Tousled
January, 2001
The drive back to the cottage was quiet, the only sound coming from Leo’s hand on the fabric of my pants as he rubbed my leg to comfort me. It didn’t help. My nerves only started to calm once I was on my couch and sucking down a cup of the magic tea Kurt brought back from Nepal.
“Chrissy, please talk to me.”
I love him so much, and I hate that he got hurt too, but I’m so upset I can barely look at him.
“I have to go get Kendall.”
“I called Megan and told them they should take her out to dinner. I said you were upset about the memorial…we have some time to talk.”
Dazed, I look at him over the rim of my cup. “Upset?”
Dropping to his knees, he takes the cup and places it on the table. Then, with his bruised hand, he shifts my face to look at him.
“Chrissy, you can’t be mad at me for defending myself.”
My eyes well up as fragments of the nightmare that just came to life before me flicker through my mind. “You could’ve just walked away…let him be the bad guy.”
“That’s not how it works, baby. Guys aren’t wired that way. If someone hits, you have to hit back.”
“Leo, you guys didn’t hit, you destroyed…and for what? Kurt and I are divorced. You and I are getting married. What the hell is there to fight about? The dust was supposed to have been settled.”
Suddenly remembering that he has every right to be mad at me too, he takes his hand away from my chin.
“Oh yeah, Chrissy? If the dust was so settled, why’d you hide your ring from all of them?”
“I guess the engagement just happened so fast for me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I want to marry you, Leo. It’s all I’ve wanted since the moment I met you. But, I felt like it was just one more thing I’d have to explain…defend almost. I’ve been explaining and defending myself to those people for four years. I just wanted more time in a peaceful place. They just met you for God sakes and I knew this would be hard for them.”
“Be honest, Chrissy. This wasn’t about them, it was about Kurt. You were putting his feelings ahead of mine, again.”
Be honest, be honest, be honest. Why the F does everything require so much damn honesty?
“Okay, fine. I didn’t want to hurt him.” Trying to grab his leg as he stands, “But, Leo! You have to understand! He just lost Craig…he’s worried about Kendall! It’s a lot for someone to have to deal with. I didn’t want one more thing for him to…” Oh, crap. I went too far.
“To what? To have to worry about? If all of that dust is supposed to have settled, tell me this Chrissy…why would he have to worry about you getting married?”
Walking to the bathroom to shower the blood off of his body, Leo divulges what I didn’t want to admit to myself, “The dust isn’t settled and you know it.” And then the door slams shut.
I thought I had let Kurt go. After his motorcycle accident, when I begged him to move on…to try and find the love that I had found, I truly thought I left my concern for his happiness behind. I ended my therapy with Dr. Maria with the awareness that my life was starting over. What went wrong? I’m not in love with Kurt anymore, so why do I always find myself back in this space of caring about him? Reaching for my newest addiction, the Nepalese tea, I suck it down and think…maybe I need to pay my old therapist a visit.
Leo exits the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Despite the major bruising up and down the left side of his rib cage, the red and swollen knuckles and the large cut on his chin, he’s a beautiful man…inside and out. He has never been anything but honest and loyal and loving to me. Will I ever allow myself to be happy with him? Is it even possible for us to be at peace now that all of this guardianship crap exists? If the dust hasn’t settled between Kurt and me, how will it ever even have a chance to with our joint responsibility of Kendall? Yep, I definitely think this psychotically challenged woman has to put aside her pride and call her old friend, Dr. Maria.
“Tell me what you’re thinking?”
“I’m scared.”
“Of what? You know I’ll never let anything happen to you.”
“I’m scared I’m gonna lose you.”
Wrapping his arms around me, “Baby, I might be pissed off right now, but I’m not an idiot. We didn’t come this far to let that happen.” Lifting my chin up with his hand, “Remember…I’ll always be where I know you are.”
“Even if that means I’m at Kurt’s house every few days doing a transfer of Kendall?”
The look on his face screams, you should probably be scared of losing me if that happens.
“Leo, I’m gonna be honest with you.” And why not? If everyone’s throwing punches today, I may as well join in. “He wants her just as much as I do and probably more now after tonight’s boxing match. I’m sorry, but it looks like as long as Kendall’s in my life, Kurt will be too.” In barely a whisper, “If you want the ring back, I understand.”
“Are you kidding me? If I could solder that metal to your finger I would! Chrissy, we’ll figure this out and if it makes you feel better, I won’t hit back if he takes any more swings at me. I’ll just use them to my advantage in court when I try to get us sole custody of Kendall.”
Although he’s trying to lighten the mood, I know he means it. I have to be serious and let him know where I stand on this. Nothing is about me anymore and what I might stand to lose, everything is about Kendall and all that she has to gain.
“Leo, you have to understand something. Kurt was her Dad’s best friend, and he’s just as close to her as I am. He’s also one of the few ties to her parents’ that exists. I have the stories of her mother to tell her, but he’s the one with the stories she’ll need to hear about her father. I know it’s not what you wanna hear, but I want Kendall to be around Kurt as much as she wants to be.”
“Let me get this straight. After how loyal I’ve shown you I am and even though I’m willing to marry you tomorrow and be the best father in the world to her, you’re not even gonna try to get sole custody?”
All I can do is shake my head.
“Then I guess there’s a lot more dust than I bargained for.”
So scared I feel like I can hear my tea cup trembling, “What are you saying?”
“I’m gonna take the red-eye back to New York tonight. Kendall will be here in an hour and I don’t want her to see me like this.”
“Leo, what do you mean… more than you bargained for?”
“Dammit, Chrissy, it’s so opposite of who I am to have some kind of working relationship with a guy you used to love. If we’re being honest here…Then, yeah a part of me wants to walk away from this.”
Oh my God. He’s slipping away.
“I under-”
“Let me finish. But I know I can’t because you’re like my drug too. I have to dig deep and find a way to deal with this.”
For the first time ever, Leo’s vulnerability does little to calm my nerves. I fear that our relationship is once again on life support.
And with that, he walks into the bathroom to get rid of his towel and then into the bedroom to get dressed.
I stagger into the bathroom for some tissue. Wanting nothing to change until Leo returns home again, I gently push his disheveled towel aside on the bar, careful not to disturb its wet and tousled state.