Just One Song

chapter Three





I feel the beat of a bass drum vibrating along the floor before we open the doors to the arena’s stage floor. I wipe my sweaty palms along the sides of my skirt and press my fingers into the palm of my hands hoping even the smallest amount of pain will take my focus off the overwhelming nerves flooding me. I clench my eyes shut tightly and exhale loudly.

Mia’s hand takes my elbow firmly. I look to her and all I can think about is how terrified I am, of potentially hearing one of the very last songs I heard over a year ago, and at the same time, how sick I am of being terrified all the time. I have to do this. If there’s even the smallest desire in me of wanting to live again and move past all of this, I have to walk through these doors.

“You can do this,” she says to me and squeezes my elbow as her free hand reaches the door.

I nod once. I hope I can, because I want to.

My jaw drops once I walk through the doors. When Mark and I would go to concerts, I used to love the energy when you walk into a packed arena filled with thousands of people and you can sense everyone’s anticipation for the show that’s sure to come. But there’s something about walking into the arena now, even from the farthest point from the stage on the main floor, and seeing it completely empty that amazes me. I look around at the empty seats and rows of hundreds of chairs in front of us, the activity of men moving heavy equipment on rollers, stringing power chords along the floor to the lighting booth near us. It sends shivers of excitement down my spine.

I played the piano for years, and majored in Music at the U of M. I’m no stranger to giving concerts or performing in front of a live audience. But my biggest audiences of five hundred people pales in comparison to venues like this. I try to imagine what it feels like to be a musician, on this kind of stage, looking out into a room this large with all of this activity, knowing that in less than twenty-four hours it will be filled with thousands of fans screaming along to music you pour your heart and soul into. I fail miserably because as hard as I try, I can’t even begin to imagine. In this place, right now, I feel an excitement and energy in the cavernous room which pales my memories of previous concerts – the ones I gave and attended.

Mia’s expression mirrors mine once I take my eyes off the thousands of empty seats and look to her.

“This is amazing.” She whispers it reverently before pulling her gaze from mine, up to the front of the stage where almost a dozen men are standing, bending over instruments, tuning a handful of guitars and banging out a beat on the drum set. I assume it’s a mixture of the band and roadies.

“I owe you big time for this.”

“Yeah….” My voice trails off as I wipe the sweat off my palms again because it is amazing. It’s thrilling and nerve-wracking at the same time.

I can’t believe I’m doing this.

I watch Zack clasp a man’s shoulder on the stage as we walk closer, Mia’s high-heels clicking a rhythmic beat against the flooring. Even from his profile I see his brows furrowed while he shakes his head back and forth. He’s no longer wearing his baseball cap and I watch as he takes his hand off the man’s shoulder, rubs it through his hair and exhales. When he’s done, his hair looks messy and perfect in a way that only a guy’s hair can. He turns away from the man and freezes when he sees us.

I watch his lips twitch a little bit and he offers up a small wave. “You made it.”

“We wouldn’t have missed it. Thanks for letting us come,” Mia says excitedly. I can practically feel her trying to contain her squealing.

I smile hesitantly because as much as I’m trying to be brave right now and as much as I hate it, there’s still a large amount of fear in me. Zack turns and says something to a few of the men who look up at us and walk towards him on the stage. I can’t tear my eyes off Zack, or the way his muscles on his arm move when he runs his fingers through his hair and I suspect that not all of my fear is directly related to hearing his music, but simply him.

Before I can even begin to process what it all means, he hops off the stage and is almost immediately flanked by Jake and two other guys. He waves his arm out in introduction. “Meet the rest of my band. Mia, Nicole…” he stops for a minute and smiles at me. “Chase and Garrett. They play the drums and electric guitar.”

Chase steps forward first, he’s enormous and intimidating with a chest larger than a football player and a shiny bald head, partially covered by a bandana wrapped around his forehead. If I saw this guy on the street, I would probably cross to the other side to avoid him. I almost want to take a step back when he reaches his hand out but his large, friendly smile relaxes me. “Chase. Nice to meet you.” He quirks an eyebrow at me. “Nicole, is it?”

I nod and shake his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“Heard a lot about you,” he says with a smug grin.

“Shut up,” Zack mutters almost inaudibly but hits him playfully on the shoulder.

Next to me, Mia chortles. Awesome. I have a feeling all of her preconceived notions she mentioned on the way over here about Zack wanting me were just confirmed and all I can do is stand in front of all these strangers feeling like a moron because I have no idea what to say as I hear Chase chuckle softly next to him.

