For months, Meredith and Austin looked forward to his home coming from his first deployment. But the extended honeymoon feeling they had expected did not match reality. “Reintegration was tough,” said Austin. “I remember walking in the door and being overwhelmed by all the people who wanted my one-on-one attention; three little ones at my ankles, and my beautiful wife face-to-face. Being apart for so long, and not having so much attention directed at me, I struggled to give her the attention I wanted to give her.”
A given amount of time spent together after deployment may not be enough for the spouse who craves quality time, and a suffocating amount for someone else. Patience and grace are key ingredients for easing the transition. “We had to relearn how to speak our love languages in the flesh,” said Meredith. “The quality time and physical touch switches we had turned off were a bit harder to just turn back on. But after lots of tears and communication, we arrived at an even better place than before.”
If you’ve had to put your love language on hold for an extended time, you may feel anxious for your empty love tank to be filled, while at the same time, your spouse may also have a depleted love tank and their energy level may be low. The greater the need and expectation, the greater the potential for disappointments, hurts, and offense during reintegration. I encourage couples to give each other permission to ease into things and be as patient with each other as possible during this time. You may both hit a few wrong notes as you switch from playing a solo to playing a duet, but keep at it! Harmony takes practice.
Communicating love for each other during reintegration is absolutely critical. During times apart, both spouses change as individuals. Now it’s time to grow as a couple again.
People whose love languages are words of affirmation and receiving gifts tend to experience more conflict during reintegration, likely because these two languages were well-developed during separation through emails, letters, phone calls, and care packages or gifts. During reintegration, these expressions of love usually drop off—but they don’t have to. If you continue to send emails and write letters to each other, or share small gifts, if that’s your spouse’s love language, both of you will benefit. Those who have gone to support groups during deployment will find continued encouragement from the group valuable during reintegration, as well.
If your spouse’s love language is acts of service, use discernment during reintegration as to how to express this. Organizing the service member’s gear may not be welcome. Taking over the family schedule may cause resentment to the spouse at home if he or she feels it’s an indication of disapproval. I suggest you ask, “Would it be helpful to you if I … ?” Spend your energy in something that is meaningful to your spouse.
Janet, an active duty soldier herself, shared: “The hardest thing was my husband and I realizing that if I had to, I could ‘do it’ on my own. I can work, go to school, raise four children, and take care of a house without him. That’s not how we want to live, but realizing that someone you love doesn’t need you is a hard pill to swallow. We struggled adjusting because my husband felt he missed so much, he wanted to take over everything, which of course made me upset because he was uprooting the schedule that gave me and the children stability and a means of emotional survival. We had to sit down at the drawing board and come up with a new routine that was comfortable for all of us.”
COMBAT REDEPLOYMENT
When Ted was deployed to the Middle East, he found that, while driving, his mind drifted to missing his wife and children. “Then I thought, that’s going to distract me,” he recalled. “I might get ambushed. It might get me killed.” So he pushed the memories away and used emotional compartmentalization as a survival technique.
Nine months later, he expected a blissful reunion with his wife. “But when I looked at her, I just felt numb. I didn’t feel any love. I had stuffed those emotions so deep inside myself, I did not permit myself to bring them back up. It was an unconscious process.”
Three months later, Ted once again felt the love he had for his wife. For others, it may take longer for those feelings to return. The absence of romantic feelings does not mean your love has died or your marriage is doomed. Regardless of what one feels, speaking the right love language can and should still be done. (More on this in chapter 11.)