Not a Chance (Sweet Nothings)

chapter TWENTY



The next morning Travis sat in the cramped office at the garage catching up on a little bookkeeping. He kept finding himself smiling. He'd heard gossip that Arden had gotten in a fight with Ashley Strauss. It couldn't possibly be true. But the mental image tickled him anyway.

He heard a car pulling in the driveway and glanced up on instinct. He was surprised to see Brody Jessop's black SUV parked outside the office.

Brody was a nice, clean-cut sort of man. He coached high school basketball and generally wore nice slacks and a dress shirt during the day. He was the same age as Travis and the same height, but narrower across the shoulders and a bit leaner. Probably because he didn't have little old ladies paying him with pie to fix their cars.

But even though they'd gone to school together, Travis didn't know Brody very well. They'd maybe spoken to each other twice over the past five years. Travis stood and greeted Brody at the office door. Brody nodded formally at him and then Travis stepped aside so he could come in.

"What can I..." Travis started.

"Are you dating Kristen?" Brody interrupted.

"Uh..."

"Don't lie to me, you bastard. I want to know what you think you're doing trying to steal her away from me like this."

Travis opened his eyes wide in shock. "Steal her away?"

"You took her to that Christmas party. And a friend of mine told me your car was parked outside her apartment one night last week."

Travis sat down in his chair and glared at Brody. He was willing to have a civil conversation but he wasn't in the mood to be yelled at. "You drove her home from the Christmas party. Seems like that makes you the winner."

"She won't talk to me."

"Good for her."

Brody tensed all over, but he wasn't the type to get in a street brawl on a Saturday morning. Travis waited and watched as Brody finally relaxed and slumped back in the chair. "I just want to know if you're the reason things have gone so wrong," Brody said.

Travis gritted his teeth. The jackass didn't even know Kristen. She would be so much better off with Travis. He knew her and would treat her the way she deserved to be treated. But she didn't love him. And he'd be lying to himself if he didn't admit that she would be his second choice, too. He sure as hell wouldn't treat her that way, though. "Brody, I didn't even know you were trying to have a relationship with her. I know she's in love with you and she keeps falling back to me because she says you're not interested in her."

"Is that what she says?" Brody asked, looking angry again. "God, she never listens. She just hears what she wants to hear."

Travis narrowed his eyes at him. "Women are funny that way."

Brody shook his head. "Last week we had an argument. We'd been seeing each other for a couple of months. Just dinner a couple of times a week. Nothing serious. So naturally, she asked if I was thinking about getting serious this time. I told her I just wasn't ready yet. I needed time. I'd like to keep seeing her, but I wasn't ready to commit yet."

Travis gritted his teeth. "She's thirty years old. Which don't mean a thing to you and me, but all she sees every day is the passing of her childbearing years."

"She's got plenty of time for that."

"Well she doesn't think so. And even if she does, she's given you three years. What more do you want?"

Brody buried his face in his hands. "The divorce was only finalized three years ago. I've got two kids. I just haven't been ready to get back in the dating game, let alone get married and have more kids."

"So, then, what's it to you if I hook up with her once in a while?"

Brody's face turned red again. "I don't want you seeing her anymore."

"Then you'd better get your f*cking act together. Three years is more than enough time to get over a divorce. She's going to come to her senses, one of these days, and give up on you. Then she'll be all mine."

Brody's jaw set and his eyes narrowed. "Stay away from her."

Travis laughed. "No."

"Goddamn you!"

Travis stood, then and leaned over his desk. "If you and she are dating, I'll stay out of the way. But if you're just putting her on hold until you're ready, then I figure she's fair game. So get lost, Brody, and leave me the hell alone."

Brody leapt to his feet and stormed out of the office. Travis sat back and smiled to himself. It felt nice helping Kristin out. Even though he was still alone and had lost his backup plan. He still loved her and wanted her to be happy.



That morning Arden had a huge fight with her parents. They insisted she give Nick some benefit of the doubt. She didn't disagree with them. It just irked her that their first course of action was to defend Nick rather than to offer her comfort. So she'd yelled at them and stormed out and now she was watching Saturday morning cartoons on Shannon's couch with a blanket wrapped around her.

"Oh I love this one!" Arden shouted to Shannon who was in the kitchen baking blueberry muffins and brewing coffee.

"Which one is it?" Shannon shouted back.

"The one where the little Martian wants to blow up Earth so he can see Venus."

Shannon laughed.

Arden snuggled down into the couch and pulled the blanket up under her chin. Shannon was equal parts best friend and loving grandmother. Today Arden was taking advantage of the second part.

"How's your eye, dear?" Shannon shouted.

"Fine. It doesn't hurt if I don't touch it." Arden had never had a black eye before. She was determined not to go into public until it was completely healed.

"Do you want chocolate milk?" Shannon asked.

