I sigh, "I'm still trying to figure it out." Then I start telling him what I've worked out so far and why.
He nods. "I don't condone lying, Fancy, but if I think about it, I can understand his case for wanting to start out with a clean slate and see what you two could be all about together. I don't know that it was right, and it certainly wasn't honest, but I can see where his mind was."
I nod, biting the inside of my cheek, "I don't like it, but at the same time, it is more difficult for me to discount the fact that we are really good together. What's hard is that I think I would have given him a chance to explain and I would have tried to listen to him if he had just presented himself as Leo right off the bat." I frown, "I think."
"He didn't want to count on that though. And he had just spent six months lying in a hospital bed realizing that you were and are the only woman he'll ever love. He kind of had a lot riding on you accepting him back into your life." He holds his hands up, "Just playing devil's advocate."
I sigh, "I know. There are just so many different levels of emotion for me. I'm trying to sort through them all."
He's quiet for a minute or two. "You know, I know a little bit about male sexual abuse." He's looking at me nervously.
"What?" I whisper. "Oh my God, Lan, you never said anything."
"I know. It's a really hard topic for me even though I've made a lot of peace with what happened to me. I wanted to tell you so many times but it's just such a hard thing to bring up. I have to give Leo props for talking about all the details of it with you. It's a really confusing issue for us survivors."
"Who was it? How old were you?" I ask quietly.
"I was 14. It was a neighbor who was a few years older than me. Thankfully, he moved away shortly after he started abusing me. But I carried it with me for a while before I finally told my mom. I had started acting out and she was confused, didn't understand why. One day I broke down and told her everything. She got me into counseling really quickly after that."
He goes on, "One of the most confusing parts for me was feeling like I must have wanted it to happen since my body cooperated. It sounds like maybe Leo struggles with that issue too. It's pretty common."
I nod, "Definitely, he takes responsibility for letting it happen, and then letting it continue."
"The thing is, perpetrators of sexual abuse are master manipulators at making their victim feel at least partially responsible. That way, they're less likely to report it. Plus, he had the added element of his abuser being a woman and his adoptive mom."
He grimaces but continues, "Talking to an expert would help him see that acting out and being sexually promiscuous is actually really common for people who have experienced something like he did. I don't know if I would be doing as well as I am without having talked to someone about it."
My eyes well up and I take Landon's hand. "Thank you for sharing your story with me. Just another reason why you're so incredible, Lan."
He smiles, "I know you have a lot of feelings wrapped up in your boy, good and bad, and I know that you're still deciding if you're going to be able to move past the things he is responsible for that hurt you. But he's a survivor too, just like I am, and he deserves a lot of credit for coming out on the other side of that. Not everyone does so well."
I squeeze his hand and say, "Have I told you lately that I love you?"
He grins at me, "I don't blame you. I'm very lovable."
**********
I spend the next couple of days laying low. I basically go to work, come home and go back to work.
I spend two hours on the phone with Nicole Monday night updating her and although re-telling Jake's story makes me emotional once again, Nicole succeeds in making me laugh as usual. I have such amazing friends.
When I get home from work Tuesday night, there is a manila envelope under the door of my apartment and I open it up as I kick off my shoes, arching and flexing my feet to work the soreness out.
There are two pages inside and I pull out the first. My breath catches as I realize that it's from Leo and I realize what it is. It's the letter he had started writing to me when he arrived in San Diego.
Oh God!
I fall to my couch and with shaking hands, I start reading his teenage handwriting. He kept it.
Monday:
Dear Evie,
I miss you already. So much, you wouldn't even believe. Or hopefully you would, because hopefully you're missing me just as much.
We flew in over the ocean last night and all I could think of was how much I wanted to be having that experience with you. I keep collecting things in my mind that I want to tell you, show you, experience with you. I'm going to write them all down so that when I come for you in just four short years, we can start on the list. Nothing is as fun or interesting as it is with you. I don't know how you do that - how you make the most mundane things seem magical. Maybe that's just what love does. And I do love you, Evelyn Cruise. I love you down to my bones.
P.S. I put my address and phone number at the bottom of this letter. Write to me as soon as you get this!
Tuesday:
E - It's so weird to call someone else mom and dad, but that's what Lauren and Phil have asked me to call them - Phil seemed more enthusiastic about it and Lauren looked kind of mad but I think it might just be because she thinks she looks too young to have a teenage son. She's pretty for a mom, but no one is as pretty as you. When you look at me with your big, brown eyes and you smile that smile reserved just for me, I think my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. I am picturing your perfect lips right now and I want to kiss you again so much it hurts. I keep reliving our kiss and thinking about how it was the best moment of my whole life.
My mom (Lauren) asked me today if I might want to start going by Jacob, or Jake as sort of a fresh start here. I thought about it and I thought about how it might be nice to leave the person that I was in the past, to leave my life there behind. But then I realized that that would include you and so I said no. Yours, - L