Secrets of a Bollywood Marriage

CHAPTER TWELVE


TINA LEANED HER head against the tile wall of her bathroom and closed her eyes. She was sick with nerves. She wanted to double over as the panic threatened to consume her.

Flapping her hands at her sides, Tina tried to gather up the last of her courage. She hadn’t been feeling very brave for the past two weeks. Not since she realized her stomachache could mean she was pregnant. Tina had been in denial ever since.

She refused to be pregnant. Refused to go through that nightmare again.

But she couldn’t ignore the symptoms anymore. She continued to fight the dizziness. The nausea came in waves. Her appetite increased and her sex drive was out of control.

Dev didn’t seem to notice or mind her symptoms. He liked how she reached out for him while they walked side by side. She held on to him, at times clung to him, relying on his strength while her world tilted. He enjoyed sharing his food with her, coaxing her closer as he fed her by hand. Dev never missed the opportunity to stroke her lips with his thumb or capture her chin so he could steal a kiss.

And the sex...Tina’s breath hitched in her throat as her skin tingled. She couldn’t get enough of Dev and he reveled in the knowledge. Encouraged it. It was as if he knew the sight of his bare chest and the scent of his skin drove her wild.

Tina rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands and groaned. She couldn’t be pregnant. She and Dev had been careful. It didn’t matter if they made love in the courtyard under the stars or indulged in fast and furious sex that took them both by surprise. Dev always used protection. Except for that one time...

She was probably pregnant, Tina admitted to herself. She pressed her trembling lips together as the fear spiked in her chest. She wanted to be a mother, but what if there were complications? What if she miscarried again? The tears trickled down her cheeks. What if she slipped into the darkness, but deeper, and this time never resurfaced?


Dev would take care of her. The thought whispered through her troubled mind. Her eyelashes fluttered as she remembered his promise. He would be there for her this time. He would care for and protect her and the baby. She knew Dev would honor his vow.

And he would insist that they stay married. Tina shook her head and sighed when the hope bubbled and fizzed inside her like champagne. She still loved her husband and wanted to stay with him. But not this way. She wouldn’t trap him into marriage again.

Tina wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hands and pushed away from the wall. Perhaps she was borrowing trouble. It was possible that she wasn’t pregnant. That her body was still recovering from the stress and changes she had suffered in the past year.

She clung to that belief as she cautiously approached the sink and grabbed the slim pregnancy test stick. Tina braced herself as she glanced at the screen. For a moment her mind didn’t register what the two pink lines meant.

Pregnant.

She was pregnant. Tina tossed the stick back on the counter as if it had burned her. A sob erupted from her throat and she clapped her hand over her mouth. It was happening all over again. He legs shook and she slowly slid to the floor. She knelt on the cold linoleum as she cried. What was she going to do? She couldn’t lose another baby.

Tina didn’t know how long she had been in that position when she heard a hard, authoritative knock on the bathroom door. Her throat was raw and her body ached. Her eyes felt red and swollen. She already felt broken and her journey had barely started.

“Tina?”

She jerked when she heard Dev’s voice. She swung her attention to the door as the handle jiggled. He could not come in here. Not when she was vulnerable and needy.

“I’m fine,” she lied, her voice wobbling. She forced herself on her feet and glanced at the mirror. She looked horrible. Her skin was tearstained and blotchy. She quickly turned on the faucet and sluiced cold water on her face.

“What’s wrong?”

Tina hesitated. A part of her wanted to tell Dev. She was tempted to lean on him and share her deepest fears. But was that wise? Would he take control of her life again?

She had to keep this a secret, Tina decided as she grabbed a towel and patted her face dry. For now. Until she was properly seen by a doctor and understood everything she was facing.

Something heavy slammed against the door and the solid wood shuddered under the weight. Tina whirled around when she heard Dev’s urgent tone from the other side. “Tina, open this door right now.”

