Not a Chance (Sweet Nothings)

chapter TWENTY-ONE



It was Sunday afternoon. Arden was still in her pajamas. She sat on her bed with her knees hugged to her chest watching TV. Well, the TV was on. Her thoughts were elsewhere.

"Since when did my life become so filled with drama?" she asked. Emma was on speakerphone. Her cell sat beside her on the bed.

"Since you met Travis. Everything was smooth sailing before that."

Arden agreed. Smooth sailing. She wanted it back. She found that she didn't care if Nick cheated, just as long as she didn't know about it. But the thought of Travis kissing anybody else or making love to anybody else just made her want to destroy things. With Nick, she wouldn't have any challenges. Life would be just as it always had been. People would take care of her and everything she needed would be laid at her feet. Life with Travis would surely involve not only physical work and cooperation, but also a mental and emotional sacrifice that she wasn't sure she was capable of making.

And yet yesterday had revealed something to her. She couldn't bring herself to think the words, let alone say them. It was too painful and all she wanted was to shed herself of these feelings and go back to the way things were. Sure, she'd be giving up passion and love and all those good things. But she wouldn't have to deal with the flip sides to those emotions. Anger and hate and fear. It was just better the way she had it planned. So she wouldn't think about Travis's inviting embrace or the overwhelmingly enticing prospect of kissing him, let alone making love with him. She would just not think about those things at all.

"You're right," she said to Emma. "Travis is the root cause of all of my problems. So the logical thing to do is to cut him out of the equation."

She heard Emma sigh in frustration.

"No, really. I'm not going to think about him anymore. I'm not going to see him or talk to him. I'll stay in my room, if I have to, until I'm completely past whatever this is that I feel for him."

"Okay, Arden. Lots of luck with that."

There was a knock on her bedroom door. "Gotta go," she said. She pushed the end call button. "Come in," she said.

Nick walked in looking stubbled and bloodshot. Arden wilted inside. She wasn't ready for this. Then again, she probably never would be.

"Arden, I've been trying to give you some space, but you don't answer my calls and I've been worried sick." He came and sat on the edge of her bed.

"Your lover attacked me from out of nowhere. Excuse me if I needed a little time to recover."

Nick closed his eyes. "Whatever she said, Arden, it ended a long time ago." He opened his eyes and took her hand.

"How long ago?" she asked softly.

Nick hesitated.

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

"I don't want to lose you," he said.

She ignored him. "So, I just want to clarify: at some point in time--last week, last month, last year--you did cheat on me?"

Nick hung his head. "It's complicated."

"Do you love her?"

He groaned and pressed his face into his hands.

"It's okay, Nick. It happens. You can be in love with two people at once. The important thing is that you don't screw around on the one you're engaged to."

Nick looked up at her, his eyes red-rimmed. "I'm so sorry, Arden. I was in love with her. I fell in love with her a couple of years ago, during our last breakup. I tried to break things off. I thought she and I could keep being friends."

Arden figured she would deal with any feelings she might have on this matter later. Now was a time for rational discussion. "If you loved her that much, why did you and I get back together?"

"Because we have a history, Arden. Our relationship is so solid. We're supposed to be together."

"Nothing to do with my trust fund, then?" she asked.

Nick turned red and his expression hardened. "I've got my own money, Arden. But even if I didn't, I resent that you think your money has anything to do with my feelings for you."

"I don't think marrying for money is necessarily a bad thing. So long as both parties are up front about it. To be honest, your money factored into my decision to marry you. It might still. You and I both bring something to this marriage, financially speaking, and I think relationships work better when two people are as equal as possible."

Nick gaped at her. "This is exactly why we broke up so many times. I keep thinking you'll have changed, but you never do. You're cold and calculating. Kissing you is like kissing a slab of granite."

Arden felt heat rise to her cheeks. "We broke up because it made no sense to try to keep our relationship together when so much distance separated us."

"That's right. You didn't believe in love...or at least, you didn't love me. You think relationships are completely founded on circumstances. It's sick, Arden. Ashley was warm. No. Ashley was hot. Is hot. She can't wait to tear off her clothes in front of me and jump me."

Arden pressed her hands to her ears. "I don't want to hear another word about that little whore!"

Nick stood and faced her. "You're a passionless woman, Arden. That's why I cheated on you. Maybe it will be better when we're married. But..."

"When we're married?" Arden asked. "It doesn't sound to me that you're too terribly interested in marrying me."

