Emotional withdrawal is common for both spouses. The person who once loved quality conversation and focused attention may now have a difficult time sharing his or her heart. For the service member, part of this is an effort to protect his or her family from the experiences and memories. Bekah felt emotionally single while her husband was engulfed in his own battle with PTSD. “It’s simply self-protection,” she said. “Learning to live in a two-way marriage again has challenged me in so many ways, even now, seven years after he returned from Iraq. Still today I went back to what I learned about love languages when we ‘missed’ each other again during ‘date day’ (we no longer do date nights due to crowds). He still has a wounded heart that needs affirmation more than ever. We are growing, learning to communicate again, and, as always, it’s a process. We are imperfect in so many ways, but our heart is for the other to know they are loved.”
When Hunter’s post-traumatic stress was at its worst, physical touch became the most important thing to him. “It was his only connection to someone, and the only one he would connect with for physical touch was me,” said his wife, Kara. Hunter experienced other bodily injuries, as well, which forced him to scale back on the acts of service he could do for Kara. With her primary love language not being spoken, Kara grew resentful and burned out. She learned to receive love from Hunter in different ways, but also looked for resources for caregivers for much-needed support.
Gail’s husband, whose love language had been acts of service, needed something else upon redeployment. “After his deployment he had nightmares. We live on a large training base in Europe, so we hear a lot of loud ‘booms’ throughout the night and those really got to him for a while. I had to wake him up a lot. I could tell he was embarrassed about it, so I had to repeatedly tell him it didn’t make him weak. I had to tell him all the time how amazing he is for going through what he did. At that time, he needed words of affirmation from me more than anything.”
Rick saw three of his team killed on the same day. At the time of the event, Rick gutted through his pain and continued his job. However, two months later he started having flashbacks and nightmares. When he arrived home from deployment, his wife, Debbie, knew he was not functioning normally. She insisted he see a medical doctor. He was diagnosed with PTSD. Medication and counseling was the preferred treatment. Six months later, Rick was greatly improved.
He said, “These were the hardest months of my life. I’m sure I confused Debbie. My moods changed so quickly. One day I wanted her to hug me, but the next day I pushed her away. (My love language is physical touch.) I’m just glad she did not give up but kept speaking my love language. I love her more for putting up with my erratic behavior.”
When PTSD or traumatic brain injury is present, the love languages may shift or require adaptations, such as Bekah and her husband avoiding crowds when they spend quality time together. PTSD is a topic worthy of more space than we have here in this chapter. There are many resources for veterans and spouses dealing with combat trauma. I recommend my favorites at 5lovelanguages.com/militaryedition.
THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES?
Discovering Your
Primary Love Language
Discovering the primary love language of your spouse is essential if you are to keep their emotional love tank full. But first, let’s make sure you know your own love language. Having heard the five emotional love languages,
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch,
some individuals will know instantaneously their own primary love language and that of their spouse. For others, it will not be that easy. Some are like Marcus, whom I met at Ft. Bragg. After hearing the five emotional love languages, he said to me, “I don’t know. Two of those are just about equal for me.”
“Which two?” I inquired.
“‘Physical Touch’ and ‘Words of Affirmation,’” he responded.
“By ‘Physical Touch,’ what do you mean?”
“Well, mainly sex,” Marcus replied.
I probed a little further, asking, “Do you enjoy your wife running her hands through your hair, or giving you a back rub, or holding hands, or kissing and hugging you at times when you are not having sexual intercourse?”
“Those things are fine,” said Marcus. “I’m not going to turn them down, but the main thing is sexual intercourse. That’s when I know that she really loves me.”
Leaving the subject of physical touch for a moment, I turned to affirming words and asked, “When you say that ‘Words of Affirmation’ are also important, what kinds of statements do you find most helpful?”
“Almost anything if it’s positive,” Marcus replied. “When she tells me how good I look, how smart I am, what a hard worker I am, when she expresses appreciation for the things I do around the house, when she makes positive comments about my taking time with the children, when she tells me she loves me—all of those things really mean a lot to me.”
“Let me ask you this. If you were having quality sexual intercourse as often as you desire, but Alicia was giving you negative words, making critical remarks, sometimes putting you down in front of others, do you think you would feel loved by her?”