"Also, Nic, you have to realize that after Leo left and didn't contact me again, it was so painful for me that, in my mind, he was still that boy on the roof with me, almost… I don't know, frozen in time. It was easier for me to convince myself that he remained there in a real sense. To picture him walking around in the world, not caring about me, hurt too much. I guess I compartmentalized him. There was the real world, and then there was that boy… lost in the past. Jake showed up and he was part of the real world, completely separate from that boy on the roof." I rub my eyes, "God, am I even making sense?"
"Yeah, I think I understand. I have some things in my past, granted, nothing overly traumatic, but you know, just things I prefer to leave in my past for one reason or another and I put those things in a special category called 'things I've decided never to think about again'." She laughs a quiet laugh.
I smile. "Yeah, something like that."
We're both quiet again for a minute or two and then I say, "The thing is, I think a part of me did recognize him, something visceral, something more instinctual. I just didn't question it enough because truthfully, I didn't want to. Maybe I did know and chose not to admit it to myself. I've always been good at shutting things out that felt unpleasant to me." I say sadly.
"Everything was just so intense with Jake… Leo… whatever. Jeez, this is like one of those crazy soaps where people are suddenly coming back to life all over the place."
I rub my sore eyes. Nicole looks at me sadly, "It came in handy for you for a long time."
I nod. We are quiet for a minute and Nicole is furrowing her brow, "What was Leo's full name, Evie?"
I reach back into my mind for a minute. Obviously I know his first and last name but do I remember his middle name? And then my eyes widen and I whisper, "Leo Jacob McKenna." I drop my head to my hand. "Am I completely blind?"
"No, everything seems clear now that you know the truth, babe. You were… caught up. It's not difficult to understand. But he owes you an explanation. He needs to tell you what the fuck happened eight years ago and why he's been lying to you about who he is now. Then you decide if you can accept what he has to say."
I feel the weight of the situation again and tears spring to my eyes. "I'm gonna lose him again, aren't I? Either that or I'm gonna have to let him go. I don't know if I can do it twice. I don't know if I'll survive it again."
"Okay, don't panic. Let's just take this one step at a time. Mike will be home at five. We'll have a nice dinner, just the three of us. We'll have wine. You'll stay here with us tonight. You'll feel better in the morning and then you can decide when you're ready to let lion boy have his say." She winks at me.
God, I’m so lucky to have her. Friends are the family you get to choose for yourself. It's never been clearer to me that I've made very good decisions in this category.
After dinner and catching Mike up on the twilight zone that is my life right now, we crack open a bottle of wine and I actually giggle a time or two at their attempts to make me laugh with stories of their adolescent love fails.
As much as Mike and Nicole have been successful in distracting me, I know I'm going to have to face reality in the morning, so I borrow a pair of Nicole's p.j.'s and turn in.
I climb into bed and turn on my phone. There are 14 new calls from Jake/Leo. There are four text messages basically begging me to call him, and one voicemail. With shaking fingers, I listen to it.
"Evie, God, I… please call me. I'm going crazy here. You ran and I don't even know if you're okay. Baby, please just let me know you're okay. At least that. Even if you don't want to talk to me… or, even if you don't want anything to do with me <pause and then shaky breath> please just let me know you're safe. I went by your apartment and you weren't there and it's late and I… please be okay." <pause and then click>
A tear rolls down my cheek. What am I going to do? I type in a quick text message to Jake/Leo, 2 words. I'm safe.
I wait for a couple minutes but there's no response. I turn off my phone again and fall into a fitful sleep.
**********
The next morning I wake early and Nicole and Mike's house is quiet. Not wanting to wake them, I write a quick note and sneak out the front door quietly. I catch the bus to my apartment and let myself in. I linger under the hot water, shave everywhere and when I emerge, I feel refreshed and ready to face the day, whatever it may bring. I dress in a pair of favorite jeans and a demi sleeved, cowl necked green sweater that is fitted around the hips and is belted at the waist. I pull on my short brown boots and pull my hair back into a messy bun after I've partially dried it. I put on mascara, a little blusher and some lip gloss.
It's been weeks since I've done a proper shopping trip and so I leave my apartment in search of coffee. I walk to a Starbucks about 20 minutes away and 45 min. later I am caffeinated and have even eaten a half blueberry muffin and feel semi-human.
I turn the corner to my apartment and immediately, I spy Jake's dark silver BMW parked out front. I walk slowly down the block and he's in front of me before I even make it halfway there.
He looks like hell, like he hasn't slept a wink and I can't help it, I want to soothe him. He has his hands in his jeans pockets and he is looking at me, a look of longing and uncertainty, his gorgeous face a mix of insecurity that hits me right in the gut. That look, I realize, the one that made my heart beat faster in my chest right from the beginning, it's all Leo, my uncertain boy.
I know he has lied to me, and I know that I should distrust him right now but I can't help it, my heart is screaming at me, your Leo is back! He's right in front of you! Go to him! Your beautiful boy is here. HERE!
And the love that engulfs my heart is so overwhelming that I almost fall to my knees right then and there.
This is not good.