I pause and he lets me gather my thoughts before I continue.
"I've always been good at pushing things aside that I didn't want to think about, good at losing myself in my own head. It's why I'm good at making up stories, I think. Being able to escape to a dreamland was a survival instinct for me. Maybe I did that with you, too. Inside I knew that there was something I wasn't allowing myself to think about. I let you lie to me because the lie felt good. I admit that now."
He turns to me fully, his eyes pleading. "I won't let you take responsibility for any of this. Maybe you made some unconscious choices, but you can't blame yourself for that. I made all the conscious decisions. The only one at fault in this situation is me. I understand that you need space to digest it all. But please, please, Evie, I can't lose you again. I'll never survive it twice. Can you at least try to forgive me? To understand why?" His voice is choked.
I pause and then say quietly, "I don't know. I just need some time, Leo. You've just caught me up on eight years of life… a really fucked up life… for both of us." I laugh humorlessly. "Can we… can I have some space to think? Please?"
He stares straight ahead for a minute and then he starts to stand, leaning his elbows on his knees and looking me in the eye. "Yeah, it's hard for me because we've lost so much time already. But yeah, I'll give you whatever you need."
He stands up and heads straight for my door. He puts his hand on the doorknob, but doesn't turn it, and doesn't turn to look at me as he says, "Your gift with storytelling, Evie? It's not about you getting lost in your own mind, or living in a dreamland. It's about the beauty of your heart. It's about being able to rise above even the worst of situations. It's one of the reason I've loved you every single day since I was 11 years old."
And with that, he opens my door, exits and closes it quietly behind him.
I stare at the closed door for a minute and then I draw my knees up to my chest, close my eyes and let the tears fall once again.
CHAPTER 28
I end up falling asleep on my couch, exhausted, mentally and physically by everything that's happened over the past twenty four hours.
I feel achy and hollow and I think, numbly that this must be what people mean when they say they're "heartsick."
When I wake up, it's after eight and so I put a single sized frozen pizza in the oven, and then stand at the kitchen counter as I eat it.
I fall into bed at ten after watching Braveheart on dvd and I sleep straight through until seven a.m. when my alarm goes off.
I drag myself to work, and as I pull my cart into the penthouse suite, memories of me and Jake, no Leo, in the chair in the bedroom assault me.
I put in my headphones and begin to clean and my mind goes to work too, trying to make sense of everything Leo dumped in my lap yesterday.
I'm not an expert by any means on male sexual abuse but I have to imagine that it's a really complicated issue, since the abuser most likely doesn't use force or violence. Lauren definitely didn't, although it's clear to me that she took advantage of the naiveté and innocence of a minor, her son for God's sake! Even if Leo himself refuses to put the responsibility entirely on her shoulders.
Maybe I should talk to an expert on this subject to try to understand it better? God, what a completely disgusting situation. I thought I had heard it all. But it was always these types of stories that preceded kids getting put in foster care. I shake my head.
But what of his decision to let me hang because of his own shame? I think back to the devastation and desperation I felt as the months went by with no word from him. And then I picture him there in San Diego, numbing himself with alcohol and drugs, having sex with multitudes (apparently) of random girls and then women.
I cringe. But, God, he was 15! And he was a kid from a messed up background, with absolutely no one to guide him. He made the wrong choice, but can I forgive him now for what he did then, knowing he'd go back and council that hurt, confused kid if he could and help him make a different decision?
And then the third issue, the lie he told to insert himself into my life, again putting his own needs and wants before mine. I can't completely say that his thinking was off base. As I'm pondering all this, I have the advantage (disadvantage?) of knowing that me and Leo are magic together, we fit in every way there is to fit. It would be easier to write Leo off as someone from my past who let me down and can't be trusted if I wasn't intimately acquainted now with the man. And he's a good man. I can't deny that.
Is this so confusing? Am I answering my own questions easily? Or am I trying too hard to make this okay because I'm in love with Jake, er, Leo Madsen?
I stop vacuuming as that thought resinates. I'm in love with Jake/Leo Madsen. Yes, I'm definitely in love with the man. I have been for a while now. I loved the boy, yes. But my love for the man is of an intensity I never could have imagined when I was 14 years old.
I just need to live with these thoughts for a day or two. I'm sorry, Leo, I know you don't want to give me a lot of time, but you can't rush this either. I push my cart out of the room and continue down the hall.
**********
The next day, I meet Landon for coffee after work and fill him in on everything that's happened since I last saw him, finally also telling him all about Leo… Jake… who is Leo. God!
He stares at me with his mouth hanging open slightly after I've talked for a solid thirty minutes.
"Is there a reason you invited me to coffee to lay all this on me instead of for shots in a bar? Jesus!"
I smile softly, "Yeah, I'm on the wagon temporarily. If I start drinking now, I might never stop."
"Right. Well, wow is the understatement of the century. What are you going to do?"