Just One Song

chapter Four





The seats Zack gave us are in the very front row just to the right of center stage. Mia about fainted when she saw them. When the opening band, The Samson Brothers, takes the stage, I internally fight with myself to stay in the moment. I want to enjoy the moment. Soak up the sounds of the crowd and the beating in my chest from music I don’t recognize, but all I can think about is Mark.

We would jam out to the music and dance around our house being completely ridiculous. The memories flash through my mind and bring a smile to my face. He would want me to do this. I shock myself at the thought, but I know it’s true. Mark was full of life and brought joy to everyone who knew him. There is nothing he hated more than seeing people wallow in self-pity. Life is too short to be sad he would say when I asked him how he could always be smiling, regardless of what kind of day he’d had.

And I get it; finally.

He’d want me to grieve, but not at the expense of being as miserable and scared as I’ve been the last year. Nothing would disappoint him more. I smile as I think of him and his dark eyes filled with humor and mischief at our first concert. He would want me to live my life with the same passion we always did. And somehow, I realize I want it. I want to be able to dance and smile and not feel the weight of the grief pressing down on my chest so tightly it hurts to breathe.

I close my eyes, wanting to see him smiling down on me encouraging me to move forward; to be brave. To stop counting the days of misery but start looking forward to what life has in store for me. Except it’s not a set of dark brown eyes I see. Instead, a pair of light green eyes wink at me. I feel a smile tease at the corner of my lips.

I open my eyes to some song I don’t recognize, but I can feel the excitement and energy in the crowd. I feel a freedom, suddenly, from realizing that Mark would want me here, living like we always used to. Soon, I’m lost in the music with everyone else and as I dance – for the first time in sixteen months – I see Mia smiling at me happily and proudly.

Once the stage lights lowers and the opening band exits the stage, Mia grabs my arm while flashing all her bright white teeth in an enormous smile.

"This is amazing, Nic!!! Can you actually believe I'm here!? And in the first row!" She claps her hands and jumps up around with glee.

Before I can respond to her, a low rumble against my feet drags my attention to the low reverberating beat of a bass drum on the stage. It’s completely dark, and even though I can’t see him yet, I imagine Chase at the back of the stage, bandana wrapped around his head, rhythmically tapping the kick drum pedal. The wild sound of the crowd chanting and cheering takes me so off guard I cover my ears for a second. Removing them, I turn back to the stage as Zack and the rest of his band move into their positions, the lights slowing increasing.

Between the insane way the crowd is acting to this guy’s presence on stage, and the overwhelming noise, I don't think I could move even if I wanted to. My feet are plastered into cement weights at my ankles and attached to the floor beneath me.

Zack strolls to the microphone, guitar slung over his shoulder, and raises his arms while smiling, showing a full mouth of perfectly white teeth.

"Hello, Minneapolis, how are you tonight!" He calls into the microphone with a perfectly lopsided grin, setting the crowd on fire all over again, the floor rumbling beneath me. Next to me, Mia grabs my arm and jumps and screams along with everyone else. I do nothing except stand there, still frozen in place, and look at the man on stage.

He looks good; really good. He’s wearing faded and slightly ripped jeans and a vintage looking black Rolling Stones shirt that stretches across his chest perfectly, not leaving anything to the imagination about how his body looks beneath it.

I watch the details of his tattoo on the inside of his right forearm dance across his arm as he flexes his arms and fingers. I’m close enough to see that even though he just stepped on stage, a light shimmer of sweats drips across his hairline. Last night he seemed approachable, maybe even boyish. But tonight on stage, he looks intimidating, commanding, and shockingly, I admit to myself, breathtakingly gorgeous. I gulp, swallowing a lump in my throat, suddenly understanding why Mia has had a framed picture of him next to her bed for the last several years.

Mia laughs at me while nudging me with her hip, but my eyes are focused on the man on center stage. He wears an amused smile, perhaps enjoying the banter of the crowd. His eyes however, are fixed on me. Like they are penetrating every pore of my body and soul. He looks as if he is almost daring me to run and escape him while I still have the chance but the intensity has me completely frozen.

It feels like he is the only other person in the entire arena. I can focus on nothing except him. I swallow deeply, my throat and entire mouth suddenly dry. He looks up at the crowd briefly and then back to me. I wonder if he feels the same intensity, the same power as I do. He blinks once, then twice, and some of the intensity diminishes. At least enough to remember there was a crowd of thousands listening to him.

The bass drum begins a deafening steady beat that almost exactly matches the beat of my own heart.

