Again
December, 2001
My eyes crack open to the sun piercing through my sheer curtains and my mind goes right to the dream I just woke from.
There I was at Chili’s with my big platter of fried appetizers and my bottomless fountain drink. Like usual, disgustingly fat patrons with their obnoxiously loud children were strewn about the joint. Like usual, the losers from my old high school days in Freakmont delivered food to me, and like usual I was supposed to meet Kelly. Only this time, she didn’t show up.
I hear the coffee pot signal it’s ready and for a second I wonder why it went off so early. But then I suddenly remember and my heart sinks. I thought I had already gone through hell and back with the Kelly stuff, the affair, the lies, the divorce, the….oh, you get my point. But, here I am, back in hell. This time though, I’m scared I’m not going to make it back. This is literally going to be the longest and most painful day of my life.
After a laborious brush of the teeth and a long-drawn-out sigh at my worn-out reflection in the mirror from having stayed up most of the night, I grab my old lime green French terry robe and set out to try and get everything straight. My coffee cup, already poured and prepared just the way I like it, is waiting for me on the kitchen counter. After a short search, because my cottage is only six hundred square feet, I find Kurt on the deck. He’s shirtless and staring at the partially frozen creek below.
“Kurt…you’re freezing. Why don’t you just put it on?”
Last night, after calming him down enough to tell me what had happened and then him calming me down enough to absorb the news, I helped him out of his shirt. It was only serving as a horrible reminder of what he just went through. I offered him one of Leo’s old shirts that I sleep in almost every night of the week, but he was quick to say, “No f*cking way. Get it out of my face.” I suppose I would’ve had the same reaction if he offered me one of Kayla’s bras. Even though he didn’t snap at me for making the offer again right now, the look on his face is saying the same thing he said last night.
“Then here…take my robe.”
“Chrissy, I don’t need the robe. I can’t feel anything.”
I remember that same numb feeling when Courtney and Nicole broke the news to me about Kelly. You think it’s going to last forever, but it passes…as you pass through the stages of grief.
Gently taking hold of his arm, “Come on, Kurt, let’s go inside. We have a lot to talk about and it’s too cold to do it out here.”
Leo was remarkably calm last night. It took about fifteen minutes for me to pick up the receiver that I dropped to the ground when I saw Kurt. But when I did, he was still on the other end of it. He told me he heard every word that Kurt spoke and while he was obviously frustrated about my ex-husband standing shirtless in front of me, he didn’t feel like it was the right time to be angry about it. He asked if I wanted him to come home and help me, but I told him to stay put until I knew what I needed help with. This is exactly what Kurt and I have to figure out this morning. After two pots of coffee and two hours of back and forth phone calls between Craig’s parents, Kelly’s mom, Courtney and Nicole and their husbands, I think we have a tentative plan.
“So, I’ll go and pick her up tonight. That’ll give you and everyone else time to make the arrangements.”
“What are you gonna tell her?”
My own courage catches me by surprise, “The truth.”
“Jesus, how is she gonna be able to handle that?”
“She won’t. That’s why, first thing tomorrow, I’ll call Dr. Maria.”
“She’s a marriage counselor. What the hell is she gonna be able to do?”
“Please don’t snap at me! I’m just as confused and upset as you are right now!”
“I’m sorry… I don’t know what I’m…” And then his tears let loose again. It’s a sight that’s so foreign to me that I still don’t exactly know how to act when it happens. I gently put my hand on his bare shoulder to soothe him.
“I’m sorry too. Look, I’m not sure if Dr. Maria’s qualified to handle this kind of situation, but she’ll know someone who can. That’s a good start, right?”
Vigorously rubbing his face with his hands, “And then what?”
“I guess we have to talk to a lawyer and the sooner the better. We have to initiate some kind of stability…we have to give everyone some answers.”
“So…we’re leading the charge on this?”
Even though I’m scared to death, I can tell he’s more scared. So scared…that I think I’m the one actually leading the charge on this.
“It’s the responsibility we signed up for.”
Realizing that I’m losing him to the first stage of grief-denial, I put my hand back on his shoulder to bring him back to the hand we were dealt.
“Kurt, look at me…I’m pretty sure everyone’s relying on us to figure this out.”
Staring at each other like two people who just got stranded on a deserted island with no possibility of a rescue, I hesitantly continue.
“I think we have first right of refusal on this, or maybe we don’t have any choice at all in what happens. As far as I know, their will stayed the same, but I don’t really know what that means. Do you?”
“No.” Now it’s his hand that touches my knee. “But, what do you want to happen?”
Without hesitation, “I want her.”
Still stunned and still shirtless, Kurt left my cottage at two in the afternoon with plans to meet me and the rest of the gang at Craig’s house later that afternoon. I’m supposed to bring Kendall back to my cottage and everyone else will stay to make the funeral arrangements. Now I know why Kelly didn’t show up in my dream last night. She was busy welcoming her husband, Craig, to the place she’s called home for the last ten months.