My Worst Nightmare
January, 2002
The room is silent, but I can almost hear the clicking of twenty shocked eyeballs shifting between the two men as Kurt and Leo come face-to-face.
Since Leo has already met Guss and Kyle, his eyes impulsively zoom in on Kurt, the husband he’s heard so much about, but never seen in person. When their eyes lock, Kurt’s stance becomes noticeably rigid. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Guss shift slightly toward Kurt and give Kyle an eye roll to do the same. Their ridiculousness triggers my own eye roll.
“Hey, girls…why don’t the two of you go over there and tell the Cobra Kai’s to stand down. We’re all grown-ups here, maybe we should start acting like ones.” Dr. Maria, and I guess now, Dr. Vikki, would be so proud.
As if it’s my twenty-ninth surprise birthday party all over again, my best friends, sans Kelly this time of course, make a beeline for Kurt to try and engage him in meaningless conversation so I can have an important one with Leo.
I thought I knew how much I missed him. But, seeing him in the flesh stirs something inside of me. The same something that stirred the first time I laid eyes on him and every other time since. Forgetting for a moment that Kurt’s eyes are probably glued to the back of my head, impulsively, I walk toward my drug.
Things have been so confusing since Leo and I got back together last March. I had a bout of insecurity about our age difference and a stint of fear of exposing just how normal and boring I can actually be on a regular basis. There was his uncomfortable first encounter with Kendall, the fight between Taddeo and me at my birthday party fiasco, and then the one between him and Taddeo right after my birthday party fiasco. There was the uneasy introduction of him to my best friends and their husbands. Then, after that, there was the shock and chaos of 9/11, Leo’s spontaneous career move that kept him in New York and, of course, the marriage proposal that I feared was a bit sudden.
It isn’t until I’m a few steps away from him that his eyes finally shift from Kurt’s to my own and it worries me. But, hearing his poised voice whisper, “Hi, baby” calms my rattled nerves. And magically, when he wraps his arms around me, all of the confusion of the last nine months disappears.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”
“Why didn’t you ask me to?”
Duh, obviously I didn’t want my old life and my new life to collide.
“I’m sorry. Everything just happened so fast.”
After he glances back at Kurt, “Are you sure that’s it?”
Pulling away and trying to play it cool, “What do you mean?”
He doesn’t have to say a word. His eyes have this mystical ability to speak for him.
“Leo, this has nothing to do with Kurt. This is a memorial service for my friend, and if the two of you can’t put aside whatever it is you have to put aside to make this day be about what it’s supposed to be about, then you’re both a couple of numb nuts.”
“I can do that…for you.” And then he pulls me back into his chest and whispers, “Is it inappropriate to tell you how beautiful you look and that I can’t wait to be alone with you?”
Smiling from ear to ear, “A little bit.” The time alone with him is way over-due, but I need to remind him of something more important and I pull away from his chest to do just that. “I have to pick up Kendall on the way home. I’m sorry, but I don’t think there’s much alone time in our future.”
“All that matters is that I’m with you guys. I’ve missed you so much.” And, with his eyes squarely concentrated on Kurt’s, he kisses me on the forehead before he pulls me back into his chest.
I ask Leo how he even knew the memorial was today. We haven’t talked for days…long before it was even organized.
“Yesterday, when I couldn’t get in touch with you again, I had enough with the not knowing what’s going on. I called the studio and Megan told me about it. So, I flew in.”
“But, I just saw her two hours ago, why didn’t she tell me she talked to you?”
“I told her I wanted to surprise you and asked her to keep it a secret.”
Trying to be cute and coy, “I’m not so sure I like you having secrets with Megan. She used to have a huge crush on you, you know.”
“Yeah well, I don’t like you being in the same room with your ex-husband. Looks like both of us have to put aside our annoyances for the day.”
Cute and coy sure backfired. I tenderly hold up his hands to about mid-chest height, kiss them and tell him how sorry I am for his annoyance and that I’ll do whatever I can to make it up to him. His head tilts down to kiss my hand in return and that’s when all hell breaks loose.
“Chrissy, where’s your ring?”
Holy…shitballs. Leo’s staring at my ring finger and instead of looking at the whopping diamond ring he spent more money on than he has in his bank account; he’s looking at the fifty-five dollar Banana Republic ring he bought for me three and a half years ago. I am soooooo screwed. Either I lie and break the honesty vow that so far I’ve done an impressive job of keeping or I tell the truth and get murdered. Both options put this relationship in jeopardy.
A little louder now. “Chrissy, where’s the ring?”
Leave it to Nicole to start a fire, “What ring?”
I look up and see the entire gang, including Kurt, staring at me. Sensing I’m struggling with an answer, Leo, who now grasps the fact that I’m hiding the wedding from my friends, looks right at Kurt and answers for me.
“Her engagement ring.”
Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Speaking gravely slow, Kurt looks at me and asks, “You’re getting married?”
Then, Nicole and Courtney say in unison, “ALREADY?”
I swear. It’s like I have back-up singers wherever I go. Leo directs my attention back to his face. “I swear to God, if you answer him before you answer me, it’s over.”
I’m in total shock! Leo’s seriously threatening me with a break up if I so much as address Kurt’s question! And, I guess thank God for the shock, because I don’t even know how to answer either one of their questions!
Kurt puts down his drink and very cynically says, “Answer me first then, Chrissy.”
Closing my eyes, I think, Oh, Kurt. Why? Why did you have to say that?
Letting go of my hands, Leo takes a step toward Kurt. “What the hell did you just say?”
Kurt, Guss and Kyle all take a step toward Leo, and my heart literally jumps out of my chest. This has been my worst nightmare since the morning after I met Leo at Buckley’s. The love triangle I created and the jealousies I stirred up would only result in one thing if Kurt and Leo ever came face-to-face: a fight.
I had outlined a list of possible outcomes for myself the moment I knew I was in love with Leo, and because I feared what would happen if my husband and him ever met, number three on that list was the only sensible option: Divorce Kurt and break up with Leo. Back then I knew I had to end it with both of them in order to avoid a moment like this and right now I wish so badly I had had the courage to do that. I cannot bear to see either one of them get hurt. And dammit…looking at their size and their anger and knowing their pride…someone is about to get very, very hurt.
“STOP! Leo come back! We’ll leave and talk about this at home!”
So calm it has me more worried than I was two seconds ago, he says, “No. If he has something to say, he should say it.” And then all of the men take another step toward each other.
“Courtney, Nicole! Make them stop!”
My friends scramble to their husbands and urge both of them to let Kurt and Leo handle this on their own. If it wasn’t for Kurt telling Kyle and Guss to listen to their wives, I know they wouldn’t have. Now just a few feet away from each other, Leo asks Kurt a different, although just as provoking question, “Do you have a problem?”
“Hey man, no problem here. I mean, I’m not the one who sleeps with married women.”
“Can’t help it if I’m the one married women want to sleep with.”
If the floor were made of sand, I’d bury my head in it.
“Are you f*cking kidding me with this? You hear that Chrissy? Sounds like maybe you’re not the only one. Why don’t you tell us Romeo, how many others are there?”
Cool as a cucumber, Leo doesn’t back down. “None. She’s it for me.” And now one step closer, “And I think you need to start accepting the fact that I’m it for her.”
Oh my God, I can’t take this anymore. “LEO! STOP THIS! We’ve all been through enough over the last four years. This isn’t making things better!”
Eyes blazing with rage, Leo turns to address me. “Remember Chrissy, I didn’t start this. You did by not telling me you were married, and now it looks like he doesn’t want to end it.” Then, without warning, Kurt taps Leo on the shoulder, says “You’re right, I don’t,” and then sucker punches him on the chin. There’s nothing my hundred-and-ten-pound-body can do to stop the almost four hundred pounds of force aimed at each other. My screams for them to stop the insanity go unnoticed and with each punch my heart is electrocuted. I close my eyes so I don’t have to look, but I’m tortured by the sound. My hands press firmly over my eyes as I scream uncontrollably for them to stop. Desperate, I run outside to Guss and Kyle and beg them to do something.
“We will, Chrissy, but Kurt said he wanted five minutes.”
Staring widely at them, “LEO COULD KILL HIM IN FIVE MINUTES!”
Alone, I run back inside and find Leo straddling Kurt, but I turn away as fast as possible so I don’t have to see what’s happening. I scramble to the beverage table and one-by-one start throwing bottles of wine on the wall behind them, screaming at the top of my lungs, “YOU’RE KILLING ME!” over and over again. The shards of glass hit both of them and within seconds they scramble to get out of the way. Just then Guss and Kyle run back into the room and help Kurt to his feet. His cheek and chin are already showing signs of black and blue, his left eye has a deep cut, and is already swollen. His shirt is ripped, his hands are bloody, and he’s clearly still full of rage. Guss and Kyle tell him to calm the f*ck down and take him outside.
Leo doesn’t appear any different from Kurt and from the looks of things, I’d say the fight was a draw. Unable to move from my bottle throwing spot, I crouch down into a ball and do my best to find a happy place in my mind. Courtney and Nicole rush over to console me, but Leo’s quick to peacefully say, “I’ll take care of her.”
“Come on, baby. It’s over.”
Helping me to my feet, I mumble things like, “Why?” and “Please don’t hurt anyone” and “Make it stop.”
As if enough unfortunate things haven’t already happened in Craig and Kelly’s house, I numbly stare at the broken wine-stained family pictures on the wall. Quivering, I turn to Leo and say, “Look at what you made me do.” Sensing I’m on the precipice of completely crumbling, he picks me up and carries me to the car.