It still doesn’t come naturally to Janie, but she deliberately speaks Ben’s love language now. “If he comes into the kitchen, I will pat him first or touch his shoulder when I walk by,” she said. “Immediately, when I made the change, the perceived clinginess subsided. The more I made an effort to meet his need, the less consuming it was to me.”
Once you discover physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination on ways to express love. Coming up with new ways and places to touch can be an exciting challenge. If you have not been an “under-the-table toucher,” you might find it will add a spark to your dining out. If you are not accustomed to holding hands in public, you may find you can fill your spouse’s emotional love tank as you stroll through the parking lot. If you don’t normally kiss as soon as you get into the car together, you may find it will greatly enhance your travels. Hugging your spouse before she goes shopping may not only express love, it may bring her home sooner. Try new touches in new places and let your spouse give you feedback on whether he finds it pleasurable or not. Remember, he has the final word. You are learning to speak his language.
Just as important as learning physical touch is your spouse’s love language may be the discovery that it is not. This was certainly the case for Vince and his wife, Audrey, who is active duty. Vince’s primary love language is physical touch, but it barely registers on Audrey’s list at all. “I often find myself becoming extremely jealous of the guys around her because, of course, in the military there are so many,” said Vince. “In the past my heart soured at the thought of the lack of physical touch I received, but now I understand what fills my ‘love tank’ doesn’t fill hers. So when she does go out of her way to offer me some sort of physical touch, it means so much more. Instead of being jealous and wondering how on earth she could not want my physical touch, thinking she must want someone else’s, I now get it. I get that she isn’t looking toward someone else for that physical touch, she just doesn’t require it.”
THE BODY IS FOR TOUCHING
Whatever there is of me resides in my body. To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally. In our society shaking hands is a way of communicating openness and social closeness to another individual. When on rare occasions one man refuses to shake hands with another, it communicates a message that things are not right in their relationship. All societies have some form of physical touching as a means of social greeting. The average American male may not feel comfortable with the European bear hug and kiss, but in Europe that serves the same function as our shaking hands.
There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to touch members of the opposite sex in every society. The recent attention to sexual harassment has highlighted the inappropriate ways. Within marriage, however, what is appropriate and inappropriate touching is determined by the couple themselves, within certain broad guidelines. Physical abuse is of course deemed inappropriate by society, and social organizations have been formed to help “the battered wife and the battered husband.” Clearly our bodies are for touching, but not for abuse.
This age is characterized as the age of sexual openness and freedom. With that freedom, we have demonstrated that the open marriage where both spouses are free to have sexual intimacies with other individuals is fanciful. Those who do not object on moral grounds eventually object on emotional grounds. Something about our need for intimacy and love does not allow us to give our spouse such freedom. The emotional pain is deep and intimacy evaporates when we are aware our spouse is involved with someone else sexually. Counselors’ files are filled with records of husbands and wives who are trying to grapple with the emotional trauma of an unfaithful spouse. That trauma, however, is compounded for the individual whose primary love language is physical touch. That for which he longs so deeply—love expressed by physical touch—is now being given to another. His emotional love tank is not only empty; it has been riddled by an explosion. It will take massive repairs for those emotional needs to be met.
CRISIS AND PHYSICAL TOUCH
Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why? Because physical touch is a powerful communicator of love. In a time of crisis, more than anything, we need to feel loved. We cannot always change events, but we can survive if we feel loved.
All marriages will experience crises. The death of parents is inevitable. Automobile accidents cripple and kill thousands each year. Disease is no respecter of persons. Disappointments are a part of life. The most important thing you can do for your mate in a time of crisis is to love him or her. If your spouse’s primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries. Your words may mean little, but your physical touch will communicate you care. Crises provide a unique opportunity for expressing love. Your tender touches will be remembered long after the crisis has passed. Your failure to touch may never be forgotten.