Misguided Heart

Thirty-Eight

Sloan

I didn't expect her to be in such an off mood when I entered her office. After what had happened last night and this morning, I all but expected her to run into my arms, wrap her legs tightly around me, and beg me to take her where we stood.

Okay, maybe that was my little fantasy, but it could happen. Instead, she looked solemn and desolate. This was not the Aston I had come to know and possibly love. This was someone I would never have recognized. She was always so strong and jubilant. Her face was always carrying a smile, but today it was on the verge of breaking.

As much as my head told me to turn and head for the hills, my heart took over and made me want to comfort and console her, regardless of the outcome. I needed her to know that I was going to be here for her, no matter what. I opened my arms to her, willing her to accept the open-ended invitation. I was pleasantly surprised when she did. She didn't pull away or pretend like everything was fine. She buried her beautiful face into my chest and squeezed me tight.

My chest constricted, as I explored the possibility of telling her how I felt at that very moment. I wanted to tell her, let her in on my little secret if you may, but my heart wasn't healed enough to do that just yet.

She pulled away just a bit to look me in the eyes and without a word being spoken, I bent down and gave her a long full on passionate kiss; people in the office be damned. My father already knew and obviously it wasn't a problem for him, so why would it be for everyone else.

My lips covered her soft plump mouth in a long drawn out motion. I moved my lips ever so slightly, and kept my tongue to myself. As much as I wanted to explore her mouth with every inch of me, we were at work. After a minute or so, I pulled back, face flushed and stared down into her gleaming green eyes.

"I hope that helps." I smiled against her mouth before pressing my lips against hers one last time.

"More than you know." She whispered.

I took her face in between my hands and smoothed away what I could only assume were tears. "I'll see you after work?" It was a question instead of my usual statements, only because I wasn't sure she would be up to it.

"Absolutely." She pushed herself up onto her tiptoes and planted a chaste kiss to my cheek. "I'll see you in a bit."

When she turned and walked back to her desk, my gaze traced her every movement. Her body moved in a fluid motion that my "parts" responded to. I smirked as I walked out of her office and into the lion's den. It would seem that every person in our office had emerged from the confines of their desks, just to see the new editor making out with the CFO.

Damn children!

I wasn't quite sure how to respond to Aston's small act of vulnerability, but if I was being honest, it did freak me out a bit. I guess you could say we were officially together, whatever that means, but I still had no idea where she stood with that tool of an ex. Maybe I was the closest thing to comfort, until she could get a hold of him. Oh for f*ck's sake, I was turning into a little bitch.

Instead of finishing out the day, like I had planned, I headed home about twenty minutes after I left Aston's office. I opened the two and a half car garage and parked the car, just to hop onto my bike. I started the engine and let it purr between my legs for a minute before discarding my jacket on to the hood of my car. I loosened my tie, threw on my helmet and backed the neglected Ducati down the driveway. I was determined to lose myself for a while, and this was the only way I knew how.

The minute my tire hit the on ramp to the 101, I gunned it and popped a wheelie, making my way into the merging traffic. I put down the front tire and let the engine rev under me, pulling me further down the street and into bliss.

I looked down at the speedometer just as the needle hit 120 and I smiled a wide dangerous grin. I let my mind and body go loose and free. At this speed, nothing mattered and no thoughts stood out. It was just the wind against my helmet and me. Although every time I rode, my mind somehow or another floated back to Alex.

As I inched closer to 130, she invaded my thoughts like a bad nightmare. I loved remembering her, but at this speed it was dangerous. She always pulled me into a trance that I couldn't shake. I saw her face for a brief second before I decided to slow down just a bit. If I was going to be seeing my dead ex-girlfriend, then maybe it was safer at a lower speed.

Her voice echoed through my mind. I thought back to the first time she told me she loved me. She knew I had been a player almost my entire high school career, but she still found it in her beautifully big and open heart to love me regardless.

The words rang through my mind and my smile wavered. As much as I had loved Alex, I was never going to have her. I was never going to be able to replace her, and I never wanted to. As much as I had let myself fall for Aston, I knew somewhere deep down, that it was never going to work out. A sudden pang of regret hit me and my heart began a slow ache. Maybe going to New York without her was the best idea. It was definitely the easiest way to make her let me go.

