I want to be standoffish. I want to play cool, calm and collected. I want to remain detached until he explains something to me that will melt my heart. I want there to be nothing he can say that will melt my heart. I am pleading for him to say something that will melt my heart. I am a mess.
And so I run. Again. I try to dash around him, I try to run fast and hard to the safety of my apartment. I try to escape my confusion and my fear, and yes, the love, but Jake steps to the side easily and scoops me up from behind and I fight him, but he's too strong and he carries me to the door of my building and he growls in my ear, "Give me your key, Evie," and like an obedient child, I take the key out of my purse and I hand it to him.
Where is Maurice when I'm actually being manhandled?
He opens my front door and then he carts me inside like I weigh no more than a sack of rice. He uses the same keyring to open my inner apartment door and then he sets me down inside, closing it behind him.
We stare at each other, him breathing harshly and me glaring, for several seconds.
Finally, he drops his head and runs his fingers through his hair. Oh, God don't do that! "Evie, we need to talk and we need to talk now."
"Why do you get to decide when we need to talk? Isn't it my call, Jake? Or should I call you Leo? Do you go by both? Please, clue me in here."
He closes his eyes for a minute like he's really just too tired to deal with my shit. And isn't that priceless! "Evie. Please. Can we talk? Will you listen to me? This has been hell on me. Please. I just want you to tell me you'll listen to me - really listen to me."
"Hell on you? Oh, please, Jake. I don't want to make things harder on you. Please, sit down. Can I get you a beverage? A foot rub?" I glare at him.
He sighs as if he is barely tolerating me. "Sit down, Evie. Now."
I want to rail at him. I want to tell him to suck it. But, instead, I do as he says, sinking down on my couch while he continues to stand above me.
Finally, he exhales and runs his hand through his hair. Again! how many is that now?He's trying to kill me. He drops down on the couch with me, but at the other side.
"If you need something, go get it now. We're going to talk and this could take a while. Get what you need to make yourself comfortable and then plant yourself on the couch."
I stare at him for a several seconds and then exhale as well. "I'm fine, Jake… Leo. Please, let's get this over with." I pinch my nose, massaging away a headache that hasn't even started yet.
He moves closer to me now and suddenly it is all just too much for me. The smell of him, the look on his face, my emotions, and I bring my hands to my face and I sob. Jake/Leo doesn't say a word but I hear him moving closer and suddenly I am on his lap, being cradled in his arms and his face is buried in my hair.
My hands come away from my face and I choke out, "I waited for you! I waited and waited and you just disappeared. I didn't know if you were dead or alive. I didn't know if you had just decided to start a new life and written me off or what! And still I waited. And truthfully, even though I didn't even admit it to myself, I was still waiting until the day you walked back into my life, calling yourself by another name! I never stopped waiting for a boy who threw me away like I was nothing!"
I'm sobbing and choking and practically hyperventilating now, but Jake/Leo just pulls me tight against his big body and rocks me, whispering sounds of comfort against my hair.
And how is it that this man can comfort me for any of this? He's the cause of these tears. And yet, I cling to him anyway.
After a few minutes, my sobs subside and I turn my face up to his. There are silent tears running down his cheeks as well. I take my thumbs and I wipe them off. Then my hands are on his face, my thumbs sweeping across his brow, his strong jaw, his cheekbones, down his nose, my eyes sweeping along with my fingers, taking in every part of his manly face, but finally seeing the boy that was there once too, letting myself see the boy that maybe I knew was there all along.
My hands still and I gaze into his deep brown eyes and then suddenly, somehow, we're kissing. His tongue is in my mouth and we're moaning and when he drags my sweater over my head and pulls my bra down and teases my nipples with licks of his tongue, I gasp out his name, "Leo!" A deep, satisfied growl comes from his throat and suddenly I'm on my back and he's over me, demanding, "Say it again."
"Leo, Leo, Leo," I moan out, reaching for him and wrapping my legs around him. "Make love to me, Leo."
I don't know what he's going to tell me about why he broke his promise to me, why he's been lying to me, I don't know whether I'm going to be able to forgive him or not. But, whatever happens, I want this, I want him, my Leo, with me crying out his name, at least one time.
He goes back to my breasts, pressing reverent kisses around my puckered nipples before suckling them one by one into his mouth. I am writhing and rubbing myself against the hard erection I feel through his pants. I am on fire, every nerve ending strumming with my desire for this man.
"Please," I beg. "I need you."
"My Evie," he breathes, leaning to the side and dipping his hand between my thighs, moving his finger against my swollen nub, and returning his mouth to my breast.
He begins moving his finger in matching rhythm to the suction at my nipple and I bend one knee, letting it fall against the side of the couch, giving him more access.
I breathe his name, "Leo," as he replaces his finger with his thumb on my swollen bundle of nerves and slips one finger inside me and slowly moves it in and out, adding to the sweet pleasure. He's playing my body like an instrument and I'm drunk with arousal, heady with need. All rational thought is gone.
I open my eyes, my lids feeling heavy and I gasp out another moan. Leo has come up off my breast and is watching my face. His jaw is clenched with the effort to retain his control as he puts off his own pleasure to give me mine.