"I love you, Arden," he said. "I want to marry you. But you're going to have to make some changes."

Arden laughed. "I'm going to have to make changes? No. That is not how this works. I am who I am and if you don't like it then you can break off this engagement right now."

Nick started to speak again, but she interrupted him.

"I want to marry you, too, Nick. I'm sorry to sound so 'cold and calculating,' as though that's a bad thing, but the truth is, you and I are good together. Socially, financially, physically. We'll make beautiful babies. I don't require passion in order to be happy." If I did, I'd marry Travis, she thought. "But I do require fidelity. So if you want to go through with this relationship, you absolutely have to stop seeing Ashley. There will be no second chances. If I catch you again...we're through. Are we clear?"

It occurred to her that maybe she shouldn't be with a man who would allow her to talk to him this way. A man wasn't a man if he didn't put up a fight now and then. But then again, this was not an issue for her to waver on.

Apparently Nick saw that as well. His jaw muscles flexed while he swallowed her demands. "I have no intentions of ever cheating on you again," he said.

"Good," Arden said, thinking that the discussion was over and now he could leave.

"Now it's time to talk about your little betrayal," he said, raising a steely-eyed gaze to her.

Arden rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry I let him kiss me under the mistletoe, okay? I kissed Pastor Harris on the cheek a couple of weeks ago...do I need to apologize for that, too?"

Nick gripped the edges of the bed. The veins on his neck started showing. "You know good and well what I'm talking about. It's obvious to anyone with eyes that you like him. What I want to know is, how far have things gone."

"I find this insulting, Nick. I haven't lied to you."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Nothing has happened beyond that little nothing of a kiss Friday night. I haven't touched him or kissed him or anything. I've been completely faithful to you."

"Technically."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means thinking about it is cheating, too, Arden."

"You've got to be kidding. You're just trying to level the playing field. I think the fact that I've resisted my desires shows pretty strong moral fortitude."

"Ha!" Nick said, turning to face her. He pointed a finger at her. "You admit it. You do have feelings for him."

Arden huffed and looked up at the ceiling. "I can't believe you're trying to ease your own conscience by making me feel guilty for temporarily having the hots for a guy who rescued me in a snowstorm. Of course I'm going to have feelings for him. It's only natural. But I never acted on them and I don't intend to. And the feelings will pass like a bad hangover, so I don't know why I'm even sitting here defending myself."

Nick stared at her for a long few minutes. Slowly his expression softened. He reached out and took her hand. "You're right." He took a deep breath and nodded. "You're right. The feelings will pass. And what I've done is much worse than what I'm accusing you of. I'm sorry."

Arden sighed, too, and gave his hand a squeeze. "I understand if you feel jealous. I'd like to pummel the shit out of that Ashley."

Nick smiled. "I thought you already did."

Arden shook her head. "It wasn't good enough. I can give her a better beat down than that."

Nick looked at her kind of funny. "What's with this new violent streak, huh?"

She shrugged. "Not sure. Kind of feels good, though."

He leaned towards her. "It's sort of hot," he said in his seductive voice.

Arden rolled her eyes. "I guess you want to have sex, now."

Nick's grin vanished. "No, don't do me any favors."

He got up and started walking away. Arden took a deep breath. She was being unreasonable. They'd just made up. Sort of. And it would be good to seal the deal. Besides, she hadn't been with him enough since they got engaged. And maybe that was part of the reason he had cheated on her.

"Wait," she said. He was at her door. He stopped with his back to her. "You should lock the door," she said. He turned and smiled. She got on her knees and started unbuttoning her pajama top.

"I love it when we do it in your parents' house," Nick said, rushing toward her. "Feels like high school again."

They undressed and rolled around a while. Nick finally pinned her beneath him. While he was doing his thing, she stared at the ceiling and thought about high school, since he had just mentioned it. He had cheated on her then, too. Of course she had forgiven him. They were just kids. But then again, maybe there was a pattern she should be paying attention to.

She closed her eyes and focussed on making all the right sounds in all the right places. When he finished, he rolled off of her and dozed off. Arden got dressed and went to sit in the soft chair by her window. She pulled one of Travis's romance novels out of the cushion and picked up reading where she had left off.



