Happening
December, 2001
“Chrissy, I have to come home. You can’t possibly handle all of this on your own.”
Even though I’m on my way to Craig’s house to retrieve Kendall and tell her the horrible news about her daddy, I’m not so messed up to have forgotten how stupid it would be to have Leo anywhere near this scene. “The gang” is going to be very entwined in the next few weeks and… Kurt’s a member.
“I would love that Leo, but I have to focus on Kendall. I’m taking her back to my cottage tonight, and it’s best if I’m alone with her.”
Although crushed, my beautiful, heartfelt Leo agrees to go along with whatever I think is best. Hoping to continue to ride his wave of warmth, I spontaneously decide there’s not going to be a better time to tell him the news, so I pull my car over to the side of the road.
“Leo, I never told you this, but Craig’s parents are very old.”
“I remember he mentioned something about that when we had dinner at his house.”
“And…Kelly’s mom has never been the same after she died.”
“I’m sure this is gonna be incredibly difficult for all of them. Honestly, I can’t even imagine the grief.”
“That’s not why I’m telling you this. Leo…you know how I’m Kendall’s Godmother?”
“Yeah.”
“Well…Kurt’s her Godfather.”
“I never wanted to ask, but I suspected as much. Why are you bringing this-- Oh my God, are you two the legal guardians of Kendall?”
“As far as I know, yes.”
The tone in his voice takes a subtle shift from warm to worried.
“When will you know for sure?”
“First thing tomorrow morning, I’ll call the attorney listed on my last version of their will. But Leo, you have to know something.”
He doesn’t need to wait for me to tell him, he already knows.
“You want her, don’t you?”
“Try not to spit your coffee out, but I’m the only shot that child has at living a life that’s remotely close to what her parents’ would’ve wanted for her.”
“You don’t think Nicole or Courtney can do it?”
All of a sudden a maternal instinct to protect kicks in that even I didn’t know I possessed.
“Are you insinuating I should even suggest it to them?”
“I don’t know…they’re married, they already have kids.”
“Yeah, kids they barely have enough time for because of their jobs! Kelly would roll over in her grave if Kendall was in daycare for even half the amount of time their kids are!”
“Baby, baby, baby! I’m not trying to upset you. I support whatever you decide. I care for Kendall too, and I’ll do whatever I can to honor her parents and be the best… I guess the best father-figure I can be. I mean, that’s what we’re talking about, right?”
Hearing him say that makes me wonder for the millionth time in nearly four years, what the hell have I gotten this guy into? Seriously, if Taddeo thought I had baggage because I was a divorced chick, he’s going to have a field day about this. Worry about it later, Chrissy! There’s still more to tell him.
“I don’t think it’s gonna be as easy as that.”
“I don’t think there’s gonna be anything easy about this, especially for her. But, I want you both to be happy, and I’ll do whatever I can to make that happen because I love you.”
“I love you too, Leo, but that’s not why I said this isn’t gonna be easy.” Here we go…“I’m pretty sure, once he’s had time to deal with everything that’s happened, that Kurt’s gonna want her too.”
It’s quiet for a long time as the two of us process the millions of what-ifs shooting through our heads. He’s first to break the silence, and he does it like he’s a man on a mission.
“I’ll fly home tonight, and we’ll get married tomorrow. We’ll prove we can offer her the most stability, and if we have to, we’ll fight him for custody.”
How did I know a fight would be involved?
“Leo, if their will stayed the same, it won’t be that easy.”
“So, what are you saying?”
“I’m saying we’re gonna have to stay calm and strong for Kendall, no matter what the outcome. I won’t allow one more minute of chaos into that child’s life.”
“I understand, but are we talking about split custody here? Chrissy, are you saying he might have to be a part of our lives…forever?”
“I don’t know what I’m saying. Right now, I don’t know anything.”
I take that back. I know the familiar sick feeling brewing in my stomach. It’s telling me I’m losing Leo all over again.
After a frazzled goodbye, I set my phone down and resume my drive to Craig’s house. On the way, I play sick head games with myself like, if someone told me we could have Craig and Kelly back if I re-married Kurt, would I? And, to make this news to Kendall easier, would I break up with Leo right now? And on and on and on.
I’m the last person to arrive at the house. Kurt, Guss, and Kyle are standing in the middle of the garage talking, and Courtney and Nicole are sitting on the front porch. With both hands extended out in front of her, Nicole motions for me to go to them first. Kurt’s eyes stay worriedly focused on every step I take toward my best friends.
Focusing on Courtney, I see a sight hardly ever seen before. I bend down to comfort my problem-solving pal.
“Court, talk to me. Where’s my touchstone? C’mon, girl, I need you to guide me through this. Just like you did with Kelly. Can you do that for me?”
My typically sensible and tireless friend lifts her head up and hopelessly shakes her head.
“Court, it’s gonna be okay.”
Nicole wraps her arms around Courtney, looks up at me and says, “Kendall has no parents, how can you say that? Actually, hold on….how is it that you’re the one saying that?”
I can hardly believe it myself. How is it that, I, the emotional core of the group, am the only one not crying right now? And then I see the answer peering at me through the curtains. The same curtains her mother peered through and gave me a shaky thumbs up just a year ago.
As I motion to Kendall with my finger that I’ll be inside in a minute, I whisper to my friends, “She needs me to be strong.”
I’ve lost my shit over a missing tube of mascara before. I’ve called in sick to work because I had a zit. I literally lost twenty pounds in two months from being such an emotional wreck when I met Leo. I’ve balled my brains out over stuff that in the grand scheme of things didn’t matter. I could melt down because deep inside, I knew life wasn’t going to end over stupid shit. But life will end--well the chance at the happy one Kendall deserves anyway--if I lose my shit right now. I feel Kelly’s strength weighing heavy on my heart, and my tear ducts, and I feel the force of her thumbs up. She’s giving me what I need to take control of this situation and do what’s best for her daughter. I just know it.
Stepping away from my best friends I walk to the garage. I give Guss and Kyle quiet hugs and then speak directly to Kurt who still hasn’t taken his eyes off me.
“Do her grandparents know I’m gonna tell her?”
“Yeah. Kelly’s mom is at the funeral home and Craig’s parents are at their own house. They’re a mess and don’t want to scare her.”
“Does she have any idea what’s going on?”
“I don’t think so. I brought a bunch of toys over, hoping to keep her preoccupied until you got here. She’s been so busy with them she hasn’t even noticed Craig’s not here.”
Courtney and Nicole slowly walk up and are now in the garage with the rest of the gang, and all eyes are on me. This is really happening. I’m really about to tell a four-year-old little girl, who lost her mother to cancer just ten months ago, that her father is dead.