me a big kiss. Remember…just like the fancy ladies do it!”
Kendall scrambles to her feet, runs over, and plants a wet one on my right cheek, then my left, and for our own personal touch, a big one right on the kisser.
“That’s the way I like it! Whatcha’ doing over there?”
“Ku-Ku bought me dis fun stuff. Can you pway wit me?”
“I have a better idea! How about we pack it all up in a suitcase with your favorite pajamas and we have a sleepover at the cottage!”
Jumping up and down, she can barely contain herself. “Yay, yay, yay! Can Weo come too so we can hunt for snipes?”
“Well poop, he’s still in New York. But, we can call him! How’s that sound?”
Definitely not as happy as she was two seconds ago, Kendall says “Allllllright,” grabs her bright pink Barbie suitcase and starts packing. The gang is gone by the time I get Kendall outside. I made them promise to leave because if I saw them it would only make what I have to do that much more difficult. I need to be focused, not have their concerned faces staring at me as I load up my Goddaughter.
“Wait, Ki-Ki! I forgot to tell my Daddy about the sleepover!”
“You know what, sweetheart? Daddy knows.”
“He does? Can I say bye-bye?”
I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. STOP IT, CHRISSY! You don’t have the option to back out. Look at her. Who else is going to tell her the news? Her crypt keeper grandparents? Kelly’s mom who’s probably seven pills deep on Prozac and on the verge of a mental breakdown? The gang? A stranger? No! You’re the only one she’ll feel comfortable clinging to. Looking back toward the curtains in the living room, I can visualize Kelly giving me a shaky thumbs up, and I can hear her saying, “It has to be you, so get your shit together!”
“Da…” Clearing my throat, “Daddy told me to tell you bye-bye. He had to go see someone.”
“Who?”
“Ohhhhh, someone very special.”
“Who?”
“How about if I tell you over hamburgers and French fries at the cottage? We can snuggle up in warm blankets and have a picnic on the deck and throw rocks into the creek.”
“And hunt for snipes?”
“Yes, sweetie, and hunt for snipes.”
I didn't think I wanted you
But I want you now
I want to rescue, want to scream out loud
You will always be mine
(Ballerina, Leona Naess)