He turns and introduces himself to Mia and I’m saved from having to say anything at all when Jake introduces us to Garrett. He’s friendly and casual as he smiles and shakes our hands.

Zack clears his throat and glances to the stage. There’s one man left on stage, plugging in some chords on a keyboard. “That’s Ethan, our keyboarder.” He shouts up to him and I shudder when he glares at me. His jet black hair falls over his forehead and almost into his eyes. It’s his eyes that scare me. Even from this distance they look black, almost feral. I resist the urge to scrunch my face up in disgust at the greasy way his glare makes me feel.

“He’s….temperamental.” Zack doesn’t hide his scowl. His chest and arms tightens alerting me to tension between the two of them. I reach out and place my hand on his forearm.

I gasp inwardly and immediately remove my hand from his arm, but that doesn’t stop Zack from smiling down on me and turning all attention on me.

“Is it okay you’re here?”

I tuck a piece of hair behind and make a face.

“It’s just that…you said you couldn’t come at first.”

I nod once. “I know.” I flip my hand out dismissively and look around the stage again. “This is hard for me.”

His eyebrows wrinkle in confusion and his mouth opens, and then closes almost immediately. I can’t believe I mentioned anything, even though it clearly makes no sense to him. Which is fine - it doesn’t have to.

“It's fine, really. Mia's having a blast and it was really nice of you to invite us. You've totally made her the happiest girl in the world tonight."

"I am really glad I ran into you tonight, Nicole. It's not often that any of us feel like we can meet anyone and just be ourselves for a while." With a flirtatious grin, he slowly reaches up and pushes a stray hair behind my ear, letting his thumb brush against my cheek. My breath catches in my throat as his light touch sends goose bumps all over my body.

And all I can do is stare at him with my eyes wide, while his eyes are sparkling, his lips pursed lightly together. I think I should maybe move closer, or take a step back, but I can’t decide which to choose before he slowly drops his hand and returns it to his front pocket. Where his thumb lightly brushed, my cheek now feels cold; missing something important. I frown slightly, trying to figure out if that’s a good thing or a bad one when we’re interrupted by a man dressed in all black.

“We need to get to work. Scottie and Hoppy didn’t show tonight and we’ve got a dozen more guitars to check for you.”

My eyes widen. A dozen more guitars? How many does he need?

Zack simply nods at the man. “Nicole, this is Grey. He’s one of our roadies.”

I smile and shake his hand before he walks away. Clearly he’s an all-business kind of guy.

“Need any help with those?” I smile at Mia as she bounces up to us. Her fingers are practically twitching at the idea of getting her hands on one of Zack Walter’s guitars.

He raises an eyebrow. “With what?”

“Tuning your guitars.”

“You know how?”

I snort. I can’t help myself. “Mia’s played the guitar since she was nine.”

Both eyebrows shoot up as he glances back and forth between us. “Really?”

“Yeah, but if you think that’s impressive, you should hear Nic play…”

“Mia.” I snap at her, even though I know I totally walked right into it. Her eyes are dancing with excitement and I know it won’t be long before she spills it. If she thought he was interested in me before, she’s probably thinking his interest will only increase if he knows how well I can play.

“You play….?” Zack looks at me with interest in his eyes. I know he wants me to finish what Mia started. I don’t. Instead I just shrug.

“Nothing. It was a long time ago.” I reach out to take Mia’s arm. “Come on. I’ll help you out.”

I look back to Zack and smile weakly. “If that’s okay?”

He takes one step closer to me, his eyes darkening as he looks me up and down. I start to wonder if someone increased the temperature because my body feels ten degrees warmer. It’s shocking he can do this to me. It’s even more shocking I’m not turning away and running out of here in fear; yet.

“Interesting.” His voice is deeper, huskier.

I swallow, taking a minute to calm down and figure out why him looking at me like this causes my heart race in all sorts of ways that have nothing to do with the thought of music.

“What is?”

He gazes directly into my eyes and then frowns. I feel like he’s searching into me, trying to figure out all the half-truths and carefully worded responses tonight and unravel the woman before him. It works. I feel completely unraveled as he stares at me saying nothing.

One side of his lips twitch.

“You are.” And then he winks at me playfully. He waves towards the large crate of guitars sitting on the right side of the stage. There must be at least thirty acoustic and electric guitars hanging from the hooks inside and my jaw drops in awe. I had no idea he would need all of those for a concert. “Knock yourselves out. We need to get practicing.”

