I couldn’t help the immediate rage that came over me. “Porter, I’m not leaving this hospital unless Mattie is leaving with me. What makes you think I’d leave her here all alone?”
“She wouldn’t be alone. I’d be here with her. If you stay here, you’ll go crazy, locked in this room,” he paused, carefully choosing his next words. “It’s ok to leave her, Ella. It doesn’t make you a bad mom if you need a break.”
I stood up and walked across the room, needing some distance from him in that moment.
“She’s three weeks old, Porter. Three weeks old. That’s it. If I were at home with her, you wouldn’t be asking me to leave her with you while I went to the grocery store. Where she goes, I go. I’m not leaving her.”
I saw the moment understanding came over him, and I watched as regret washed over his face, softening his features. He sat up, his elbows resting on his knees, face in hands, with his brow furrowed as his thoughts, clearly written across his face, worked their way through his mind. As soon as I knew he understood where I was coming from, the anger seeped from me and I let it go. He wasn’t trying to hurt me or force me to leave. He was just worried about me.
“I can handle this.” I said softly, moving closer into him, letting my hand come to the back of his neck. I felt his hands cup the sides of my thighs as I stood in front of him. “This is supposed to be the time in our lives when we’re connected all the time. I’m supposed to be with her twenty-four-seven. Just because it’s inconvenient, and we happen to be in a hospital, it doesn’t make me less of a mom. I’ll be with her, here, until they release her.”
“You know I’m just concerned about you,” he said, pleading with me to understand his point of view, looking up at me with so much love in his eyes I felt a tug at my heart. “These aren’t normal circumstances, Babe. This isn’t you leaving her for thirty minutes to go run an errand. This is you and her, locked in a room, for who knows how long.”
“I know. But this is what I signed up for. This is what being a mommy is all about. If she’s here, so am I.” Porter was silent for a moment, but I still took the opportunity to run my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. “There is, however, no reason for you to be here every night. This room was not made for two parents.”
“So, let me get this straight,” he said seriously, but with a small grin. “You get to stay here and play the Mommy of the Year role, and I get to go home and sleep in our comfortable bed all alone?”
I leaned down and pressed a long, gentle kiss to his forehead.
“You get to be Daddy of the Year for the rest of her life. Just trust that it would be impossible for me to leave her here.”
“As you wish,” he said, wrapping his arms around my waist, his head resting against my belly, silently asking for me to run my hand through his hair again; I knew how much he loved it. “So, I’m gonna go home then, and take some time to catch up on sleep and shower. I’ll come back later this evening with an overnight bag for you. Anything in particular I can bring you?”
I tapped a finger against my chin, pretending to think really hard about his question.
“If you brought me a chocolate milkshake, I would love you forever,” I said with a smile. My smile grew wider as I felt his hands travel around my waist and fall on my bottom. He pulled me against him with a playful gleam in his eyes.
“You were already going to love me forever, but I’ll still bring you a milkshake,” he said as he firmly yet gently tapped my ass.
“Of course you will,” I teased.
We both heard the door open and I turned as Melody walked in, carrying a plastic tub and some more diapers. “Hi,” she said sweetly. “Don’t mind me, just checking some vitals.” I left Porter and walked to the crib to watch Melody examine her. She took her temperature and listened to her heart.
I felt Porter come up behind me and kiss the back of my head. “I’m going to head out then.” I leaned back into him and let him take my weight for a moment. He tapped my bottom again and then moved in to kiss Mattie on her head, minding Melody and her work.
“Bye, Princess. I’ll be back later with a milkshake for your momma. You want one too? You’re gonna have to talk to her about that.” He stood up and winked and me. “I’ll see you in a bit,” he said, leaning in to press a small kiss against my mouth.
“Ok. I’ll see you later.” I watched him leave and then turned my attention back to Mattie. “Can’t you just look at the screen to get her heart rate?” I asked curiously after she removed the stethoscope from her chest.
“Oh, I’m listening for the abnormality. Her heart rate has been stable since she was admitted.”