“You’re scaring me, Brittany. What’s going on?” She took a few deep breaths in and out, seemingly trying to calm herself down enough to speak. My eyes met Porter’s and I knew he was just as confused as I was.
“I remember when I first started at Poppy,” she started, with a trembling voice. She looked down at her hands, wrung them together, still giving me no reason to calm down. “I remember thinking that I was so lucky. I got this amazing job working for this incredible woman who was everything I wanted to be.” She looked up at me then, tears falling down her cheeks. “A few weeks after I started this awesome job I met this awesome guy. He was so sweet and attentive, always calling and texting, I thought I’d hit some sort of jackpot. First the perfect job, then the perfect boyfriend.” She sniffled and wiped her nose on the sleeve of her jacket, emotions leaving no room for politeness or manners. Her eyes locked on mine and she looked at me with so much hurt and found myself close to tears just to see her that way.
“When our relationship became physical, I spent many nights wondering what the catch was. The other shoe had to drop at some point, right? Things were too perfect.”
Porter shuffled on his feet, obviously uncomfortable listening to Brittany talk about her sex life. “I’m going to take a walk,” he said gently.
“No, I’m really sorry Porter, but it’s important that you stay.”
He looked at me with wide eyes, silently begging for me to rescue him. I shook my head slightly and motioned for him to stay.
“His name was Bobby and he was wonderful. We dated for over six months before we slept together. He travelled frequently for his job so when we could see each other it wasn’t usually for a long period of time and he was always coming and going. In all that time he never once pressured me. He was so patient and kind. And when we finally did sleep together, it was wonderful. I felt like he really loved me.”
She began to fully cry and I handed her the small box of Kleenex from the end table.
“I’m sorry. I’ve never told anyone this before.”
“Brittany, it’s ok. Take your time. We’re not going anywhere.”
She took a few steadying breaths and then trudged forward.
“When he asked me to let him take pictures of me naked, it caught me off guard, but I didn’t say no right away.” She shrugged and then shook her head, obviously having an argument with herself in her mind. It seemed as though she’s had this discussion with herself a few times. “Lots of people let their boyfriends take pictures of them, right? My first instinct was to say no, because, well, it’s a naked picture. But I didn’t want him to be angry with me and I wanted to make him happy. I wanted him to want me.”
At that point I stood and brought the baby to Porter and then returned to Brittany, placing my hand on her, trying to convey that I wasn’t judging her. She was neither the first or last young woman to let her boyfriend take naked pictures of them.
“I eventually let him take the photos and I won’t lie, part of me liked how much he seemed to enjoy them. After a few weeks I had grown accustomed to him taking the pictures of me, but when he then asked to take pictures of us during sex, I was surprised.”
Porter was visibly uncomfortable with what he was hearing and he turned his back to us, trying to give her as much privacy as possible. I could feel the tension coming from him.
“He was really persistent and had strong arguments. He kept asking what the difference was between naked pictures and sex pictures? If I trusted him with one I shouldn’t be bothered by the other.” She cried still, her words chopped up by sobs and sniffles. “I couldn’t answer him,” she said with a twinge of panic. “I’d already let him violate me, what was the difference?” She shook her head and I squeezed her hand, hurting for her, wanting to tell her that it was wrong of him to put her in that position.
“When I finally relented, he seemed so pleased with me. The pictures, to me, were disgusting. I didn’t like looking at them, but he seemed to like taking them. I always asked him to erase them and sometimes he would, but I knew sometimes he kept them.”
She was quiet for a few moments. Then she seemed to gain some strength and continued.
“He became more demanding and even though I wasn’t happy anymore, I thought perhaps if I did everything he asked he would become the man I had originally fallen for. If I could just make him happy . . .” She trailed off and my heart broke for her. I started thinking back to the first year when she worked at Poppy with me and I couldn’t think of any time when I noticed she had been unhappy. Could she have been going through something this traumatizing without me having even noticed that something was wrong?
“The first time he ever took a video of us having sex, he said it was an accident.”