I hear Mia try to yell something in my ear next to me that sounds like “told ya' he wants you” but I can’t make out her words over the noise of the crowd. I can only hold her arm for support while she moves to the music and belts out the lyrics now filling the enormous arena. The music is loud, but slow and has a soulful sound to it. It’s the perfect blend of alternative and folk rock and I love it. Every single song.

I am having fun. For the second time in over a year and three months, and it feels great. The knowledge ushers in a sense of freedom and before long, I lose myself to the music and atmosphere along with thousands of other singing women and men.

After the band leaves the stage after their second encore song, Mia pulls me into a tight embrace, "That was awesome! Thank you so much for coming! Did you like them? I told you Zack wanted you, he could barely keep his eyes off of you the entire time he was up there. What'd you think, seriously?"

I roll my eyes at her ramblings but smile and join in her laughter. "That. was. wonderful. I can't remember the last time I have had so much fun."

Right as I let go of her hug, I feel a tap on my shoulder, and turn around. A burly man with a bright yellow shirt stands in front of us, smiling. SECURITY is written across his massive chest in large black letters.

"Zack wants me to escort you two back stage. They need to go to the dressing rooms and get cleaned up, but he said he’d join you in the common room when they’re done."

Without warning, he lifts us over the railing while the concert goers around us moan and beg to come along. Mia holds my hand as we follow the security guard down a back hallway, and this time, I am pretty sure I squeal right along with her.

"So, what'd you think?" Jake asks as he pushes off a door and walked towards us. He looks freshly showered and I briefly wonder where the rest of the band is.

"It was great, really. You guys put on a great show," I respond while smiling at him.

“Come on, I’ll lead you to the common room.”

“What’s the common room?” Mia asks.

“It’s just a large area we hang out after the shows. All the fans with backstage passes can come back and meet us. Or the media that’s here for an interview. It’s like a post-show party every night.”

“Wow,” I say. It’s all I can say, really. In all my years of concert going, I never imagined I’d be backstage at a sold out rock concert. I almost want to pinch myself to see if this is some strange dream. Instead I just look at Mia and listen to her squeal with delight again.

Mia and I enter the room behind Jake and stumble slightly. Right inside the door are about a dozen girls. Not girls, really. Probably more like groupies. Half-dressed groupies who are already drinking and dancing to music playing. Beyond them, are a small clusters of reporters holding their notebooks and cameras. They arch their necks slightly as we come in, and go back to minding their own business once they realize we’re completely insignificant. The rest of the people in the room look as awed as Mia and I do, probably fans just like we are, anxious to meet their favorite musician. It’s overwhelming, slightly, to be in a room with so many people who have come to see the guy I spent so many hours with last night. The guy who seems so normal when he’s not on stage.

“Is it like this every night?” I ask Jake in awe. Several women instantly notice him and begin walking our way like they have finally found their prize for the night.

He laughs softly and runs his fingers through his long hair. “Yeah…sometimes. Some nights there’s a lot more people.”

I grab a bottled water from the bar and turn to Mia. She smiles - that same mischievous smile from the previous night.

“What?” I ask with a raised eyebrow.

“Seriously? I’m only going to say this one more time. Zack Walters totally wants you. I’m just…in awe. Truly.”

“Whatever.” I look out at the room towards all the women and men who are standing around anxiously waiting to see Zack. I wonder if their palms are sweating and their hearts are beating as badly as mine currently are.

“Listen, I know you’re totally out of touch with dating, and anything to do with flirting, and I know it’s been like years since you’ve even had to think about that kind of stuff. But he could barely keep his eyes off of you when he was on stage tonight.”

The squeals from the groupies increase ten-fold. I don’t have to turn towards the door to know Zack has entered. But I look anyway, and as I watch women clamoring for his attention, I wish I hadn’t. Something twists in my stomach as I watch the scene unfold. Jealousy? Surely not. I shake the thought away.

To my amazement, he is watching me. He glances at a few women who are in between us and I can tell from the way his mouth moves he’s thanking them for coming. But for the most part, he politely pushes them off while still moving towards us, and stops only to sign some autographs and answer a few questions from the reporters. It takes him ten minutes to reach us through the crowd in the small room. I watch him the entire time.

He reaches us and frowns at Jake standing behind me. “Don’t be a douche, man,” he says to him.

I look at Jake who throws his hands up in an innocent gesture. “Find a new line,” he says with a wink and starts laughing.

Zack shakes his head. “No. It’s a good line,” he says and then smiles that grin that I’m really starting to like…a lot. I wish I knew what they were talking about.

“So?” He asks as he turns to Mia and me. “What’d you think?”