She looked around the bathroom and found the pregnancy test stick was still on the counter. Her fingers fumbled as she snatched it and threw it in the waste bin. It was blinding pink. She grabbed a few tissues and wadded them as the wall rattled behind her. Tina tossed the bunch of tissues in the waste bin and hurried to unlock the door.

She swung the door open and her gaze clashed with Dev. His dark eyes were wild, his skin stretched taut against his harsh features. He towered over her, the worry and relief pulsating in the air. She noticed he held his shoulder as if it ached.

“Dev—” She faltered into shocked silence as he lowered her arm that blocked his entrance and peered into her bathroom.

“Why didn’t you open the door when I asked?” His words were clipped with anger as he grabbed her hands. She instinctively tried to pull away but he was too strong. Dev turned her palms over and checked her wrists.

The old scars on her skin suddenly felt hot and red. “I told you I don’t cut anymore,” she mumbled. She wished he couldn’t see those signs of her weakness.

He glanced up but didn’t let go of her hands. “Why were you crying?”

She bit her lip and looked away. “Dev, it’s perfectly natural to cry. It’s a release from stress and—”

“Not the way you were crying,” he said gruffly. “It was as if your whole world was ripped apart.”

She swallowed hard. “I’m not going down the rabbit hole again. I promise.”

“I think we should stay home.”

“Stay home? No, that’s not necessary.” She blinked as she suddenly remembered they were supposed to go to a wedding today. The daughter of a business associate was getting married in a huge three-day event. All of Bollywood was attending. Tina wasn’t ready to face the pomp and pageantry, but it was better than staying at home and avoiding Dev’s probing questions.

She felt Dev watching her intently and the silence was almost unbearable. Tina struggled to meet his gaze. She was taken aback when she saw the pain in his eyes. It was just like when he had told her that he had gone through hell with her. She didn’t want him to go through it again. This was her battle.

He didn’t need to suffer with her. Because of her.

* * *

The mehndi celebration was bigger and bolder than Dev had expected. The prewedding ceremony was traditionally to prepare the bride for the wedding. Now it was a huge party that was almost as extravagant as the walima.

The ballroom was decorated to give the impression that they were in an ornate tent. Gauzy white curtains and tiny strings of light were draped from the ceiling. The heavy scent of flowers couldn’t mask the aroma of the rich, spicy food. He glanced at the circular platform in the middle of the room. The future bride sat next to her groom as they watched a dancing troupe perform.

He noticed that despite the luxurious surroundings, the bride followed tradition and didn’t wear makeup or jewelry. Her hands and feet were decorated with intricate henna designs and she wore a simple mustard-yellow gown with a dark green veil over her hair.

The guests were a mix of Bollywood stars and members of the Hindi film industry. They were more interested in the other guests than the proceedings. This was exactly what Tina hated about the wedding extravaganzas of his contemporaries.

Dev looked around the crowd, searching for his wife. He wished she had stayed at his side. He liked linking his hand with hers, but she kept finding an excuse to part.

She was creating a distance between them and he was getting worried. Dev’s eyes flicked across the white-and-gold ballroom. Why had she been crying earlier today? It had been more than crying. It had been gut-wrenching sobs that had torn at him.

Instinct had guided him when he’d tried to break down the bathroom door. Dev rotated his shoulder as he felt a twinge of pain. He had panicked but this time he knew not to dismiss the signs.

This time. Dev pulled uncomfortably at his tie. Was she falling into a depression again? Was this arrangement triggering it? No, he decided. He refused to believe that.

Tina might think he had overreacted, but for the past two weeks he had noticed a change in Tina’s behavior. She had been listless and staring off into the distance. He had woken her from a bad dream the night before and soothed her back to sleep only for her to talk in her sleep. Why wasn’t she telling him what was troubling her?

Dev’s heart clenched when he found Tina. She stood among a circle of friends, tilting her head back as she laughed. He yearned to hear that sound more than the chime of her bangles or the faint jingle of her gold anklets.