"Yes please!" Arden grinned to herself.

Just then Russell came in the front door. He'd been working on his truck out in the garage. It was freezing cold, so he had on a heavy flannel jacket over his flannel shirt. Arden wondered if the man owned clothing made from any other fabric besides flannel and denim. He brushed his hair out of his eyes and looked down at Arden.

"Um, I called Travis to come help me with my truck. I just thought you would want to know."

Shannon came around the corner from the kitchen and handed Arden a tall glass of chocolate milk with a straw in it. "That is so thoughtful of you, Russell," Shannon said.

He blushed and looked down at his feet.

"Did you tell him I was here?" Arden asked.

"No. It didn't come up. But I guess he'll figure it out when he sees your car in the driveway."

Arden's eyes narrowed. She had never been terribly comfortable around Russell. She got the feeling that he didn't like her and she sometimes felt like he was making fun of her. But she could never get a firm grasp on whatever it was that was making her uneasy. Like seeing movement out of the corner of your eye, but when you look, it disappears.

Russell kissed Shannon and went back outside to his garage. Shannon smiled after him, so much in love that it was sickening.

"You've been married six years," Arden said, "and you look at him like you just fell in love yesterday."

Shannon shrugged. "He doesn't let me get close to him. Just every once in a while he opens up to me and I get to love him. The rest of the time I feel like I'm still that teenage girl chasing after him, trying to get him to fall in love with me." Shannon turned and walked dreamily back into the kitchen.

Arden rolled her eyes. She hoped to God she would never be that delusional in love. Shannon returned carrying a tray with muffins and two cups of coffee. She sat next to Arden and patted her on the knee. "How are you feeling?" she asked.

Arden slumped back. "I don't know. I just wish all of this would go away. I hate being bothered trying to sort through all of these feelings."

"Yeah, it's terribly inconvenient, isn't it?" Shannon said, a twinkle in her eye.

"What is it exactly that you find amusing?"

"I don't know. You just got in a fist fight with a girl who claims to be sleeping with your fiancé and the only emotion that is manifesting here is mild annoyance. It's like if you had a flat tire or your heel broke or something."

"I'm just tired, that's all. Maybe it's shock or something. I haven't spoken to Nick, yet. I feel like if I avoid talking to him, then maybe this whole Ashley thing will just go away."

Shannon smiled gently at her. "When will you talk to him?"

"I don't know. He called me three times this morning, but I just let it go to voicemail. I'm pretty sure as soon as I hear his voice or see his face I'm just going to lose it."

Shannon and Russell lived in a two-story farmhouse off a county road. Their long driveway was gravel. They heard Travis's car from a half a mile away. As the engine sound grew louder, Arden's heart began to beat faster. She chalked it up to the caffeine. "I don't think I want to see him," Arden said.

Shannon patted her knee again. "I'll take care of it." A few seconds later there was a knock at the door. Shannon hopped up to answer it, greeting Travis with a smile. "Russ is out back," she said sweetly. "I'll bring you some coffee if you like."

"Aren't you sweet," Travis replied. "Can I come in real quick?"

"You know what, let me walk you to the garage. I need to find out if Russell wants any breakfast." She took him by the arm but he stood firm.

"I'll answer for Russell right now. Yes. He does want breakfast. And as long as you're cooking, I'd love some too. Now may I come in?"

"Travis," Shannon said, letting out a sigh. Then she stepped aside and let him in.

Arden sat up a little straighter on the couch, pulling her feet underneath her. She looked up when she heard Travis's footsteps approach.

"Well, well, well," he said. "How are you holding up, champ?"

She glared at him. He had a small cut on his bottom lip that made it swell slightly. "I'm fine. I came here to talk to Shannon, not you."

Travis dramatically placed his hand over his heart as though he'd been wounded to the core. He sat on the couch and angled himself toward her. Shannon had disappeared into the kitchen, apparently taking to heart Travis's request for breakfast.

"So," Travis said, looking up at the ceiling, his brow furrowed in mock concentration. "The way I heard it, you caught Nick and Ashley...together...and then got in a fight with her, resulting in her nearly being killed. Is that at all accurate?"

"No. She showed up and started saying these grotesquely obscene things and I lost my temper."

Travis grinned and shook his head. "I wish I could have seen that."

"You're sick, you know that?" Arden looked away in disgust.

"I'm sorry. I'm just surprised, that's all. Plus, I love a good fight."

"It wasn't like I was looking for a fight. If she'd just come to me and said, 'Hey, I've been sleeping with Nick,' then I would have controlled my anger. But she just kept going on and on in greater and greater detail. She just wouldn't stop." Arden was on the verge of tears, now, so she bit her bottom lip and turned up the volume on the TV.

Travis's expression sobered as he watched her. "Have you spoken to Nick?"

