∞
Anger and fear can turn you into a different person. They mask what you’re really feeling, and they allow you to destroy something that doesn’t deserve it, something that should be cared for and protected. But being exposed, forces you to raise your defences and in doing so, you quite often lash out at the very thing you should actually be embracing.
Fighting with someone is like that, and it’s even worse when you fight with someone you care about, someone you love. Because then you know all of each other’s strengths and all of each other’s weaknesses. Then you are fully armed to do the most damage.
I try to avoid confrontation at all costs. I hate it. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t get angry. Because I’ve also always beared a grudge that time doesn’t make any easier to let go of. I can show my true anger when really provoked. I need to vent, I can’t help it, the mask I wear to hide the rest of me is hard enough, so when the anger builds, it really has nowhere else to go but out.
And I’m sorry if you’re on the receiving end of it.
∞
Sam and I never really fought when we were together, but on the odd occasion when we did, it was always about the same thing. The same old fight would repeat itself and over and over again, and as usual we got nowhere with the outcome.
The last time we had that fight, something else happened, although really, it should’ve been so obvious it would eventually. It all started when we went to a work party of his. I didn’t really want to go, mostly because I wasn’t going to know anyone and I hated situations like that. Sam knew that but in the end he talked me into going anyway.
"Come on, it’ll be fun. I promise they’re not all computer nerds like you think they are."
I looked at him, a doubtful expression on my face. "You sure about that? You do work for an IT company remember."
He laughed, pulling me to him to give me a kiss. "Yeah and look at how sexy you think I am!"
I couldn’t help but laugh too. He was right, he wasn’t your typical computer geek so maybe I was wrong to assume everyone else would be. Even Nate was cool and he’d been studying the same course.
So we went and for the first hour or so I did have a good time. But then everyone was drinking and talking about work. Sam was having a great time and they were all doing shots of tequila. I felt left out. I hardly knew any of them and I certainly didn’t know what they were talking about.
As the night wore on, I was getting more and more drunk, but having less and less fun. Eventually I said to Sam, "Can we go? I’ve had enough."
Sam was wasted by this stage and could only laugh and say, "No, it’s fun, let’s stay."
I knew I shouldn’t be pissed at him. Knew he had every right to have fun and stay at the party, I knew it was me being the bitch. But he’d hardly talked to me all night and I really wanted to just go.
"Sam, I want to go," I tried once more.
"Geez Ash, come on, just stay, talk to people, have fun," he answered. He was really drunk now as I pulled him into the kitchen with me.
"Sam, I don’t know these people. You’re hardly talking to me and I just want to go ok, please?"
"Well Ash, I want to stay, for once, I want to stay and have some fun."
For once. What the hell did that mean?
In the end I told him I was going anyway. Mumbled some goodbye to him that I’m not even sure he heard and just walked home by myself. It wasn’t cold outside, and although it was dark, I wasn’t scared. The T was no longer running but I didn’t have far to go. On the way home, I checked my phone. Nothing from Sam, but there was a missed call from my Dad. I smiled as I listened to the voicemail.
"Ash, it’s me. I think I’m really frikkin lost. If it says I’m in Dorchester that’s a bad thing right? Call me back if you get this – love you kiddo."
I smiled to myself. My Dad was hopeless with directions. He’d been visiting us and although it wasn’t dark when he left, Sam suggested he crash with us and drive home the next day.
Dad had smiled and said, "Nah, I’ll just head back now so I’m not woken up by you two stumbling in drunk in the middle of the night."
I remember I gave him a hug and a kiss goodbye. "Thanks so much for coming up Dad, I seriously appreciate it," I said before waving, as he drove away from us.
I tried calling him back even though it was nearly 2am, but his phone rang out, eventually going to voicemail. I left him a message asking him to call when he woke up and then staggered the rest of the way home and crashed.
Sometime later, Sam stumbled in. He was pretty pissed by this stage waking me up to ask, "Where the hell did you disappear to?"
As I sat up, still half asleep I answered him. "I told you I was leaving, that was over two hours ago."