Mia tugs my arm gently in the direction of the guitars but I can’t move yet. He hasn’t taken his eyes off mine and I know I’m blushing ten different shades of red right now.

“Close your mouth,” she whispers to me. I snap it shut, not even realizing I had it dropped and scowl at her.

“I can’t believe you did that to me.”

“I told you he was interested. He totally wants you.” I cringe at her sing-song voice.

“Shut up and tune the guitars,” I mutter and walk over to the crate and peer at an entire row of Martin acoustics and Fender Stratocaster guitars. They’re all so beautiful I hesitate to take one off its hook. Mia, on the other hand, doesn’t hesitate for a second. She peers along the row as if looking for something specific. With a sly grin, she sighs and removes a Martin OM decorated with black and blue bolts across the front.

At my raised eyebrow she holds it out to me and explains, “This is what he played on The Morning Show a few months ago.”

I roll my eyes. “How do you even know all this?”

“Celeb gossip dot com.” I laugh at her ability to memorize the most inane facts about her favorite rock star, but somehow forget to pay her parking tickets.

We zone out, tuning guitars left and right, not even sure if he’ll need them all. But I admit I’m lost in the moment and the atmosphere. It’s been years since I have sat with Mia and tuned a guitar waiting for her to play me something so I can accompany her on the keyboard. I watch Zack out of my eye, as he and his band practice the beginnings of a few songs for their sound check.

But then, a vaguely familiar guitar riff begins to play. I look at Zack and freeze. His eyes are down on his hands, mouth pressed close to the microphone.

He croons into the microphone, the same beginning verse that has haunted me for the last year. “Where were you then….”

It takes a split second, and I see them.

“Mommy, dance with us mommy.” Andrew’s soft hand presses against my clammy cheek.

I sniff, my voice sounds scratchy and weak. “Mommy’s too sick today honey.”

I drop the guitar in my hands as if it just caught on fire and burned me. I look at my hands. They’re shaking and tingling. They feel like they’re being pricked by a thousand needles and I can’t stop the feeling as it travels up my arms. I clench my fists tightly and breathe.

This will not break me. I can do this. I can listen to this without terror. I unclench my fists and rub them roughly against my thighs, trying to erase the tingling.

It’s not working…

I’m transported back to my living room of my old house, with my family. I watch Mark in our living room swinging Andrew around while dancing to the radio. His hair swings around his face, his eyes shining while we laugh at Andrew and how he awkwardly wiggles his hips to try to keep the beat. His shaggy brown hair flies out, flopping around as Mark tosses him into the air.

“…but I love you….it’s all for you….”

Mark’s brown eyes dance with joy as he swings Andrew in his arms to the song. He stalks toward me and bends down so our eyes are level, singing all the words to his new favorite song.

“….it’s all for you…..forever and all of my days. Your soft skin…”

I snort pathetically. “If I didn’t feel so sick right now I’d kiss you.”

Mark’s lips touch mine, gently and lovingly. “Even sick you’re irresistible.”

“Come on, dad…..dance!” Andrew tugs Mark’s arm as we look into each other’s eyes. It doesn’t matter how long we’ve been married, he still looks at me like he did after our very first kiss. I feel like the most special and treasured gift in the world.

He leans in and kisses me again before turning and throwing Andrew so high into the air his head almost hits the ceiling. I lay on the couch, covered in a thick covered blanket, shaking and sweating from the fever. Having the flu in June is miserable. I shudder from the sickness, but refuse to take my eyes off my boys, dancing around to Mark’s favorite new song.

When the song ends, Mark sends Andrew to get his baseball cleats on.

He leans down for one last kiss. “Take a nap and I’ll bring you ice cream home later. Maybe that will help. I love you.” He winks at me, knowing my one weakness is a hot fudge sundae. He knows me perfectly and I love his thoughtfulness.

“Be safe and have fun.” I wave to them tiredly.

I let Mark kiss me one more time before kissing Andrew. “Do your best, slugger and have a blast.”

“Love you mommy.”

The door clicks behind them, but I barely hear it before I drift off into a flu-induced coma.

I sit there, gasping, as I watch the vision play out before me. The huge indoor stadium becomes small and cramped. I need air.

Before I can say anything to Mia, I’m running down the main aisle towards the back where Mia and I had walked in earlier. I throw myself through the back doors looking around. I gasp for breath – simply trying not to pass out when I crouch over and put my hands on my knees. All I can see is Mark and Andrew. I close my eyes trying to take deep breaths, but all I see when I close my eyes are their smiles and their eyes sparkling in joy, and the reminder that I forgot to tell them the very most important thing in the world.