"No." She turned to face him. "And don't act like you aren't just thrilled with this turn of events. You just can't wait for Nick and me to break up so you can swoop in and rescue me."

Travis gave her a gentle, forgiving smile which ended up softening her mood. She sighed and leaned her head back on the couch.

"I had my hands around her throat, Travis. I've never in my life been so angry. I never thought I could just attack someone like that."

Travis frowned and nodded. "Shit happens."

"To you, maybe. You're wired that way. I'm a civilized, evolved human being."

Travis laughed at her, way too hard. "I'm sorry," he said, apologizing for his laughter. "It's just...you say that like it's a good thing."

"Being civilized?"

"Yeah. Being civilized...like denying all of your basic impulses in some spartan effort to achieve an arbitrary standard of enlightenment...like it's a good thing. Come down and play in the dirt with us animals, Arden. It's lots more fun."

She glared at him. "You disgust me."

His eyes roamed her face. "You have quite an opposing effect on me. That black eye...God, you look cute."

"Breakfast is ready!" Shannon's voice sounded.

Travis jumped up and headed straight for the kitchen. Arden shook her head. She must not have too strong of an effect on him if the mere mention of food sent him running. She stood and followed him at a more subdued pace into the kitchen.

"Travis would you go get Russell?" Shannon asked from where she was flipping over some eggs in a skillet.

"Yes, ma'am," he said, and then disappeared out the back door.

"Come give me a hand?" Shannon asked. Arden nodded and started plating food per Shannon's instructions.

Russell and Travis walked in through the back door, deep in discussions about the state of Russell's truck. They sat at the kitchen table, still talking.

"Here, Arden," Shannon said, "Would you pour coffee?" She handed her a coffee pot. The mugs were already on the table.





Arden poured some coffee for Russell, but when she saw Travis's expectant grin she realized she wasn't comfortable with the situation. She sat the coffee pot down on the table and left Travis to pour his own.

Just as she returned to the kitchen, Shannon handed her two plates, both full of bacon and eggs with sides of biscuits and gravy. Arden took them and looked back over her shoulder at the men. She set the plates on the counter. "You know what," she said. "You're not a short order cook, Shannon." She turned on Russell. "How dare you sit there on your lazy ass and let her wait on you hand and foot."

"Arden!" Shannon said.

Russell looked up at her, nonplussed. "Honey, I think the demonic spirit of Alice has possessed your friend, here," he said to Shannon.

Arden threw up her hands. "Honestly, don't you feel the least bit guilty about the way she runs around doing everything for you and you don't even trouble yourself to thank her?"

Russell's eyes began to narrow. He looked to Shannon, who stared at him apologetically.

Travis seemed to be fighting amusement. But instead of laughing, he stood, pulled out a chair, and offered it to Arden. She reluctantly sat. Then Travis retrieved the plates, gave Russell his and then sat the other one in front of Arden. Shannon dished out two more plates and she and Travis took their seats.

Arden stared in horror at Russell who was looking back at her in disgust. "I'm so sorry, Russ," she said. "I don't know what got into me. I'm really, very sorry."

He stared at her for another moment and then picked up his fork to start eating.

"It's obvious," said Travis, "that since your pride won't allow you to admit your love for me, your confounded emotions are manifesting themselves in frequent outbursts of anger and frustration." He smiled, pleased with his assessment.

"Aren't some of those words a little too big for you?" Arden asked.

Russell choked on his orange juice.

"I read a lot of books," Travis replied. "I'm a smart guy."

"You're an a*shole."

"You can be both." Travis proceeded to enjoy his breakfast.

Arden rolled her eyes and picked up her fork. Shannon had been watching to make sure everyone made it through the tension unscathed. Satisfied, she took a bite of her bacon.

There was silence for a few minutes except for the clanking of forks on plates. But then Arden looked up at Travis. "Also, I'm not in love with you. Just so you know."

He didn't look up at her. He shrugged. "You say it so often I'm starting to think you're trying harder to convince yourself than me."

Arden let out a sharp laugh.

"I agree," Russell said. "You should just sleep with him and get it over with."

Travis nodded vehemently.

Arden rolled her eyes. She would have argued, but she figured Russell was just getting back at her.

"Honestly, Arden, you could do a lot worse than Travis," Shannon said with a playful wink.

Arden gawked at her. She didn't have to look to see the self-satisfaction on Travis's face. "I could do a lot better, too," Arden replied.

Travis paused with a bite of food in midair and looked at her, hurt.

Arden closed her eyes. "I'm sorry, Travis. But leaving feelings out of it and looking at this thing rationally, I can do better than you. Not because my parents are rich, but because I don't have near the baggage you do. And maybe I don't want to deal with it."

He was slowly turning red. "If you love me, then none of that matters."

