He grunted.
“The idea that he’ll have his eyes on you, that he’ll even be breathing in the same room as you makes my skin crawl, Ella. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle knowing you’re there without me.”
“We’ve been dealt some pretty shitty cards, Babe. Trust me, I’d be the first to tell anyone that when it comes to us, our relationship, and our lives, we’ve fought more battles than I think necessary. But I’d fight them all over again for our little girl. That’s what tomorrow will be for me: a battle. But I can win this one, Porter. I can walk in that courtroom and I can put him away. I will. And on top of all of that, the part that makes me almost excited to fight that battle, is that I feel like I can do it on my own.”
I leaned into him, resting my forehead against his chest, soaking up every ounce of calm that being near him offered. “I’m finally strong enough to fight this on my own. I need you for so many things, Porter. I need you to love me, and make me laugh, and be a father to our child, and comfort me, and to build me beautiful houses, and to take me on picnics.” I looked up at him, using my eyes to beg him to trust me in this. “But tomorrow, I can fight that battle by myself. In fact, I need to. I want to. And I’m going to win.” He used one of his big, strong, callused hands to sweep my hair behind my ear, and then his gentle hand cupped the side of my face.
“I’m so proud of you,” he whispered, his words caressing my face, opening up my soul, and hiding inside my heart. He pulled me into him again and I smiled against his chest. I felt his hand drop to the small of my back while the other cradled my head against him. I breathed him in again, loving what his embrace could do to me. “I am so proud of you,” he repeated, even quieter and closer to my ear. Only I could hear him. I felt as if it were a gift he was giving me. His pride. There were a few things I knew in life to be true—undoubtedly, one-hundred-percent, absolute truths. I knew that Porter loved me. I knew that we were supposed to be together. I knew that Mattie was destined, fated, to be ours, just waiting in the wings for her cue to arrive. I knew he supported me, wanted me, cherished me, and appreciated me. But to hear him say he was proud of me was fulfilling in a soul-lifting kind of way.
I took his praise and I felt it inside of me, lighting me up. But his sentiment only mirrored what I already felt inside.
I was proud of myself.
We both knew that a year ago I would have been reduced to a puddle of panicked goo on the floor with even the idea of being in a room with my shooter, testifying against him. I would have needed Porter and possibly medication to get myself through that event. But today I was confident that I would handle everything capably. Would it be difficult? Yes. Might I be uncomfortable? Probably. But I knew that, even if I panicked a little, I could work through it. Testifying against him was important enough to me.
I sighed against him and again felt the exhaustion of the day. All the ups and downs and revelations dragging the energy right from me. I brought my hand up to cover a yawn and felt Porter still running his hands through my hair.
“So will you do me a favor and show up here really early tomorrow so I have time to go home and get ready before I have to be in court?”
“I’ll do you one better. How about we share this God-awful excuse for a bed they’ve given us and you spend the night cramped up against me?”
I smiled up at him, unable to imagine anything better.
Leaving the hospital the next morning couldn’t have been more difficult. I got up early then broke every parenting book’s rule and woke up my sleeping baby simply to nurse her. I desperately needed that connection to her before I walked out that door. It did occur to me that I was being overly dramatic and emotional, but I was only four weeks post-partum and leaving my new baby in a hospital to testify against the man who tried to kill me. So, the emotions were warranted I supposed.
Porter laid on his uncomfortable bench/bed, elbow bent, hand propping up his head of sexily rumpled hair, and watched me cuddle Mattie as I fed her, telling her how much I loved her and that I would be back before she knew I was even missing. I wiped a few tears away, trying not to cry, wanting to be strong.
Porter confided that he was secretly looking forward to feeding her a bottle for the first time and then I broke down at the thought of missing it. Eventually, I knew I was delaying the inevitable and needed to leave. I kissed Mattie and let Porter kiss me senseless and tell me he loved me more than anything.