I don't move when I feel an arm come around my shoulder, but I begin to hear Mia whispering in my ear, "Shhhh....it's okay, Nic. I'm here."

One hand moves to my cheek as she wipes tears off my face. She quietly repeats herself into my ear and holds me tightly. I let her pull me up and into her arms as she surrounds me with one of her loving hugs, while I struggle to find the words to speak.

Still gasping for breath, I try to explain myself, "I never told them I loved them…”

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry." Mia continues to hold me until I feel myself finally begin to calm in her presence. "They knew, Nic. You know they knew how much you loved them."

I have no idea how much time passes before my breathing slows enough to nod my head and let her go. I look at her, slightly hunched over with my arms hugging myself still trying to find comfort.

"I can't believe I just ran out of there like that."

I turn my head behind us when I hear the sound of a door clicking shut. Completely mortified, I see Zack standing there, leaning back against the wall with a look on his face that I can’t quite place. I turn away from him, back to Mia. "Bathroom. I need the bathroom."

Zack must have overheard. “It’s down the hall, second door on the left.”

Mia holds out her hand with my purse and hands it to me. I don't look back at Zack as I nod and walk away.

I gasp when I see how horrific I look in the bathroom mirror. My hair is flying all over the place. My cheeks are streaked with what little mascara I had on earlier and my eyes are puffy and blood shot. My skin is pale – completely drained of all color. I look like utter crap. And feel even worse.

I splash some cold water on my face trying to scrub off the mascara, and run my wet fingers through my hair pulling it up into a loose ponytail. I let out an exhausted breath and grip the edges of the sink. I knew I shouldn’t have come.

***

Both Mia and Zack turn as I walk back down the hallway towards them. I can’t look Zack in the eye I’m so embarrassed he just saw me looking and acting like that. This is why I avoid music and concerts. I’m sure he now understands at least some of the things I half-spoke earlier.

"So..." Zack says slowly and cautiously. I raise my eyes to his and see a hint of concern in them. I want to fall into a black hole and disappear. “I have some tickets and backstage passes if you still want to come tomorrow.”

Mia cocks her head to the side, shrugs her shoulders, and flashes me a look that says the decision is up to me. I hate how sorry she looks right now since coming here was her idea. I hate how I panicked and freaked out, not only embarrassing myself, but shortened her night in the process. I know how much going to this concert means to her. I also know she can call any one of her dozens of friends if I back out, but I know the only way I get past this is to keep trying, to keep being brave. I can’t spend the rest of my life hiding in fear. I have to do this for me and for Mia because I’m suddenly really tired of her always having to be here to comfort me.

I give the briefest hint of a smile, but straighten my back and look Zack right in the eye. "Yeah, we'll be here."

If I wasn’t so exhausted, the large genuine smile he gives us would probably be contagious. Instead I’m spent and can only watch him rock back on his heels with his hands in pockets. “I’m really glad you could come hang out with us for a little, even if it didn’t end on the best note.” I can’t contain the snort at his double entendre.

“That was pretty cheesy, Zack.” Mia laughs.

He shrugs unashamedly. “I’m a musician, not a comedian. Come on, we're all done in here for the night. I'll walk you out to your car."

***

I walk in the door to my condo and head into my kitchen without bothering to turn on any lights on the way. After setting the coffee pot alarm for the next morning, I brush my teeth and get ready for bed. I change into one of Mark's old college soccer shirts, and crawl into our still-too-large-for-just-me bed. I lay in bed and think of Mark. We loved music. He dragged me to every local band he could find for years, and while I didn’t care for his appreciation of heavier rock, my own love of music quickly sold me on local alternative and soft rock talent. We hit every major rock concert that came to the city and I loved every single minute. Music lost the joy and hope it once gave me after their accident. Instead, every song I heard left me feeling more alone, and more lost than before. I knew tonight was going to be hard, I just didn’t realize it was going to be that bad.

I can’t stop myself from thinking of Zack and the concerned look in his eyes when I came out of the bathroom or how they sparkled when he winked at me. And the smile when I said I would come to the concert. I feel ridiculous. A few hours earlier I was talking to Mia about the idea of potentially dating and now I’m infatuated with smoky green eyes and a sexy smile. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, feeling utterly foolish over the whole night.

Zack Walters is leaving in just a few days and I’ll never see him again. There’s no reason to even be thinking about him. I drift off to sleep with tears in my eyes thinking of all I have lost and wondering if I’ll ever really be able to move on.