My mind drifted to the night that Alex and I had our one and only fight. She had been out all day hanging out with some friends. Now, I use the term friends loosely, given the fact that they were all guys and ones that wanted in her pants.

I had tried calling her all day, her parents had no idea where she was and she wasn't answering my pages. I went searching for her at least a dozen times but came up empty handed every time. When she finally returned home at eleven o'clock that night, I blew a gasket. I unleashed every ounce of pent up jealousy, anger and frustration in one fell swoop. We yelled back and forth for at least ten minutes, before I finally let her explain.

We ended up getting zero resolved that night. She tried to justify her actions and I shut her down every time. I'm sorry but there is never a good reason to blow off your boyfriend, the man you love, for some washed up biker gang wannabes.

We made up a week later, but that had been the longest week of my life. We saw each other at school, but that was about it. If I looked in her direction, she would quickly look the other way. The night before we made up, was the night I decided just how much she meant to me, and how I wasn't willing to lose her, for anything.

As much as I thought I was ready to open my heart back up and let Aston in, I couldn't do it. I knew how cowardly I was being, truly I did, but I was left with no choice. This was who I was. I didn't give my heart out and I sure as shit didn't fall in love.

I made the final turn back to my house when I noticed a familiar car parked on the street. How did she find out where I lived? This was going to be end badly; I could feel it all the way down to my toes.

I pulled my helmet from my head and ran my fingers through my muddled hair. I kept my eyes on the ground as I let the next few words trickle out of my mouth. "How did you find out where I lived?" I looked up just in time to catch her reaction to my assholish question.

"Sorry, I didn't think it would be a big deal. Your father told me."

"Of course he did." I muttered under my breath.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come without calling first." She turned to walk back towards her car.

I fought with my inner demons and decided to go against everything I had just decided. "I'm sorry, do you want to stay for a little bit?"

She stopped mid-stride and turned on her heel. "I didn't know you rode." Her voice was strained, not at all like it usually was. She was always so assertive and so sure of her self. Today, not so much and I couldn't help but blame myself for it.

"I've ridden for a while now. Do you ride?" Of course she didn't, what a stupid question.

"I used to."

Her confession surprised the shit out of me. She was the last person I ever pictured on a bike. "Really?"

"Yeah, one of my mom's many boyfriends taught me when I was about ten. He was real big in the Motocross circuit and raced bullet bikes on the side. He even bought me my first bike when I was twelve." I could hear the forlornness hidden her voice and I wondered where her mom was now.

"When is the last time you rode?"

"About a month ago. I own a Suzuki GSX-R 1000." The color in her face was coming back and I could tell she was excited to talk about something she seemed so passionate about. Little did she know that with those two words, my heart was recoiling and pulling further away.

"I would have never guessed." I was being completely honest. I wouldn't have pegged her for a motorcycle type of girl.

"There's a lot about me that you don't know."

"So it would seem." I snapped.

"You want to take me for a ride?"

The minute the words left her mouth, I went into full defensive mode. I never rode with anyone on the back anymore, not after Alex. Hell, I barely even rode by myself unless it was called for. I shook my head at her and I watched as her smile faded.

"I can't. I'm sorry." I started rolling the bike into the garage, when I noticed her walking back to her car again.

Damn it!

"Can I call you later?" I shouted as I dismounted the bike.

"Don't bother. I'll just see you tomorrow night. What time will you pick me up?" Her hand was on the door handle and pulling it open.

I wanted to run out to her and pull her inside my house. I wanted to f*ck her on every surface throughout the damn thing, but my heart kept me at a safe distance. "I'll pick you up at six. The party starts at seven. Does that sound good?"

"Sure." Within seconds, she was gone. I watched her car disappear down the street and I silently cursed myself for not letting her come in. Unfortunately, my house was almost like a shrine in Alex's memory. I didn't need her knowing my dirty little secret if I was going to break it off. I needed to save myself from the danger of her love.