“I had an absolute blast.” I smile at him and take a sip of water .

Zack rubs his hand through his hair looking almost embarrassed, but replaces it quickly with a smile a little bit wicked. “I knew you would.”

“Cocky, much?” I ask.

“Just confident.”

I laugh. Of course he’s cocky, or confident, or whatever you want to call it. He commands attention when he’s on the stage and his musical ability is amazing. "It was awesome, really. We've had a great night."

“Want to go sit down?” I follow him over to a leather couch in the corner. Jake and Garrett are also there, sitting on another couch. I look around and notice Mia and Chase sitting in a quiet corner talking close together.

We’re in the middle of talking about one of my favorite songs when I’m introduced to Zack’s manager, Aaron.

After introductions, Aaron turns to Zack. “There’s a local politican’s daughter here for your autograph. I want to make sure you didn’t forget her before she leaves.”

My hands grip my bottled water so severely I think I might break it. I look down and see that they’re also completely white, and shaking severely. She can’t be here…she can’t be here. Not tonight when I’m doing so well. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I will not lose it tonight like I did last night. A pair of young brown eyes flash in front of mine.

I open my eyes quickly and look at Aaron. I see Zack out of the corner of my eye talking to him and sigh, relieved that he doesn’t notice I almost lost it again. I feel stupid….and weak. Again. I hate this feeling in me. The feeling that tells me no matter how many steps I take forward, the past will always haunt me.

“Who is it?” I croak out. My voice feels like sandpaper and I instantly wish I had more water so I could empty its entire contents.

Aaron looks at me cautiously, and I slowly scan the room. I don’t see her. I would recognize her anywhere. I finally spot a group of young teenagers giggling in a corner while they point to Zack.

I exhale slowly. It isn’t her. It doesn’t matter who it is because it isn’t Sarah.

“St. Paul’s mayor’s daughter is here for her thirteenth birthday.”

I nod and smile pathetically.

“Not a fan of politics either?” Zack’s eyes light up in humor. I simply shake my head.

“Something like that.” I excuse myself and walk to the bar for another bottle of water, and a shot of tequila needing something to calm me down. The alcohol burns in my throat and I make a face, trying to stop the burning. I chase the shot with half of the bottled water before I see Garrett standing next to me.

“You okay?” Something about him puts me at ease almost immediately. His long black hair falls to his ears and I sort of want to ruffle it like I would a little boys’ just to see if it falls back in the same place. His arms and neck are covered in tattoos and he looks total bad-ass. But his friendly smile and dark blue eyes give me the sense he’s just a really nice guy.

I nod sheepishly, but don’t say anything because I’m still embarrassed. Thankfully the shot of tequila has made me feel a bit calmer.

“My fiancée still feels uncomfortable in settings like this.” He looks around the room briefly before turning back to me with a small shrug. “It can take a while to get comfortable around all the people we meet, you know?”

I appreciate the thought, but that’s not really my problem. And I would really like to stop thinking about who is actually in this room and what just happened.

“You’re engaged?” I ask once I feel like my voice will sound steady and relaxed.

He smiles, and I can’t help return it when I see a love-filled gaze gloss over his eyes. I know that look. It’s the same way Mark would look whenever I walked into a room. The thought strikes me as odd, that I can think of him, here of all places, and not be sad; but with a simple fondness.

“For like two years now, we haven’t been able to set a date with everything going on, but she’s wonderful. You remind me of her a little bit.”

“How so?” I find this odd considering we barely spoke last night when we were introduced and he doesn’t know me at all.

He simply shrugs and waves a hand out gesturing towards the room. “She’s not impressed with all of this. She just sees us as guys.”

“You are guys. How long have you been together?”

I listen attentively as Garrett smiles widely and tells me all about how he and Chloe met in college before he got hooked up with Zack. Eventually, Zack joins us along with Mia, and I realize the room has emptied to just a few crew workers and the rest of the band, minus Ethan.

“We should probably get going,” Mia says to me. I feel a little bit sad the night is over. But I follow her as we say good-bye to the guys and crew.

To my surprise, Zack and Chase escort Mia and I out of the building. Outside the band’s entrance, Darren stands outside a black Mercedes sedan, waiting to drive us to our car that’s parked six blocks away.

“I want you to be safe,” Zack explains, almost sheepishly. “It was so…so good to meet you this weekend, Nicole.”

I don’t know what to say. All I can do is nod and smile like a bobble head. “I had a great time.”

He takes a step towards me and raises his hand. His palm hovers over my cheek and instinctively I lean in. At the last second, his eyes soften and his hand closes into a fist. He drops it to his side and turns to open the car door. “Have a safe trip home.”

