He’d always said to me, "But I’m still here babe."
I don’t know if deep down, those words were somehow finding their way inside of me, if maybe I was starting to believe them. But when it finally happened, when Sam died, then it was just…over. That was a part of my life that I’d destroyed. That was a part of my life that was now finished. It literally killed me when it happened, but it still just happened. I couldn’t change it and I couldn’t undo it. There was no going back.
This time though, I said goodbye. I actually had the chance to say goodbye, knowing I was walking away from everything I wanted to keep, and all I could hear in return was Luke calling out my name, begging me to come back. And when I actually had the chance to say my goodbye, all I could feel was my heart breaking at what I was giving up, at what I couldn’t have. This time when I said goodbye, all I could think was, he is still alive, but you are walking away from him.
Saying goodbye is so much worse.
∞
I’m lying on the floor in my cold apartment. My whole body feels frozen now and I can’t move because I just don’t care anymore.
Someone’s knocking at the door. It’s late, after eleven. It has to be him, Luke.
My broken heart is pounding, telling me to open the door. My head is screaming at me to protect him, to stay away from him. I want to listen to both. He’s still knocking, louder now. He knows I’m in here.
"Ash!" I hear him say. "Please Ash, please let me in."
I want to.
"Asha, please," his voice is begging, pleading, breaking as it reaches out to me.
I lie on the floor, silent on the other side of the door, desperately wanting to open it but unable to.
Luke keeps pounding. "Ash!" he says firmly. "I’m not leaving here, I’m not leaving until you talk to me, tell me what’s going on here."
He’s very stubborn when he wants to be. He fights for what he wants.
I wish I had the courage to do that.
There’s only silence now, the knocking has stopped and I wonder if he’s given up. I don’t want him to give up.
I don’t want to give him up.
I’m trying to work up the courage to open the door, trying to convince myself that it’s okay to open it, that he will be there. That I can just open the door and pull Luke inside. That it’s okay for me to do that, it’s okay for me to want him.
I want to move, but I can’t.
Minutes pass by.
I try and listen for his breathing but the only sounds I hear are my own hard, painful breaths as they force themselves from my lungs. My chest still aches.
The silence seems endless and it’s torturing me as I imagine him gone now. Luke gone, no longer caring and no longer fighting. Has he walked away now, has he said his goodbye?
The air feels impossibly still as I hold my breath, willing myself to hear him. Willing him to say something more; to ask me to open the door again, just one more time. Please Luke, please don’t give up on me.
His pleading voice finally breaks the silence, "Asha, please. Please talk to me."
And this time it cracks something inside of me. He hasn’t given up, and now I give in.
I uncurl my body, crawl to the door, stand and unlock it. He’s there on the other side and he looks wrecked, completely wrecked. I say nothing as he pulls me to him. Say nothing as he wraps his arms tightly around me. He pushes me back inside, never letting go of me as he kicks the door shut with his foot. He walks me to the couch, sits us down and pulls me into his lap. I’m so weak, I let him do all of it. Let him wrap me completely in his arms. Let him stroke my hair back from my face, brush the tears from my cheeks. Let him kiss me everywhere with his lips.
I can’t let go of him. I can’t let him go.
"Ash beautiful, please talk to me. Please," he begs. "What’s this all about?"
I want to tell him.
I want him to help me.
I want him to make this all stop.
I just want him.
He presses his lips to my ear, whispering, "Please Ash, I promise you can tell me anything, anything at all. Let me help you, please just let me make this all okay." Luke’s voice is pleading with me and I can hear the ache in his words, can feel the ache inside of me.
I want to tell him everything.
"Please Asha." His voice is barely a whisper.
So I do. I take a deep breath and tell him all of it. I tell him about every single death, about all of the death that was my fault. I tell him about my mother, Grace, my Grandad, Adam, Selena, Nate, Angela, my Grandma, Dad, Seth, Lara and Sam.
All of them. I tell him how I killed all of them. How I thought I’d killed him. How his accidents; the knife, Liam, the burn, have all been because of me. How I’m afraid every time something happens to him, it will be the last time, and I will lose him. He asks me about each of them, what happened and I tell him everything. He asks me about Sam. I tell him.