She didn’t wear the sari he had suggested. Dev thought she looked feminine and graceful in a sari but he had to admit she was incredibly sexy in the emerald green ghagra choli. The short sleeves emphasized her toned arms and the snug shirt revealed the smooth, golden skin of her midriff. The long beaded skirt flared at the knee, but it wasn’t as modest as he had hoped. Instead it clung lovingly to her curves.

Tina looked strong and healthy. Elegant and stunning. He was damn proud to have her at his side. As his wife.

Dev’s expression grew fierce as he watched Tina. He was proud of her. She had achieved so much through hard work and perseverance. She didn’t seem to be aware of her own strength. Not only had she faced challenges to support her family, but she had also struggled to recover from grief and illness.

He saw Tina’s posture stiffen before she raised her head and captured his gaze. She gave him a questioning look and Dev allowed his eyes to linger on her tiny blouse and bare stomach. He dragged his gaze back to her face and watched his wife blush.

Her smile faded as he approached. She quickly said something to the other women and briskly met him in the middle of the ballroom.

“What do you think of the wedding?” Dev asked.

She glanced at the round stage. “I feel sorry for the bride.”

Her words pinched his chest. He grabbed at his dark tie and loosened it. Was this her opinion on marriage? Did she feel sorry for all brides and wives? “Why is that?”

Tina gave a small shrug. “It’s supposed to be her day but no one is paying attention to her. Not even the groom. They are all too busy trying to do business and make deals.”

Dev placed his hand on the small of her back and was rewarded with the touch of her warm, smooth skin. “I paid attention to you at our wedding,” he said against her ear.

Tina shivered from his nearness. “Yes, but I made sure there were no other distractions.”

Their elopement had been stripped down to the essentials. He had ignored the postwedding rituals that included welcoming Tina into his house and his family. His wife was modern but he should have honored her new role. He should have shown how important she was to him.


“I’m sorry how I acted,” he said as they walked outside the ballroom.

“On our wedding day?” Tina frowned. “What are you talking about? You were very solemn during the ceremony.”

“I was arrogant when I asked you to marry me,” Dev admitted. He stopped on the red carpet and looked at the ropes of lights coiling around the pillars at the entrance of the party. It was quiet and there were only a few servants walking around. “I didn’t ask or propose. I told you that we were getting married.”

Tina pulled away and stood in front of him. “What’s going on? It’s not like you to be this...introspective. How many drinks have you had?”

“I’m not drunk. I was thinking about when we first got married. You were my wife but I treated you like a guest in my home, in my life.”

Tina gave him a look of concern and rested her hand on his arm. “It’s okay, Dev. If I had a problem with that, I would have spoken up.”

“No, you wouldn’t. You were afraid to make waves. Cause any inconvenience.”

She dropped her hand and looked way. “You make me sound like a coward.”

“Coward? You?” He scoffed at the idea. “You wanted everything to be perfect even if it required you to make the sacrifices.”

Tina crossed her arms. “I’m not a martyr.”

“You’re too independent,” he complained with a growl. “You refuse to ask for help.”

“I’m working on that.” She took a step back and he followed.

“Why don’t you audition for one of my movies?” Dev asked. Her insistence on avoiding Arjun Entertainment was like a thorn in his skin.

“No! You still don’t get it, Dev.” She thrust her hands in her short hair and gave a harsh sigh. “Everyone wants something from you. If they don’t ask for it, you’ll offer something. Anything. It’s how you work a relationship.”

Dev narrowed his eyes. He didn’t like where this conversation was going. “What are you talking about?”

“You think you have to do something to earn your way into people’s hearts,” she said as she gestured wildly with her hands. “You have to be number one in the box office to win approval from your parents. You have to pay everything to gain acceptance with my mother.”

Was this how Tina saw him? That he had to buy his way to a person’s heart? “I have money and I want to help out.”

“At first I thought it was your way of maintaining control in a relationship. Now I realize that you can’t just give yourself. You don’t think you’re enough.”

