I left my little family behind and walked down the hall, through the hospital, and out the doors, crying the entire way. As soon as I found where Porter had left my car, I got inside and forced myself to calm down. I told myself repeatedly that Mattie would be fine, that she probably wouldn’t even notice I was gone. I dried my eyes and took a few deep breaths.
The day from here on out would be taxing and I had to prepare myself for a different kind of emotional drainage.
One thing I did find some unexpected joy in was dressing for court. It had been months since I’d worn anything besides maternity clothes and yoga pants. I found myself smiling when I realized I could take more than a two and a half minute shower because Mattie wasn’t in her bouncy chair right outside the door. I took advantage of my aloneness in that moment and took the shower I’d been dreaming about for a month: long, hot, soapy, and quiet.
I found a gray pencil skirt made of a fabric that had a little stretch, accommodating the part of my belly that hadn’t gotten the message that I wasn’t still pregnant, and paired it with a soft lavender button up shirt. I marveled at the fact that my feet fit back into my high heels, and even remembered how to put my hair in a French twist. Putting makeup on was like riding a bike, like I hadn’t missed a beat.
When I was all ready I looked in the mirror and couldn’t help but smile. I looked pretty damn good. It wasn’t the same body I’d had a year ago, a had a few curves that were slightly bigger, but I still liked what I saw. I liked it enough to snap a picture on my phone and send it to my husband.
Not too shabby, huh?
I smiled, knowing he’d like it.
I headed back into Portland, grabbing a coffee which I desperately needed as it had already been a full day, but it was really only seven am at that point.
When I made it to the courthouse, I was focused on maintaining the outer appearance of being calm, when on the inside I was positively frightened. I thought that if I could at least convince the people walking on the street next to me that I was calm, cool, and collected, it would somehow become true. I turned to start the haul up the tall stairs that led to the entrance of the courthouse and heard the unmistakable sound of my sister’s voice.
“Hot damn, Fella! There’s no way you had a baby a month ago!”
I looked up, surprised and truly amazed to see Megan and Kalli waiting at the top of the stairs, both smiling down at me.
“What are you guys doing here?” I asked as I made my way to them. At the top of the stairs, I hugged them both, instantly grateful for their surprise appearance.
“You don’t think we’d let you do this alone, do you?” Kalli said, smiling and running her hand down my arm in support. Blame it on having a new baby, blame it on her schedule, blame it on a million things, but I hadn’t seen Kalli since the day we brought Mattie home from the hospital. I didn’t realize it until that moment, but I had missed her terribly. When Mattie had been taken back to the hospital last week, Kalli had been out of state working, but called and texted us daily, checking in, being as present as she could be.
“I guess that was a stupid assumption on my part,” I laughed. “Where’s Mom and Dad?” I asked, looking to Megs.
“They’re at the hospital with Porter. We wanted to split our support. Dad might show up here after lunch,” she shrugged. “Depends on Mom.”
I gave Megan a strange look. “What’s up with Mom?”
“She’s torn. She wants to be here for you, but she’s not sure she could sit and listen to you tell the story of how you almost died. Plus she’s worried about Mattie. She’s just being a mom, I guess,” she said almost flippantly, trying to downplay Mom’s emotions. Megan didn’t realize now that I was a mom, I could understand Mom’s dilemma.
“Well, I’ll be fine, so Mom should stay with Mattie.”
Megan smiled. “I’ll let her know.”
We walked into the building and continued through metal detectors and had our bags searched. My lawyer was waiting for me and approached me as soon as I made my way to the courtroom.
“Good morning, Mrs. Masters. I’m glad you decided to be here. I know it was a sacrifice for you and short notice. These things happen.” He reached out to shake my hand, giving me a rough smile.
“Let’s just hope it’s not all in vain, Mr. Donaldson.”
“Surely not. Here is how the day will look. Trial starts at nine, we have opening statements, and then we will begin presenting evidence. We have a few witnesses, you included, and the defense has the opportunity to cross examine every one. When we’re all through with the prosecution, it will be the defense’s turn to present. They, too, will more than likely call you as a witness and then I will have the opportunity to cross examine.”
“Do you think Jason Ramie will testify?” I asked, suddenly curious if I was going to be gifted with his side of the story.
“If his attorney is smart, no.”