Mattie is going to be just fine.
I’d never felt the physical release of tension in my body like I did in that moment. I sighed in relief and felt my shoulders sag with the weight being lifted off of them. My hand came to the base of my throat, resting on the part of my chest where my heart was beating rapidly beneath my skin, tears prickling in my eyes. My baby was going to be ok.
“Thank you, Dr. Edwards. I appreciate everything you’ve done for us so much. You have no idea.”
“Well, you’re welcome and I’m just glad to see this sweet girl leave here happy and healthy. Think about what we discussed and let me know. And still, just as a precaution, I am going to order her an echocardiogram today. I haven’t heard the murmur in a day or two, so it might have just been something related to the infection, but I want to be sure.”
“Of course. That’s pretty straight forward right? Just like a sonogram?”
“Yes. They’ll come down to you and she’ll probably sleep through it,” she said with another smile. “I’ll let you know as soon as we get the results.”
“Thank you.”
Dr. Edwards left and I slumped down onto the stiff chair next to Mattie’s crib, still trying to take all the information I’d been given.
Mattie.
Home.
Healthy.
It was a reality we’d been losing a grasp on for the last week and now it was back. Our girl could go home. I grabbed my phone and sent Porter a text.
When are you planning on coming to the hospital?
I’m on my way in just a few minutes. Need me to bring you anything in particular?
No. I just want you.
Good, cause I’m on my way.
I smiled to myself, thinking about the look on Porter’s face when I got the chance to tell him the good news. My smile only lasted a few minutes until my mother showed up with Megan. I excitedly explained to both of them what Dr. Edwards had told me, that there was a way for me to take care of Mattie in the comfort of our own home.
Immediately I saw my mother’s face contort into a look of fright.
“What is it, Mom?”
“Don’t you think it would be safer for Mattie to stay here? Where the doctors are?”
I didn’t answer her right away, because I couldn’t quite nail down my reaction. Not only was I angry that my mother was questioning my ability to take care of my own child, I was also hurt that she didn’t think I was capable. Megan, smartly, remained quiet in the corner, not interjecting with her opinion at all. I walked over to Mattie, picking her up, seeking the calming effect holding her usually had over me. I knew she could feel my tensions, so I forced myself to relax.
“I don’t think they would let me take her home if it were dangerous.” I tried not to let my words bite, but they came out sounding harsh and jagged.
“Well,” my mother said with a huff. “I don’t think I would trust myself to take a sick baby home. What if something went wrong? A catheter? Right next to her heart? Ella, that sounds dangerous.”
Although the anger flared, suddenly I was overcome with insecurities. Was I putting my comfort above my baby’s health? Did I want out of this hospital so desperately that I would risk my child’s health to escape? Could taking her home harm her, and if so, how would I handle that? The high I felt from the doctor’s words was hastily and hurriedly ripped out from under me, only to be replaced with a brand new low of self-doubt.
“Well, Mother, this is a decision for Porter and I to make together. Thank you for your unwavering confidence though.” I felt the tears welling in my eyes and I knew I didn’t want to cry in front of her, didn’t want her to see that her blatant lack of belief in my capabilities as a mother. I turned away and quickly wiped a tear from my eye, hoping that neither her nor Megan noticed. A long and uncomfortable silence filled the room, stifling and filled with tension, broken finally by my mother’s voice.
“I think I’m going to go to the cafeteria and grab a cup of coffee. Can I bring you anything, Ella?” Her voice was softer now and I thought I heard a small sliver of remorse in it, but I just shook my head, refusing to face her. “Megan?”
“I’m good, Mom.”
I heard the door open and then close again, my breath rushing out of me as I let out a sigh filled with tension.
“She’s only worried about Mattie,” Megan said softly, obviously trying to smooth over the rift that was just put between my mother and me. I didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t trust myself not to break into tears if I opened my mouth to speak. I felt like I was being held together by one single thread and at that moment the thread was being pulled in two different directions, promising to snap at any moment.
“So,” she said loudly, trying to change the subject. “Something really strange happened at Poppy yesterday.”