I can’t help but wonder if all this, everything that’s going on now; Luke, the guys in the band, Mia and now Sarah, is this what real life is supposed to feel like? Is this how normal people live? It’s been so long since I’ve really experienced it, I can barely remember what normal feels like anymore. Maybe I’ve never felt it, but if this is normal, then I really like it and I want more of it.
I head back to the kitchen to see Luke. As I walk in there, he looks up from the stove and smiles at me and my heart just melts. He stops whatever he’s doing and walks over to me, pulling me into his arms. "Hey beautiful," he whispers in my ear and I feel like all of me is melting now.
I wrap my arms around him and we stand there, my head on his chest, his face buried in my neck. I can feel him kissing my skin and I can’t resist sliding my hands under his jacket, tickling him. He laughs and lets go of me, enough that I can pretend to escape. But he comes after me, grabbing me again and pulling me gently against him. My head falls onto his shoulder as he nuzzles my neck again, words of payback when we get home whispered in my ear, his hands touching me with promises of things to come. I’m laughing as I push him away, poking him in the stomach before I go back out to the shop. When I reach the door, I turn and see he’s watching me, a look on his face that I’ve never seen before. I’m about to ask him what is it, when he just smiles at me and heads back into the kitchen.
And seconds later, I hear my world completely shatter and fall apart.
There’s a loud explosion from the kitchen.
I hear Luke swear.
I see smoke start to fill the room, it’s everywhere.
I can’t stop the scream that escapes my mouth.
I know what this means I think, as my legs collapse and I sink to the floor.
Why does it have to happen again? Why does it have to keep happening to me? What have I ever done to deserve this?
∞
When they finally took Sam away from me, I was completely numb. Frozen. I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, and couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t undo any of what had happened.
I remember them asking me so many questions, the police, the paramedics, people I’d never seen before. Questions I couldn’t answer. What happened? How long had he been like this? Is there someone we can call? Do you have any family?
I wanted to scream at them all to shut up. I wanted to scream at them that I had no fucking idea what had happened and why this kept happening to me. I wanted to scream and never stop, but nothing would come out, no words, no sound, nothing.
I remember my whole body shaking uncontrollably. My arms were wrapped tightly around me, like a vice, as I fought my own body and tried desperately to hold myself together, knowing anyway that I was about to completely fall apart. Someone put a blanket around me, forcing me to sit down. A burning cup of coffee was placed in my hands. I barely noticed it and it slowly went cold as I held it. I imagined Sam had done that lying in my arms too.
I couldn’t talk.
I couldn’t think.
I couldn’t do anything.
I could barely even breathe.
Sam was gone. He was gone forever, the only person I had left in the entire world and now he was gone. I had no idea what was I going to do. Had no idea how I was ever going to be able to survive this. I didn’t want to be alive anymore, didn’t want to face the thought of going on alone. No friends, no family, no love.
I just wanted to be dead. I deserved to be dead now.
Eventually everyone left. Eventually they took Sam away from me. When they’d gone and I was truly all alone, I thought I’d try and drink it all away; the vision, the memory of what had happened, even myself. I just wanted it all to go away. But no matter how drunk I got, the nightmare forced its way in, dragging me from my stupor. And even though I’d passed out, the nightmare still let me relive the horrible memory over and over again.
∞
I can hear people talking and yelling everywhere, but I can’t move. I’m on the floor behind the counter, my head is in my hands and I’m crying. I can’t bear to face this. I can’t possibly look up and see what’s happening. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want him to be gone.
Paramedics are coming in to the shop now. The fire alarm is going off. Noises are everywhere.
Sarah comes over to me, pulls me up, and gently tells me, "Ash you should go to him."
I am so afraid.
"Ash, go to him," Sarah says more forcefully now, pushing me into the kitchen.
"Ash?" I hear Luke call out. "Ash, come here, come here."
For a second my heart stops. If he’s talking, he is alive. If he can talk to me, he must be alive.
"Ash, please…." Luke pleads.
I don’t want to go. I’ve already made it so bad. But I can’t help it, I have to and I feel my feet walking over to him.
"I’m sorry," I say, tears streaming down my face as I catch a glimpse of him.
Luke is burnt and I caused it. I am doing this to him. It’s happening all over again and there is nothing I can do to stop it.