Acceptance
December, 2001
According to all of the books I tried to read when Kelly was diagnosed with terminal cancer, there are five stages of grief. First you’ve got your denial. I imagine this is what I experienced when I turned my office at the clothing company into a medical research lab and tried to find the cure for pancreatic cancer. For a girl who never got better than a C- in Science and was told by her high school counselor that she wasn’t even qualified to chew gum, I’d say I was in serious denial. A few days into my research, I remembered how scientifically challenged I was and realized my efforts to cure Kelly were useless. All hopelessness was reinforced when Internet search after Internet search yielded the same results, “SHE’S GONNA DIE!” As you can imagine, this made me mad…really, really mad. I was kicked in the ass to the next stage, anger. For as angry and negative of a person as I am, one would think I‘d still be sitting in this stage. Surprisingly it was a short one for me. I figured since, at that point in my life, I had so many demons and lies at my disposal due to my underground relationship with Leo, it would be a better use of my time and Kelly’s time to skip anger and get right to the bargaining stage. And, that I did. “Please, God, I promise to start believing in you if you’ll just let Kelly live.” And, “Please, God, if you make the cancer go away, I won’t have another drink as long as I live.” And, “Please, God, just take me. I’m the lying cheating childless person who deserves to die, not Kelly.” God didn’t listen to me. Shocker. When Craig stopped returning my calls a few weeks before Kelly died, I knew I was out of bargaining chips, and I became pretty depressed- stage four. I was depressed, but it was weird though, because at this point the depression wasn’t about losing Kelly. One of the perks (yes, I just called it a perk) of pancreatic cancer is you get used to dealing with loss pretty quickly. It’s one of the deadliest cancers and since I already learned that way back in the denial stage, I multi-tasked and took care of my depression about losing Kelly then. The reason for the depression I was experiencing at stage four was from feeling powerless. But I kind of got lucky again with this stage. You see, because I had so much therapy with Dr. Maria about feeling powerless with Kurt for all of those years, I kind of knew how to handle it. And, thousands of dollars of therapy taught me to handle it by…simply refusing to feel it. And, that I did by jumping into the fifth stage, acceptance. Acceptance was peaceful, and I was glad to have quickly arrived. My journey through the five stages of grief was very strange- Mostly because I was already at the end of the stages when everyone else was just beginning. I guess it explains why I could deliver Kelly’s eulogy without freaking out. I guess it’s why I could take care of Nicole and Courtney in Mexico. I guess it explains why Kelly’s death immediately made me want to take risks…live life…find love.
That old saying, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, is super true. And, since I know this so well from personal experience, I know I’ll eventually get to the acceptance stage of what Kurt just unexpectedly showed up to my cottage to tell me. The difference this time though is I’ll probably arrive at acceptance at the same time as everyone else.
I was on the phone with Leo. He and Taddeo had been hard at work rebuilding the Hedge Fund business, and the work officially started when they renamed it, T.L. Capital. Hearing that Leo’s initial was now in the title made me think his stint in New York was going to be longer than the four or five months he promised. But when I nervously asked if I should change his mailing address, he said “Baby, like I said, I’m coming home.” He was still on target to open up a west coast division of the business in March. I was relieved to know that my drugs would be back at my disposal in three months. It was during my explanation of comparing being with him to injecting heroin that the walls started vibrating.
“I’m serious Leo! Heroin is like taking the best orgasm you’ve ever had and multiplying it by like…a billion, and you’re still nowhere near how good it makes you feel! Yep, you’re like my heroin! I tried you once and now I’m addicted for life!”
His deep and sexy laugh makes me want to crawl into the phone and end up in his mouth!
“But Chrissy, have you ever tried heroin?”
“Well no, but-”
The pounding startled me so much that I let out a little scream.
“What’s wrong?”
“Someone’s at the door.”
“What the hell? It’s ten at night!”
I thought the same thing and it scared me. There are only two reasons for a ten-at-night door pounding; a booty call or a scare-the-wits-out-of-you emergency. Seeing as though my booty call is currently an airplane ride away, I knew the night was about to take a turn for the worse.
“CHRISSY, OPEN THE DOOR! PLEASE, I NEED YOU!”
That’s Kurt’s voice. Oh shit, he found out about the engagement! But how?
“Talk to me. What’s going on over there, baby?”
Remember Chrissy, you made a vow…no more lies.
“I don’t know, Leo. I think it’s…I think it’s Kurt.”
“Open the door and put him on the phone.”
“Seriously? There’s no way I’m…”
“OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR AND PUT HIM ON THE PHONE!”
You know what? Leo has every right to be mad, and I think this time I need to let him handle his anger directly with Kurt. I wonder though…would I be thinking so rationally if the ass-kicking had the potential to be anything more than a verbal one? Uhhhhh, that would be a BIG, no! Honest to God, I fear the day these guys have a face-to-face encounter. I don’t think either of them could hold back the urge to punch, and the thought of them hurting each other is too much to bear. Reaching for the door handle, I think…until then, let the verbal war begin.
Nothing could’ve prepared me for what I saw when I opened the door. There was Kurt, trembling, with tears streaming down his face and large pools of dried blood covering his sweat-drenched shirt. I dropped the phone at the same time Kurt dropped to the ground. Yes, I knew the night was about to take a turn for the worse when I heard the pounding, but there was absolutely nothing that could’ve prepared me for how bad a turn the night- no, scratch that. There was absolutely nothing that could’ve prepared me for how big of a turn my life was about to take when Kurt opened his mouth and starting screaming.