"I’ll get him to look into it," I replied, putting my arm around Dad’s waist.
We walked along in silence for a while until eventually Dad said, "So you’re pretty serious about this guy then huh?"
I looked up at him, smiling as I said, "Yeah I am Dad, I really am."
Dad kissed the top of my head again. "It’s good to see you so happy Ash and as long as he’s taking good care of you, then I’m happy. Because if he doesn’t, he’ll have me to deal with!" he replied.
I laughed, squeezing my arm tighter around him as I said, "He does Dad. Sam really does take good care of me."
We continued walking until the realisation of actually having left home and moved out, finally struck me. Faced with a sudden fear, I turned to Dad and said, "Promise you’ll come up right? I mean, promise you’ll visit regularly? Just because I left home, doesn’t mean I never want to see you Dad."
I was incredibly close to my Dad, always had been and leaving home to be with Sam had been difficult for only that reason. Plus by then Seth was long gone and I worried about my Dad being at home alone.
Pressing a kiss to my temple, Dad simply said, "Anytime you want me to Ash, anytime at all kiddo."
I wish I’d known this trip would be the last time ever.
Around five that night Dad decided he’d head home. We were going to this party and he didn’t want to get in our way. So we made plans for him to come up again, I wrote down the directions for him, told him to call me if he got lost and we went our separate ways.
Somehow he missed the turn-off onto the I-95.
He ended up in Dorchester and when he stopped to ask for directions, instead got car jacked.
They had a baseball bat apparently.
They took his car, his wallet, his phone and watch.
Defensive bruises indicated my Dad had fought back. I would have expected him to, but you can’t compete with a baseball bat. You can’t compete with aggressive violence or a drug-fucked gang of kids who have nothing to lose. Nobody even tried to stop them apparently, nobody did anything.
They left him lying there on the side of the road. Slowly bleeding to death from the bashing he’d received. I don’t know who called the police in the end, maybe they just drove by and found him, but in that neighbourhood nobody had even tried to stop it.
But it was me who’d begged him to drive to Boston. It was me who’d let him drive home that night. I’d written the directions for him. I’d missed his call when he got lost.
I’d killed him.
Seth came home for the funeral, so did his fiancée Lara. They arranged everything. It was the first time I’d been back to Providence in ages. I remember lying on Dad’s bed, looking at all of his things; the photo of him and Mom beside his bed, a pile of his clothes which were still on the floor, waiting to be washed. A picture of Dad, me and Seth by the window. I remember lying there looking at all of these things and wishing I’d never asked him to come to Boston to see me. Wishing I could’ve just come back to get my own stuff like a grown up. There was even a part of me wishing I’d never left at all.
"Ash smash, you need to get up," Seth said quietly as he walked into Dad’s room.
I didn’t say anything.
"Smash?" he asked as he climbed onto the bed and lay down beside me. I rolled over into his arms and he wrapped them around me and held me as I cried and cried. I cried as my big brother tried to comfort me, tried to tell me that everything would be okay.
"It was my fault Seth, my fault this happened." I choked out through my tears.
Seth pulled me up and made me look at him. "No Ash, this was not your fault."
I wished he could understand. I wished I could make him understand. I’d never told him this before. Never told him how I knew I was responsible for all of this.
"I begged him to come to Boston Seth," I cried. "Begged him to drive up and see us. If he hadn’t done that, he never would have gotten lost, never would have been killed. It was my fault Seth, all my fucking fault."
Seth pulled me into a hug again, quietly telling me, "This was no one’s fault but the men who did this Ash, you know that."
But I knew better.
The funeral was excruciating. I spent the whole time being held up by Sam. He kept his arms wrapped around me and didn’t once let go. I don’t know what he was thinking, but he never let me go. I didn’t talk to anyone because I couldn’t find anything to say. The only thing I wanted was to beg for my Dad to come back.
Afterwards Sam and Lara helped me clean out the house. Seth stayed for as long as possible, but after a week he needed to leave, the military doing him no favours despite our loss. Even after he and then Lara left, Sam stayed on and helped me.