He didn’t like this. He jutted out his chin as the dark emotions started to swirl in his chest. “That’s not true.”

“And you are just as reluctant to ask for help as I am.” She placed her hands on her hips. “Do you realize that asking me to stay for two months was the only time you asked for my assistance in anything?”

“You were pregnant and then you were grieving.” He had gone out of his way to keep the world at bay. He didn’t want her to worry about anything.

“I still wanted to look after you. You were my husband.”

“I am your husband.”

“I ask for your advice all the time,” she continued as if he hadn’t made that declaration. “But I didn’t want you to think I married you because you could help my career. I wanted you, not what you could do for me.”

“You didn’t need to prove anything,” he said. “I know why you married me.”

Tina’s cheeks went red. “You do?”

“You didn’t want to be a single mother.”

Tina blinked and gave a slight shake of her head. “Dev, I didn’t marry you just because I was having your baby.”

Dev clenched his teeth as the curiosity swelled inside him. Why had she married him? He wanted to know but he was afraid the reason no longer applied. What would it take for her to stay married?

“This is the problem with attending weddings,” Tina said as she cast a look at the entrance. “It makes you think about your own. Your marriage. What you would have done differently.”

“You know what I would have done differently?” he asked gruffly.

She gave him a wary look. “No, Dev. What?”

“I wouldn’t have gotten you pregnant.”

* * *

His words were like a punch to the chest. If she hadn’t gotten pregnant, he would still be the most eligible bachelor, living a carefree life and driving his career to new heights. “I know,” she said softly. “It changed everything, didn’t it?”

“No, jaan. You misunderstand me.” He reached out and gathered her in his arms. She pressed her hands against his muscular chest and felt the solid beat of his heart. “I would have protected you better. I would have looked after you.”

“That was my responsibility, not yours.” She should have been more careful but apparently she did not learn from her mistakes.

“I disagree.” His expression was fierce and she watched the fire in his eyes. “I should never have allowed you to get pregnant. It was an oversight on my part. But I was glad you were carrying my child.”

Her heart did a funny, slow flip. She knew he had been excited about the baby but she needed to hear that he didn’t regret it. “You always wanted a family.”

“And I wanted you,” Dev said quietly. “I would have eventually asked you to marry me, but the baby moved up my timetable.”

Her heart skipped a beat. “You would have married me even if I wasn’t carrying your baby?” That she did not believe. He was idealizing their affair. If she hadn’t been pregnant, he would have ended their affair to enter an arranged marriage with Shreya.

“You gave me the one thing I never had,” Dev said as she brushed his finger along her cheek. “A home life. A world outside the film industry.”

“You could have gotten that on your own,” she whispered as her throat tightened with emotion.

His mouth lifted in a lopsided smile. “Not without your insistence.”

She rested her forehead against his chest, unable to look at him. She felt shy. Uncertain. She had fought for him to have a life outside the office, but she didn’t feel like she had made any significant achievement. “You really don’t ask for much,” she muttered.

“I asked for everything. And I got it.”

And then I lost it.... The words hung above them unspoken. Dev rested his hand against the crown of her head.

“You’re the one who didn’t ask for anything,” he pointed out.

“That’s because I would ask for the impossible. What purpose would that serve?”

“I can make anything happen.”

She smiled at his arrogant statement. He was confident of his abilities but she knew there were some things even the great Dev Arjun couldn’t achieve. She wanted to ask for another chance. Try to save their marriage with no time limit. She wanted to stay but she knew nothing had changed. She couldn’t risk her future with a man who would strip her of her voice, her power and her financial independence, believing it was for her own good.

“What do you want right now?” he whispered. “Ask and I will give it to you.”

She wasn’t going to ask for the moon or the stars. She wasn’t going to ask for her heart’s desire when she knew it wasn’t going to happen. Instead she focused on what she could have for now.

“I’ve had enough of this wedding.” Tina lifted her head, her gaze ensnaring his. “I want to go home and take you to bed.”

His smile turned wicked. “I’m all yours.”