That day, Travis drove up to Jefferson City to visit the old man in prison, as he had every year around Christmas since he'd gone away. As usual, he invited Dustin and Neil and as usual, they said no. It was easy enough for them, Travis supposed. Sure, Travis had been the one to bear the brunt of the old man's violent outbursts, but he'd also been the one he spent the most fatherly time with. Did Beau Lanier kill those two people? Possibly. Probably. But to Travis, blood was blood, and he couldn't bring himself to completely turn his back on the old man.

Travis pulled his Cyclone onto the highway, turned on his police scanner, and pressed the accelerator to the floor. He loved the feel and sound of that engine. It felt good to drive fast. He hadn't done it in a while. He put all negative thoughts out of his mind and refused to even think of Arden. He just enjoyed the speed and the highway.

He arrived in the city in just under three hours. He went through the whole process of being admitted into the visitor's park at the correctional facility. And then he strolled casually to the table where his old man sat waiting for his visit. He didn't bring him anything, but every month Travis wired money to his father. He'd just written it into his budget as an indefinite expense.

Beau stood as a greeting gesture and then they sat opposite each other. The old man was as tall and broad as Travis, but Travis had inherited his mother's blue eyes. Beau's hair was thick and long and halfway to gray. His face was hard, the line of his jaw rigid, his body lean...leaner than Travis's.

"How's it going, Pop," Travis said.

"Oh, you know. 'Bout the same as always."

Travis grinned and nodded. "Got any Christmas plans?"

Beau narrowed his eyes slightly. "Yeah, me and my cellmate put together a choir from some of the guys on our cell block. I reckon we're going to sing carols for the guards next week."

Travis laughed and then Beau laughed with him.

"How're your brothers doing?" Beau asked.

"Good. Neil doesn't know it yet, but he's going to college next year, if you can believe it."

"Ha. No I can't. Didn't ever occur to me that boy even had a brain in his head, all them video games he was always playing."

"Yeah, well, it's that computer stuff. He wants to do some sort of programming. But he's having to work while he does school, so it's going to take him a while."

Beau nodded and Travis was never sure whether he was really interested or just so bored out of his mind that he was happy to keep the conversation going.

"What about Dustin. He doing alright?"

"Yeah. Real good. Finally asked a girl on a date the other day."

"Oh? Who'd he ask out?"

"Emma Harris. The preacher's daughter...you remember her?"

"I think so, though she'd have been just a young girl at the time."

"Well she's all woman, now, and Dustin's been wanting to ask her out for about two years."

Beau nodded again. "Duane?" he asked.

Travis folded his hands and leaned forward. "Duane's f*cked up."

Beau grinned. "Like us, huh?"

Travis gritted his teeth. "Like you, you son-of-a-bitch. And it was you that done it to him." Travis waited for Beau's expression to sober. There was never any tip-toeing around the issues from the past. Beau knew what he'd been and how he'd treated his sons and he never once apologized. Travis wouldn't have accepted an apology anyway. "Everything I do to help him he just throws back in my face. I don't know what to do for him anymore."

Beau shrugged. "Maybe you don't do nothing. Maybe it's time to cut him loose...see whether he sinks or swims."

"Or gets drunk, gets behind a wheel and kills a bunch of people."

"I don't know, son. I guess I'm glad he's your problem now and not mine."

Travis wished he could punch Beau right now. "You just wait. Duane does something stupid and gets himself landed in prison, I'm making sure he gets sent here. Then he'll be your problem."

"Come on, Travis. Take care of the kid. He's your brother. Don't let him end up like me."

"I'm trying."

There were a few moments of silence while both men looked inside themselves.

"And how about you?" Beau asked. "How are you doing?"

Travis looked up at him. He wanted to spit in his face. Beau had a lot of nerve acting concerned for him when he'd all but ruined him for the first part of his life. "I'm good," Travis said.

"No college courses for you?"

"Hell, no," Travis laughed.

"Got a girlfriend yet?"

Travis hesitated. "No, unfortunately."

"What's her name?"

"Arden," Travis said, suppressing a grin.

"She cute?"

"Very. I'd send you a picture if I didn't think you'd do something obscene with it."

Beau chuckled. "What about the drinking. You still got that under control?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good for you. I'm proud of you for that. Not too many folks in this world got that kind of self-discipline."

Travis shrugged. "More than you might think," he said, not wanting to give his father permission to excuse himself from his own failings.

They chatted on for close to an hour. Then they both stood and Travis turned to leave.

"Thanks for the visit, son," Beau said.

Travis turned to look at him, this man he justifiably hated and inexplicably loved at the same time. He nodded and then left for home.