“MARRIAGE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY”
Since my first visit to West Palm Beach, Florida, many years ago, I have always welcomed invitations to lead marriage seminars in that area. It was on one such occasion I met Pete and Patsy. They were not native to Florida (few are), but they had lived there for twenty years and called West Palm Beach home. My seminar was sponsored by a local church, and as we drove from the airport, the pastor informed me Pete and Patsy had requested I spend the night at their house. I tried to act excited, but knew from experience that such a request usually meant a late-night counseling session.
As the pastor and I entered the spacious, well-decorated, Spanish-style house, I was introduced to Patsy and to Charlie, the family cat. Pete came home shortly, and we had a delightful snack together and agreed we would have dinner after the seminar. Several hours later while sharing dinner, I kept waiting for the counseling session to begin. It never did. Instead, I found Pete and Patsy to be a healthy, happily married couple. For a counselor, that is an oddity. The next day, as we were driving to the airport, forty-five minutes away, Pete and Patsy shared their story. In the early years of their marriage, they had tremendous difficulties. They had grown up in the same community, attended the same church, and graduated from the same high school. Their parents had similar lifestyles and values. Pete and Patsy enjoyed many of the same things. They both liked tennis and boating, and they often talked about how many interests they held in common. They seemed to possess all the commonalities that are supposed to assure fewer conflicts in marriage.
They began dating in their senior year in high school. They attended separate colleges but saw each other frequently, and were married three weeks after he received his degree in business and she a degree in sociology. Two months later, they moved to Florida where Pete had been offered a good job. They were two thousand miles from their nearest relative. They could enjoy a “honeymoon” forever. The first three months were exciting—moving, finding a new apartment, enjoying life together.
They were about six months into the marriage when Patsy began to feel Pete withdrawing from her. He was working longer hours, and when he was at home, he spent considerable time with the computer. When she finally expressed her feelings that he was avoiding her, Pete told her he was not avoiding her but simply trying to stay on top of his job. He said she didn’t understand the pressure he was under and how important it was that he do well in his first year on the job. Patsy wasn’t pleased, but she decided to give him space.
Patsy began to develop friendships with other wives who lived in the apartment complex. Often when she knew Pete was going to work late, she would go shopping with one of her friends instead of going straight home after work. Sometimes she was not at home when Pete arrived. That annoyed him greatly, and he accused her of being thoughtless and irresponsible. Patsy retorted, “Who is irresponsible? You don’t even call me and let me know when you will be home. How can I be here for you when I don’t even know when you will be here? And when you are here, you spend all your time with that dumb computer. You don’t need a wife; all you need is a computer!”
To which Pete loudly responded, “I do need a wife. Don’t you understand? That’s the whole point. I do need a wife.”
But Patsy did not understand. She was extremely confused. In her search for answers, she went to the public library and checked out several books on marriage. “Marriage is not supposed to be this way,” she reasoned. “I have to find an answer to our situation.” When Pete went to the computer room, Patsy would pick up her book. In fact on many evenings, she read until midnight. On his way to bed, Pete would notice her and make sarcastic comments such as, “If you read that much in college, you would have made straight As.” Patsy would respond, “I’m not in college. I’m in marriage, and right now, I’d be satisfied with a C.” Pete went to bed without so much as a second glance.
At the end of the first year, Patsy was desperate. She had mentioned it before, but this time she calmly said to Pete, “I am going to find a marriage counselor. Do you want to go with me?”
But Pete answered, “I don’t need a marriage counselor. I don’t have time to go to a marriage counselor. I can’t afford a marriage counselor.”
“Then I’ll go alone,” said Patsy.
“Fine, you’re the one who needs counseling anyway.”