∞
Sam’s funeral very nearly killed me. It was back in Seattle, I didn’t have a choice in that. Despite five years together, Sam’s parents decided everything. I wanted to be a part of it, I was so alone and I wanted them to let me be a part of it. But it destroyed me, him dying and I couldn’t do anything. I could barely speak, even to them.
His parents tried to offer some kind of comfort, but they were in shock themselves. His brother was like me, numb and couldn’t speak to anyone. And his sister blamed me. Kate blamed me for what had happened to Sam, and I knew she was right. Knew she was right about me from the very start. That I was never good enough for Sam, that I would never make him happy and that eventually he would leave me and come back to Seattle. She was right, because in the end he did end up back there without me, and it was all because of what I’d done.
I tried to tell her I agreed with her, that she was right about me and that I was so very sorry for everything. But all she did was slap my face and storm off. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since.
I didn’t even go to the wake afterwards, couldn’t bear it. I took Sam home, gave him to them and then I just left him. I killed him and took him back there and then abandoned him straight after the funeral. I just left.
I haven’t heard from his family since. Not once, but then I haven’t contacted them either. A part of me feels bad for that because I know it would piss Sam off. He would have wanted them to try more with me, for me to try more with them. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t look them in the eye, knowing everything I’d done. And I guess they felt the same way.
If only they knew how much I blamed myself. If only they knew how much his death destroyed me too. If only they knew what kind of life it forced me to live. If only they knew what I’d done, what I’d lost.
I almost hated them for not being able to see the truth about me.
∞
Luke says nothing as I tell him all of this. Says nothing, just holds me in his arms, stroking my hair like he’s done so many times before. When I finish, I’m exhausted. My tears have dried up now, there’s nothing more inside of me, but Luke has never let go of me. It’s still freezing in my apartment and I reach for a throw rug to pull around us.
"Ash," he finally says. "You know this is not your fault, you know they were all just accidents right? You didn’t do this to anyone, you aren’t the cause of all this."
I shake my head. "No," I finally get out. "It’s me, knowing me gets people killed. I get all the people I love killed."
Luke smooths my hair back from my face and I feel his lips brush lightly over my forehead. "Deep down Asha, I know you can’t believe you’re the reason for all of this. They’re just unfortunate accidents that have happened. You aren’t to blame for this, for any of it," he says softly.
I look up at him, I want to believe him. I want so badly to believe that none of this is my fault. But I can’t, because it’s been happening for so long now and it’s always connected back to me.
"This is not something you are doing Asha," he continues, his voice gentle. "This is not something you are choosing to do to people. That’s not how it all works."
"I want to believe you Luke, I really do. You have no idea how much I wish I wasn’t doing this. That knowing me didn’t mean you ended up dead. But I can’t, I just can’t," I say, frustration building in me. "And I can’t let anything happen to you, I just couldn’t live with myself if it did. I can’t bear the thought of something bad happening to you," I whisper, seeing all of my sadness reflected in his face. "I really wish I could stop all of this from happening, but I can’t and because of that you and I….we…we…it’s…"
I can’t finish what I know I need to say.
Luke lets out a deep breath. He kisses me gently and I let him. I really need to let him go, but it’s like he knows exactly what I’m thinking, because he pulls me even tighter against him, his arms wrapping around me as he holds me in his lap.
"Ash, the reason I don’t talk to my parents anymore…." His voice is very quiet now.
I close my eyes briefly, wondering what he hasn’t told me, what he could possibly say to make any of this better. He moves his fingers through my hair, gently down the side of my face, before continuing.