"That's bull, Travis. My loving you...or...or not loving you...does not erase your past or your family. The problems will still be there. And since I know in advance that they are there, why would I put myself in a position to fall in love with you and then have to deal with them."

Shannon and Russell watched the interchange. Russ seemed particularly interested. He looked to Travis for his answer.

Travis clenched his teeth. "So what you're saying is, there's no forgiveness for me. I may as well not even bother trying to make my life better because I'll never be allowed to be happy, is that what you're saying?"

"You insist on making me out to be this cold-hearted bitch."

"How would you feel if the situation were reversed? If I were to pick apart your past and determine your worth in a completely rational manner with no thought whatsoever to your feelings?"

"You're not seeing it from my position, Travis. You want me to spend the rest of my life with you. To raise children with you. Isn't now the right time to be pragmatic? You're an alcoholic." She ticked each item off on her fingers. "You have a terrible temper. And you're completely blind to the faults of your brother, a man I consider to be very dangerous. Not to mention that your ex-wife is living with you, and a baby soon to come. Plus, how much could you possibly be making from the garage? How are you going to support a family on your income?"

"Keep going, Arden, I think there's a little piece of my heart that you haven't stomped on yet."

"This isn't about your heart. It's about my life. You're the one who let your heart get involved. You're the one who keeps pushing me to say these things. I think you're a wonderful man who deserves to be happy. I just don't think I could commit to being with you in such unstable surroundings." Her cheeks were burning and she willed her nerves to cool back down.

Shannon had collected plates and was now tugging on Russell's arm. Russell stared at the space in front of him looking thoroughly depressed.

"Let's give them some privacy," Shannon said. She tugged on Russell's arm again and this time he got up and left with her.

Once they were gone, Arden and Travis stared at the spaces in front of them. "I'm sorry, Travis," Arden said. Her voice was numb and monotone. "I shouldn't have said all of that."

"Why?" he asked, sounding bitter and sad. "It's true, isn't it? It's what you're thinking, right?"

Arden shook her head. Yeah, maybe it was true. But Travis was a good man with strong character. He'd overcome much and was likely to overcome more. Maybe that should be enough for her. Love and proof of character. Maybe she should focus on that instead of the dreadful facts of his life and family surrounding him. "Why do you want me?" she asked.

"I guess if we're judging by your standards--because you're rich, you've lived a sinless life and your parents are good solid citizens."

She looked at him then. He was slumped down in his chair, his eyes glazed over. "Please don't be mean to me, Travis."

Slowly he nodded. "I'm sorry. I feel like shit right now."

"I know," Arden said. "That's why I want to know why you want me. Because I make you feel like shit."

He laughed, then. Then he took a deep breath, exhaled slowly and looked away. "There's no 'why' to love. When we were snowed in together, you were so sweet to me. You listened to me. You took care of me. It got me to imagining what it would be like being married to you. I could picture you pregnant with my baby, a toddler on your hip and a smile on your face. I'd come home from work and you'd rush over to kiss me. We'd have dinner together and afterwards you'd wash dishes while I dried. We'd put the kids to bed and then I'd rub your feet and listen to you talk about your day. We'd take a hot bath together and then go to bed and make love. And it would be that kind of love making that just feels like coming home after being lost for ages." He stared into space, his shoulders slumped. His voice was monotone and quiet. "I'm a f*cking idiot. I know that. I tell myself to not get my hopes up...to stop fantasizing about a future that might never happen. I just can't help it. I was fine before I met you, but now I'm so f*cking lonely I want to die."

Arden's chest ached. It had been a completely unfamiliar feeling until Travis came along. It spread through her body so that even her skin hurt and she felt the only thing that could relieve the pain was his touch. As he spoke she felt tears sting her eyes. She watched his expression and the vulnerability displayed there. He was a good man. And he loved her.

She took in a shuddering breath. "What..." she started. Then she took another breath. "What would we do? I mean...hypothetically...what would happen if I said I wanted you?"

He looked at her, unbridled hope in his eyes. But thankfully he restrained himself. "Whatever you wanted, Arden. I guess you'd probably want to date for a while. Or we could just skip all that and get married. Or live together. Anything."

Arden nodded and stared down at the table. "I guess we could even just be friends for a while."

"Mm-hmm," Travis said, sounding slightly disappointed. "Or, even better, friends who sleep together sometimes."

She looked up and grinned at him then. "I love..." She slammed her mouth shut, her eyes going wide. What was she about to say? She felt terrible as she saw the hope and joy bloom on Travis's face.

"Arden?"

She shook her head. "I don't feel well. I'm going home."

He stood with her and followed her to the door. He put his hand on the doorknob preventing her leaving. "Arden?" he asked again, softly and looking into her eyes deeply. He started to reach for her.

"Don't touch me," she said. "I need to go home." She shoved his hand out of the way and ran out the door, to her car, driving home as fast as she could to get away from him.