Suddenly, I want to ask him to touch me. To do what he wanted to do, but I’m too thrown off; confused, because for a second, I wanted him. And the feeling of wanting someone like that, with such desire, scares me just a little bit. Perhaps the safest and smartest thing for me to do is just get in the car. To say good-bye to Zack, and remember this weekend as the first weekend I’ve had fun since the death of my family.

I look at him one last time before climbing into the back of a very sleek Mercedes sedan. Mia crawls in after and I raise my hand, just briefly, before Zack closes the door.

***

Zack

“What’s your deal, man?” Chase asks me as soon as Darren drives away.

I have no idea. I don’t pick up girls on my tours. I learned the hard way on the last one when some random chick I brought on the bus showed up at another concert a few weeks later claiming she was pregnant and the baby was mine.

Like hell it was. I was safe, and she was stupid to think that I’d fall for her lies. It took weeks of my lawyer refusing to give her any money to ‘help care for the child’ before we learned the whole thing was a scam. The whole experience sobered me up pretty quickly and I stopped being such a dumbass.

There’s something about this one though that I can’t stop thinking about. It could be her eyes and when she smiles, little lines crinkle around them but the blue color inside never changes. They’re expressionless but she isn’t at all, not when she’s talking about her job or laughing with her friend, Mia. Or even when she tolerates Jake flirting with her.

I wanted to punch him when he got out of the dressing room first and waited for her in the hallway. I can never be mad at Jake, even though he gets some sick joy in giving me shit, but tonight it pissed me off.

It could just be her amazing legs and how they looked in those damn red heeled shoes the other night.

She’s hot as hell and doesn’t show it off in half-dressed clothes like most of the women who try to get our attention, and somehow it makes her even better looking.

I need to get a grip and have a drink and forget all about Nicole. She has me twisted in a dozen ways and I’ve only seen her twice.

“You’re so screwed man,” Chase says and slaps me on the shoulder.

I growl at him. “What are you talking about?”

He laughs and lights up a cigarette. When he blows smoke rings on the exhale he’s got some smart ass grin on his face. My friends suck. “You watched that car leave tonight like you just lost your favorite puppy dog.”

I don’t even like dogs, but I get his point. “Whatever. You didn’t seem too keen on getting rid of Mia.”

He shrugs and takes another puff. “Yeah, but I’m going to see her in L.A. when we get done with this tour.”

“Seriously?”

“She doesn’t do relationships; I don’t do relationships…I offered to hook up when she comes out for work and she didn’t turn me down.”

Maybe that’s what I need, one hook up with Nicole and I can get her out of my system. Except I don’t think that’ll work as well. Every time I move to touch her, she flinches just a little bit and her eyes widen like I’m going to hurt her. I want to know what the hell it is that hurt her so bad.

Why? I have no idea. But I do.

I turn to Chase. “You get Mia’s number?”

He smiles and nods and makes absolutely no movement toward his phone to actually let me have it. The shit won’t give it to me. I’ll probably have to steal his phone while he’s sleeping. And then maybe stick his hand in a bowl of water just because I can.

“She’s not like Rachel, you know.” I glare at Chase wondering what in the hell he means, but I already know. Rachel’s someone who is nice to have around when you need someone for the night. Unfortunately, things with Rachel ran its course when she started talking about moving in together and taking our relationship to the next level. Screw that, I thought the day she mentioned it to me.

She’s a great screw, but all she cares about is her name in lights and on the front page of covers and I’m over that crap.

“I know,” I say and run my hands through my hair, frustrated. Girls like Rachel are all I’ve had – all I’ve wanted – for years. But Nicole…hell, she had no idea who I was and even before Mia showed up I could tell she wanted me. She’s the first girl I’ve met in a decade that hasn’t flirted with me. She just blushed and rambled on about shoes, or something. I wasn’t exactly listening because all I could think about was how she would taste and how her hair would look splayed out all over my bed.

I’m a mess.

I punch Chase, only half-joking, in the shoulder and push my way past him to head to the bus. I’ll see her one more time and maybe that will get her out of my mind.

I doubt it. I want her – for more than just a night. I want to understand all the scripted answers she’s given me and why she zones out with a look of sadness all over her face. I want to peel back the layers she’s put up, protecting herself from whatever it is that’s hurt her.

And then maybe peel back that skirt she wore tonight….

“You’re screwed, man!” Chase yells again when I hit the bus door. I flip him off without looking back and head to the kitchen for a drink.

He’s right.

I totally am.