Adrenaline and mounting anger sharpened my tone.
“Nothing! There’s nothing wrong with me! I wash your fucking clothes, I iron your fucking pants, I cook, I clean, I…”
“That’s your job! That’s what you’re here to do!”
“I’m NOT a fucking servant!”
“You’re being hysterical, Caroline, I think…”
“I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think, David! I’m tired of you bullying me, putting me down, patronizing me, treating me like some sort of simpleton. I was supposed to be a partner in this relationship – that’s what I signed up for. Not this!”
“You’re acting like a child, Caroline.”
“Then stop fucking treating me like one! I’m thirty fucking years old!”
“And please stop using that vile language.”
“Aaaaaaaagh!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. For a moment he actually looked scared.
Then he stood up abruptly and forcefully shoved the lasagna and salad away from him. The plate slid right across the kitchen table and crashed to the floor, sending a shower of steaming hot sauce and scalding vegetables over my bare feet and legs.
I cried out and jumped back, trying to scrub off the burning food.
“You bastard,” I screamed at him. “You fucking bastard!”
He looked shocked.
“Caroline… I… I didn’t mean for that to… are you hurt?”
I ran to the sink, trying to splash cold water over my burning legs and feet.
“Caroline!”
Tears sprang to my eyes and my voice was shrill.
“Go away, David. Leave me alone.”
Instead, he hovered guiltily while I cleaned myself up in silence. The hot food had left blotchy, red burn marks down my thighs and shins and across the front of my feet. I thought I’d got the hot sauce off quickly enough to prevent any blistering or real damage.
David watched me helplessly. It was clear he hadn’t a clue what to say or do. Just as long as he didn’t try to touch me: if he did, I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions. The great doctor didn’t even offer to get the First Aid kit.
Carefully, I rubbed large dollops of antiseptic cream over my legs and, without a single glance in his direction, I left the room. The pool of lasagna was still spread out over the floor like a crime scene.
I walked upstairs stiffly and lay down on the bed in my room. I wanted to curl into a tight ball but my skin was too tender to stretch like that. Instead I lay on my back and stared at the ceiling. David had never ever hurt me before – not physically. I knew it was an accident but the hate I felt for him at that moment raged through me. All the years of being belittled and bullied, all the times he’d made feel stupid and inadequate, it all came boiling up inside.
The fury I’d felt when Brenda had flirted too openly with Sebastian was nothing, an insignificant annoyance, compared to the way I felt now.
I was glad I was having an affair behind his back. I was glad I’d taken a younger man into his bed. I was delighted thinking of the humiliation he’d suffer when he finally knew the truth. I wanted to yell it into his face and watch his whole fucking world fall apart.
Even after I heard the front door slam and his car screech out of the driveway, I continued to imagine the fierce joy I’d feel when I finally told him what a pathetic little man he truly was.
I lay on the bed as the house sank into darkness. Outside I could hear the small sounds of the day’s end, people’s lives continuing down the same, certain paths. I’d been like that once: moving from hour to hour, sleepwalking down a road that had been chosen for me – not awake, not aware.
It was all ashes and dust.