The conversation was over. Patsy felt totally alone, but the next week she made an appointment with a marriage counselor. After three sessions, the counselor called Pete and asked if he would be willing to come in to talk about his perspective on their marriage. Pete agreed, and the process of healing began. Six months later, they left the counselor’s office with a new marriage.
I said to Pete and Patsy, “What did you learn in counseling that turned your marriage around?”
“In essence, Dr. Chapman,” Pete said, “we learned to speak each other’s love language. The counselor did not use that term, but as you gave the lecture today, the lights came on. My mind raced back to our counseling experience, and I realized that’s exactly what happened to us. We finally learned to speak each other’s love language.”
“So what is your love language, Pete?” I asked.
“Physical touch,” he said without hesitation.
“Physical touch for sure,” said Patsy.
“And yours, Patsy?”
“Quality time, Dr. Chapman. That’s what I was crying for in those days while he was spending all his time with his job and his computer.”
“How did you learn physical touch was Pete’s love language?”
“It took a while,” Patsy said. “Little by little, it began to come out in the counseling. At first, I don’t think Pete even realized it.”
“She’s right,” Pete said. “I was so insecure in my own sense of self-worth that it took forever for me to be willing to identify and acknowledge that her lack of touch had caused me to withdraw. I never told her I wanted to be touched, although I was crying inside for her to reach out and touch me. In our dating relationship, I had always taken the initiative in hugging, kissing, and holding hands, but she had always been responsive. I felt she loved me, but after we got married, there were times I reached out to her physically and she was not responsive. Maybe with her new job responsibilities, she was too tired. I don’t know, but I took it personally. I felt she didn’t find me attractive. Then I decided I would not take the initiative because I didn’t want to be rejected. So I waited to see how long it would be before she’d initiate a kiss or a touch or sexual intercourse. Once I waited for six weeks before she touched me at all. I found it unbearable. My withdrawal was to stay away from the pain I felt when I was with her. I felt rejected, unwanted, and unloved.”
Then Patsy said, “I had no idea that was what he was feeling. I knew he was not reaching out to me. We were not kissing and hugging as we had done earlier, but I just assumed that since we were married, that was not as important to him now. I knew he was under pressure with his job. I had no idea he wanted me to take the initiative.
“I would go weeks without touching him. It didn’t cross my mind. I was preparing meals, keeping the house clean, doing the laundry, and trying to stay out of his way. I honestly didn’t know what else I could be doing. I could not understand his withdrawal or his lack of attention to me. It’s not that I dislike touching; it just was never that important to me. Spending time with me is what made me feel loved and appreciated, giving me attention. It really didn’t matter whether we hugged or kissed. As long as he gave me his attention, I felt loved.
“It took us a long time to discover the root of the problem, but once we discovered we were not meeting each other’s emotional need for love, we began to turn things around. Once I began to take the initiative in giving him physical touch, it’s amazing what happened. His personality, his spirit changed drastically. I had a new husband. Once he became convinced I really did love him, then he began to become more responsive to my needs.”
Pete is only one of many individuals for whom physical touch is the primary love language. Emotionally, they yearn for their spouse to reach out and touch them physically. Running the hand through the hair, giving a back rub, holding hands, embracing, sexual intercourse—all of those and other “love touches” are the emotional lifeline of the person for whom physical touch is the primary love language.
YOUR TURN
Recall some nonsexual “touching times” that enhanced intimacy between the two of you. What made these times special?
If your spouse’s love language is Physical Touch:
1. As you walk from the car to go shopping, reach out and hold your spouse’s hand.
2. While eating together, let your knee or foot drift over and touch your spouse.
3. Walk up to your spouse and say, “Have I told you lately that I love you?” Take her in your arms and hug her while you rub her back and continue. “You are the greatest!” (Resist the temptation to rush to the bedroom.) Untangle yourself and move on to the next thing.
4. While your spouse is seated, walk up behind her and give her a shoulder massage.
5. When you sit together in church, when the minister calls for prayer, reach over and hold your spouse’s hand.
6. Initiate sex by giving your spouse a foot massage. Continue to other parts of the body as long as it brings pleasure to your spouse.